When to Worry About Possible Computer Game Addiction

Parents Forum
1

<p>Frosh son came home for Spring Break after an extremely stressful week at school with major tests and papers. He then flew out of state to see GF at a well known LAC for a few days prior to coming home. Things are well with the GF, who has been accepted and plans to do at least one semester at his school as a visiting student next school year.</p>

<p>S did well in lrst semster with 4 A's and a B. Might make all A's this semester. Taking typical pre-med two sciences and calc type thing, plus honors liberal arts classes. Son was in a good mood and glad to be home. While home for 5 days he played computer games continually going very short on sleep. Between games and irregular sleep he missed an oportunity to socialize with old friends and current best friend and roommate. After an hour or two of pleading we could get him off the computer for family dinners or an extended family party on St. Pat's where he was charming and relaxed with his mother, aunts and younger cousins.</p>

<p>Prior to breaking out of shyness in the 10th grade, son played computer games non-stop while gradually losing most of his elementary and early middle school friends. While the games helped him cope with loneliness, they delayed development. Son has some awareness of the destructive way in which they ended up hurting him in middle school and his frist two years of highschool. He gave up those type of online games on his own in later highschool. Claim he just loves computer games and is great at them so that is why he wants to do them. Says his floor which has many engineering honors's students plays "tons of games", so there is a social component.</p>

<p>I am also worried about his Chem 2 class and possible computer game obsession.. He got a 100 on the first exam one of about 3 or 4 out of several hundred, and then an F on the second one. Says he is not worried as he can drop one grade. He attributes this to unwisely skipping class and having a lot of papers and lab reports due at the same time. The timing is about the time he started the type of online game he has a hard time not becoming obsessed with. </p>

<p>I can understand just wanting to sleep and or zone out after the business of school and dorm life. </p>

<p>We had a moderately heated exchange in which I pointed out to him how he could lose his GF and other new friends, who I know are not into gaming. He says he won't let it interfere with his grades and would drop the game if it did. I felt we had a very good talk and ended closer than ever. </p>

<p>Is old dad just too worried? Is there anything to do beside trusting him and hoping for the best?</p>

2

<p>I would be worried, too; in fact, I am worried about my own sons. But there's not a lot you can do with a college-aged son, except what you have done, talk to him about it. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship, and my advice would be to keep the conversation going, and continue to point out the consequences of excessive game-playing. He is the only one who can modify his behavior.</p>

<p>I can do a little more with my kids. My 13-year-old son is well aware of his inability to control his game-playing. I took away the Xbox last May and hid it in the basement. It came out only once, last month on his birthday when he had several friends over. He has not asked for it back, except for that one day, and has never complained about losing it. He does have computer games, and when he starts playing it's hard for him to stop. When my husband or I tell him to stop, he says that he will in a few minutes, then continues to play until about the 5th time he's told to stop. He always regrets it when he's played too long. I frequently disable his computer by taking the video cable away. It's the easiest way for me to control his playing time. </p>

<p>I'm more worried about my 7-year-old, who is much more social than his brother. He begs for the Xbox (and he was never allowed to play it before) and computer games because all of his friends use them. When he has a playdate at someone else's house, most of all of the time is spent this way. I don't allow it when the playdate is at our house. His friend put on an act last time he was over. He actually came to me crying hysterically, saying that he was going to have two heart attacks if he couldn't get a controller in his hand. (The kid is quite an actor!) I handled it by expressing great concern and saying that I was going to call his mother to get him right away because I was so worried about him. This stopped it immediately - he did not want to leave - and I gave them something else to do. A good time was had by all.</p>

3

<p>texdad, I too sympathize and have worried over extent of computer game use. DS is also an Engineering student and gaming (maybe PS2 right now more than computer? not sure, he doesn't keep me clued in :confused: ) is also a social thing with his friends and floormates. While home on a month's break Dec/Jan, he pulled all nighters to do on-line gaming. Didn't socialize as much as I would have wanted, but did socialize.</p>

<p>So, like you, I worry sometimes. But he, like your S, is doing quite well in school, has friends, does other things. As NYMom says, there may not be much we can do when they are 19+ and in college.</p>

<p>In about sophomore year of hs, we did talk this issue over with school social worker when we felt we were seeing him cut back on IRL socializing. She is excellent; reassured us that he was - at school - still actively in the social mix; pointed out that there are far worse pre-occupations/obsessions/addictions; but did help us come up with an idea for influencing/directing him. We spoke to him of "balance." Told him we did not want to have to restrict him from online/video games. Told him that, so long as we saw balance in his life - other activities, time socializing with friends,... - we would allow him to manage his own time. If we didn't see balance, we would restrict/eliminate. Worked like a charm. But, as I say, he was 15/16 at the time. Is there a parallel you could use now? I'm not sure. We could brainstorm here, if you like.</p>

<p>Bottom line - you are not alone and he is not a total outlier in his behavior. However, there have been other threads on this. Don't remember the title, but you might search (one related to Worlds of WarCraft Level 60). xiggi (if you don't know him, a frequent poster, college student) chimed in with some real first-hand knowledge of how deeply some kids can go off the deep end with this; he seemed to speak from personal experience and may give you some insight. I'm not sure he would be as "forgiving" as I have been in this post.</p>

4

<p>I like the way you handled it, Jmmom, and I'll incorporate the concept of balance into my discussions with my older son. </p>

<p>I know there are reasons that boys and young men like to play. From what my son says, the games are complex and require strategy. But it is obvious in our neighborhood that some boys who are bright and were good students in elementary school become overly involved with games in middle school, at great educational and social cost. I haven't seen the other threads, and I'm almost afraid to. </p>

<p>Girls don't play video/computer games at all, as far as I can tell. I have seen at least a dozen boys who would have been expected to be high-achieving students become obsessed with games and become mediocre students. It's hard to believe that this doesn't contribute to the recent imbalance between boys and girls at the high school level. Is there any data on this?</p>

5

<p>texdad,
I have no suggestions but a big interest in how this turns out. My hs senior son needs a W.O.W. 12 step program. We now have a lock on the computer that turns off the internet at 10 pm school nights and midnight on weekends. We did this after he was not able to turn it off himself and his grades started dropping. We have huge concerns about college and gaming.</p>

6

<p>Oh Texdad--I sure hope it is not going to be a problem for you again. We too, went through this when my second son was in high school. In fact, it came up in a college interview when the admissions person asked about the discrepancy between test scores and high school grades, particularly the first couple of years of high school. All my son could do was say "well, I was addicted to the internet for a couple of years" (at least he was honest!). I didn't handle it very well at the time, tried hiding the keyboard, tried to restrict his time on the computer in various ways which just caused a lot of anger. Finally, I gave up. And eventually he got it under control on his own. I thought it was something he "outgrew." I hate to think it could become a problem again.</p>

7

<p>College is a good time to make a clean break from computer addiction. If you have a son with a weak will, do NOT, under any circumstances, send him to college with a powerful computer. He needs a computer to take notes and write papers and send his mama emails.</p>

8

<p>This is an interesting topic.</p>

<p>None of my kids is what I would consider a video game or computer game addict. If given the choice, each of them would rather interact socially with friends and/or do something active (trampoline, soccer, basketball) outside than play video games. That said, there have been times when I've noticed the playing level increase, such as when it's cold or rainy outside or if they've just acquired a new game that they just HAVE to beat <em>lol</em>. </p>

<p>My oldest son has noticed at school that there are some students who do seem to play computer games nonstop. There must be something quite compelling about some of those games, something addicting.</p>

<p>I have always been a huge believer in the power of "forbidden fruit." Consequently, as a parent, I have outright BANNED almost NOTHING. Banning something or even severely limiting it only makes it that much more desired or coveted. </p>

<p>When my oldest was little, he, like many little boys, had a fascination with weapons (swords, guns, etc.). Instead of banning them, we bought bright-colored Nerf "weapons" for him to play with, stuff that bore no resemblance to the "real thing." He had a blast with them, and then eventually gave them up for dinosaurs. :)</p>

<p>I have done the same with video games. We have them....several different systems. And my little ones play them. BUT, because they're always here and always available (and hence, nothing "special"), they would much rather do other things most of the time. If the weather is bad, they do like to play them, but that is an appropriate occasional use of them, IMHO.</p>

<p>Another random thought here....My boys much prefer sports video games to the fantasy/role-playing ones. I am wondering if the fantasy-type games have much more of an addictive element to them? I would assume that those types of games are much easier to "get lost in" and lose track of time and other activities.</p>

<p>I am interested in other parents' input on this. My youngest son, age 8, is probably my biggest video game freak, but even he would much rather be outside. I just want to keep it that way!! ;)</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

9

<p>It is the same Warcraft Game. What a pain. </p>

<p>I saw him go with 5 hrs sleep one night and afterwards stay up 24 hrs straight with probably 18-20 hrs on the ****game. </p>

<p>I am going to try to talk him into playing some sports. I guess the balance thing. He is very athletic, but has let that totally slip at college. Most of the hardcore gamers don't seem to be into sports.</p>

<p>Do they do this stuff at LAC's? I would be willing to shell out $$$ if I thought it would eliminate this.</p>

10

<p>
[quote]
College is a good time to make a clean break from computer addiction.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Not in engineering school :-)</p>

11

<p>My 18 year old son also loves WOW, so far his grades have continued to be maintained but I do stress that if he doesn't continue to balance his time on and off the computer he may find himself back home at our local community college. I don't try to use that as a threat just a reminder.</p>

12

<p>
[quote]
He is very athletic, but has let that totally slip at college. Most of the hardcore gamers don't seem to be into sports.

[/quote]

texdad~
My son is very athletic, and the thing that probably takes up most of his time at school besides academic work is working out (in the gym). When he was here last week for spring break, he was telling me how surprised he was at some of the people he works out with in that some of them are also heavy gamers. He thought it was a sort of odd combination, but apparently they are not mutually exclusive! <em>lol</em> I do think it's a relative rarity, though.</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

13

<p>I guess I have one of the few girls who are addicted to video games. She's a junior in high school, so I don't have any advice for the OP. I do worry about college gaming. Like many kids, she shows an inability to self-regulate her playing.</p>

<p>She hit a junior-year slump earlier this year, in December, and her online gaming was the reason. H and I were very upset with her plummeting grades, just when colleges would be noticing. We finally set some ground rules that seem to be working. After school every day she writes her assignments down on a legal pad that's kept in the living room. She crosses off each assignment after she finishes it. If I don't see adequate progress, I inquire. After all hw is done, she's allowed to go on the Internet for fun.</p>

<p>A new wrinkle in all this is Skype. A few weeks ago D asked if she could download the program. Innocently, I said yes. I figured she could talk to her friends over the Internet for free and I would save on my phone bill! Anyway, it turns out that Skype has brought her online gaming to a new level! She signs on to an online game at a prearranged time and talks through a headset to the other players! She spent most of Presidents Week doing that. Finally, I told her that Skype-enhanced video games were off-limits during the week!</p>

<p>I hesitate to pull the Internet from her totally. She needs it for hw and research. And I want her to learn to regulate herself. H and I are watching the grades and assignments very carefully and are ready to get more involved if need be. I hate to be put in the position of enforcer, and it has strained our relationship. H and I encourage her to get out of the house on the weekends and see friends. Most times, though, she would rather stay holed up in her room on the computer! It's very frustrating. The Internet giveth, and the Internet taketh away!</p>

14

<p>Ok, so I am ignorant about WOW. I have 3 boys, 20,18,15. Middle son received an inexpensive laptop for Christmas, but uses it for homework, paperwork, his college apps and AIM sometimes for his physics and calculus tutoring. So I know how much it cost and what software came with it. Does this WOW come with it, do you have to buy it like a software package in a box or do you buy it online?</p>

<p>What I am trying to figure out is, is it free or is there a cost associated with it? And is the computer son is using, is it his (he paid for it) or did you purchase it?</p>

<p>I know pretty silly questions, but in my house the answers would make a difference.</p>

<p>I'll be able to comment more after I know a little bit more.</p>

<p>Kat</p>

15

<p>Warcraft is online. I'm pretty sure you have to have a credit card to get an account. DS has the use of one of our cards. I threatened to cancel the account, but as he told me, he could get around it, so what would be the point. I'm sure he can. He is quite frugal otherwise, so I did not see the point in doing so--unless there is value in registering my disapproval so formally. We believe in the forbidden fruit theory and actually bought him some booze to keep in his dorm room. Two liters have lasted about 2 to 3 mos. He has had no curfew since Junor year of hs. We don't object when he spends the night at GF's and has breakfast/ lunch !! with her parents!!. They don't stay at our house. We thought the girl's parents were supposed to be the heavies on this.</p>

<p>BTW as I tell my wife, cc is among other things a sort of parenting forum for older teenagers and young adults. I have to explain the attraction when we have no other kids and he has his college.</p>

16

<p>
[quote]
BTW as I tell my wife, cc is among other things a sort of parenting forum for older teenagers and young adults. I have to explain the attraction when we have no other kids and he has his college.

[/quote]

<em>ROFLMAO</em>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I still have five other kids as an excuse! ;)</p>

<p>~b.</p>

17

<p>you buy it for the gaming cd.</p>

18

<p>I also have two daughters, 22 and 19. So maybe that is where I get "playing the heavy" would come from. Or as my kiddos might say "THE REALLY REALLY BIG HEAVY!!!".</p>

<p>So the internet gaming has to be purchased and it is being done so with your credit card. I am then going to assume you purchased the computer he is gaming on? For all the posters who have known me for years, probably since the 22 yr-old college senior was a high school junior know where this is headed.</p>

<p>I will preface this with I am and have been a single mom for a long time so I got the wonderful job of being the DAD as well. Since we didn't have a lot of money, and I mean mac and cheese, Top Ramen not-a-lot-of money, funds for online gaming would have been and still are limited.</p>

<p>Granted the boys, all athletes didn't have a lot of time or energy for the games, between school, homework, football practice (where they got their behinds kicked daily) and chores around the house after practice and homework. But the 4 oldest all have their own credit cards, checking accounts and manage their own money. They also manage their own tuition, but that has more to do with the limited funds, but has worked out ok.</p>

<p>I don't know if I suscribed to the "forbidden fruit" model as that some "fruits" require additional funds outside the necessities. Kiddos didn't/don't have a curfew, they know how much sleep they need and what their responsibilities at home and at school are. Never used "grounding" for late nights, parties, bad grades. They are the ones who have to live with the consequences.</p>

<p>But on the other hand they also don't have things that can be taken away. We have 1 car for our family of 6. It has 250,000+ miles on it and isn't the most attractive vehicle but we love "her". Boys keep her in shape so she keeps us going where she needs to. We don't have cell phones either, just an expense we have not been able to afford. They have coached to offset practice/dues costs, worked summer programs and all goes into the family fund. So, in essence there wasn't something that I could truly restrict them from if I needed to. But on the other hand I really wouldn't want to. If they don't know by now what is okay with me and what isn't that I had not for some reason been CLEAR enough with them, and I would need to repeat that particular lesson.</p>

<p>And until our recent move the 3 boys shared a room, and my 2 daughters and I shared another so there wasn't a whole lot of room for privacy. If they were up all night playing games it would be rude to their brothers and sisters.</p>

<p>I guess what I am trying to say in my nicest way possible, if you don't want to have any part, at all, in the behavior then don't. Granted most who know our family say we run a really tight ship, but the children seem to have made it out alive!!!!!</p>

<p>I can only speak for myself and my family and what has worked for us. It was hard keeping 5 teenagers out of trouble and wanting them to graduate high school and go to college. So far, so good. My children know to ask permission before they drink or eat from the frig or pantry no less use my credit card without my express permission. But then again my kiddos get "the look" if I call or ask for them and they respond with a "what". My pet peeve. No "whats" in our house.</p>

<p>Does the gaming make him a better person? Does it mature him, deepen his integrity, does it strengthen his character, boost his ego or enhance his personality?</p>

<p>If I even start this line of speaking in my house, everyone knows what it means......I understand fun, relaxation, unwinding, entertainment value, but all those can be fulfilled in much other rewarding ways.</p>

<p>If my sons or daughters wanted to play, they could just not in my house, on my time or my dime.</p>

<p>Ugh. Didn't want to sound like "the heavy".</p>

<p>Kat</p>

19

<p>
[quote]
Do they do this stuff at LAC's?

[/quote]
Well, as mini always says "the plural of anecdotes is not evidence." But here is my anecdote: DS was at a top LAC this fall as a visiting student due to Katrina. He barely ever used his computer; didn't have his gaming system with him (stranded at Tulane). So there is one LAC experience with zero or near-zero gaming. Back at Tulane, he does play. btw, his grades are still good, but not as good. Note that, although fall term appeared to be game free, he still used most of the month between the two schools for intense gaming.</p>

<p>DS is not heavily into sports, but is heavily into his music. Playing, practicing, taking lessons, jamming with his band are a very big part of his life. This may be a help.</p>

<p>We never had problems with poor academic performance, but who knows what heights he might have reached without games? He just doesn't have the passion for academics that he does for music and games. He does care about doing well and does what it takes to keep himself near the top academically (but just that, no more); maybe he wouldn't devote any more energy in that direction even without games.</p>

20

<p>Hi 44 year old dad of a HS senior - I'm a computer game player.</p>

<p>World of Warcraft is a Massive Multiplayer Online Game. It costs around $50 to buy and then $15/month to play (cheaper if you prepay for multiple months ahead).</p>

<p>Like many of its genre (Everquest, Ultima Online, Anarchy Online, Asheron's Call, Star Wars Online and even Sims Online) it can be extremely addicting. I played WoW for 5 months straight probably 2-3 hours a day until I reached the highest level of 60 (has since been raised to 70). Fortunately for me (and many others) this game isn't nearly as fun after you reach the limit so I quit. At that point many people start a new character, get into large arena fights to kill each other online or play continuously trying to get better virtual loot.</p>

<p>My recommendation would be to set firm limits on how much computer usage is allowed and that if there is any slippage in grades all usage stops.</p>

<ul>
<li>First off, don't allow a computer in their room. Make sure it's in a place where you can monitor usage.</li>
<li>Set a limit of 1-2 hours/day on school days and 2-3/day on weekends. If that doesn't work try 8-10 hours/week. One thing about WoW is that there are many large scale quests that can take 1-2 hours so it's important to allow enough time at a sitting to finish.</li>
<li>If those don't work - you really do need to think of it sometimes as an addiction. Read some books about how people deal with gambling or other types of addictions and you'd have a better idea of what emotions and feelings the game enlists in some people.</li>
</ul>

<p>Good luck</p>