When You Don't Like Your Kid's College Choice

Parents Forum
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<p>Just one person's opinion, but based on all the info you just shared, I say let her do the ED. Your relationship is important and, as you say, she may blame you if she is rejected RD, never knowing how much the ED boost would have been. That would be a heavy burden for both of you.</p>

<p>The worst that can happen is that it turns out to be the wrong place and she can transfer. Many do, many have; myself included. </p>

<p>Although she may "seem" irrational, NYU is a strong school. It's not as though she's choosing a school whose academics are inadequate, even if it seems she's not using academics as a criterion. Based on the schools she's visited, it's clear she/you have done an academic sifting early on. </p>

<p>If she is at a school whose location she likes, she will endeavor to take advantage of all that it, and the location, offers. If she is at a school whose location she resents, she may fight against the experience.</p>

<p>Anyway, you can silently root for ED deferral, knowing that most kids who suffer that "tragedy" go on to be very happy either at the ED school when accepted later, or at some other school they previously thought inferior.</p>

<p>Key issue: although it sounds that she is a strong candidate academically, there is not a safety school on the list that I can see except BU (?). That's something which needs to be addressed. I would hope she would develop her "what if I don't get in?" strategy now, as it seems that working on applications after an ED deferral or rejection is a very difficulat process.</p>

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<p>wow my mom is JUST the opposite of the OP. We have a pretty good state university a 10 minutes walk from my house and she would give anythign to have me go there than to UC Davis (an hour drive away... not that far). In fact, all my life she's been preaching to me how great this university is and how wonderful it would be if i enrolled there after high school. We're an immigrant family, so when i try to tell her I want the "college experience", living away from home w/ dorms etc, she just does not understand it (she lived at home during college too, this was in Russia..) </p>

<p>Of course, I'm the only child so maybe she has a strong attachment to me. In addition, we don't have much money so it would really be easier on my parents for me to live at home during college. But wow, i wish my parents were more eager for me to leave and get going! lol</p>

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<p>We wanted my D to go to Willamette(great scholarship. Barretts ASU(free ride) or Trinity. University. We all liked Pepperdine but their gap was huge all loans ! My D chose University of San Diego, the closest overall to Pepperdine, a saftey school for her. I was concerned but the price was decent with scholarships and finaid and she wanted to be out of Arizona but within driving distance. She does seem to like it and overall be happy. We let her choose, told her we would help her get a car if she chose the free ride at ASU but she made her choice. It is part of her becoming independent and I know she will make it work for her. I am actually getting to like the college more, they are very receptive and approachable, quite strict especially compared to my S's college Pomona . She can always tranfer if it doesn't work out but I don't think that will happen. I have to accept that she is a different person then me. I probably would have gone to Trinity myself but I am not a city person. I see it as my first step in letting go but it was hard. My first impression of the school was different and not as good as my impression over time.My D was also so excited about getting accepted into Pepperdine and then so disappointed when it would have been full price(fin aid came a month later) that we also wanted her to feel excited about her choice.</p>

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<p>My daughter does know that she needs safeties but she has no interest in visiting them, just applying if she doesn't get into NYU ED. She only cares if they are in a big city. She said maybe Northeastern or Emerson in Boston, or Hunter in NY or American in DC but she really hasn't gotten that far. She also does not intend to apply to all the colleges she has visited, as she didn't like most of them (not urban enough). I think we are limited to NY, Boston, Washington and Chicago.</p>

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<p>Those four cities comprise a large number of schools......I don't see how that is really a limit in the negative sense.</p>

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<p>catherine, </p>

<p>It sounds like the urban location is very important if after visiting a range of schools they favorites all have urban locations. I looked up your other posts; saw earlier one about shy quiet kid wanting to go to NYU. Maybe she just feels ready to be in a big pond.</p>

<p>In that earlier post monydad gave excellent advice. </p>

<p>Can your D do a weekday overnight visit to NYU so she sees the "real thing" apart from the Village? Maybe after that you will feel more confident of her choice.</p>

<p>Macalester might be a good RD idea; LAC in an urban environment.</p>

47

<p>I didn't mean it in a negative sense - there are plenty of safeties in those cities. Since so many schools take the common app, she doesn't see a reason to do anything other than the NYU supplements right now, as well as U. Chicago since they have a very different application. It's only September and the apps are not due for months except ED or EA.</p>

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<p>Sorry if I missed this info... but, are you happy to pay the big bucks to NYU for your daughter if she gets in? NYU is not cheap!!! If so, then I suppose there is no harm in going ED, but it is very limiting for some kids to apply ED - because many change their minds by the end of April, and they are not so happy when they only have 1 choice- which they no longer want - and all their friends have 7 or 8 to choose between. If it was my kid, well, FA would be an issue, so ED would not be a choice... but I would not let my kid lock herself in to an ED decision.</p>

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<p>There are metro campuses on the West Coast that may also meet her needs.....does that not appeal to her?</p>

50

<p>
[quote]
I think you're ready for retirement, tsdad

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Jmmom:</p>

<p>Indeed. I have retired once already, from the Federal Government. Six Republican administrations and I decided to pack it in to take my current position in Mad City. You know the difference between the job you devote your life to and your retirement job -- fear, loathing, and anger. You don’t have any in your retirement job.</p>

<p>
[quote]
Palm Desert? Gevalt. Try Cambria instead. Up the coast, not [blecch] desert fit for Gila monsters and rattlesnakes and golfers.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Thedad:</p>

<p>No. No. No. That’s not the Palm Desert I have anything to do with. My Palm Desert is the Marriott Villas; sitting around the swimming pools with a cold beverage in my hand; observing golfers and greenery from the balcony; eating at great restaurants; and, for Ms. Tsdad, shopping, shopping, and shopping.</p>

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<p>no one is guaranteed in at NYU, you should hope she has some other schools</p>

<p>and how culd anyone not apply to barnard/columbia just b/c it's in harlem</p>

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<p>Garland--you miss my point entirely. My post has nothing to do with living in the country--well, maybe a little bit, but that's not REALLY what it's about. It's more about clearing a path with your mind, opening, holding in balance two or more opposing forces.<br>
That's alright, I had to move off by myself to get it, too. . .</p>

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<p>Oh, and for the record, it's been my experience that every person I have ever known who applied to NYU with no FA considerations has been accepted. They weren't/arn't dummies but all but two weren't/aren't in any way extraordinary. If your daughter is willing to apply outside of the two or three selective specialized schools (Tisch, etc.), and you are willing to pay, she will most likely get in. Don't believe the numbers you see in the guides--they are skewed.</p>

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<p>Catherine, You’re lucky that your hometown is near a dynamic city with excellent colleges, NYU included! I have a friend who grew up in Co-op City. She was given a full ride to Bard but after a few months she ached for the city. Ended up graduating from NYU.</p>

<p>After reading through this thread I think there are two potential pitfalls ahead:</p>

<ol>
<li>If she gets in ED (or RD for that matter), can you afford it? If the answer is no or it depends on the package, then you’d best have a financial heart-to-heart with your daughter right now. If you need a good chunk of financial aid, don’t count on NYU coming through. They may or they may not. She may be disappointed with the news, but better now than later when it's too late to formulate a list of financial safeties.</li>
</ol>

<p>If you’re planning on paying full freight wherever she ends up then that’s one less obstacle to overcome. </p>

<ol>
<li>In case she doesn’t get in, she’s needs to be developing a backup plan NOW. There’s been so much written on the importance of having matches and surebets that you love (or sincerely like) and that you’ve demonstrated an interest in so I won’t lecture, but the fact is that if she gets an ED rejection or deferral mid-December, she won’t have the time or energy to research alternatives. It is very dangerous to fall in love with one school only!</li>
</ol>

<p>There are plenty of urban options that will fall into the match/safety category. Don’t let her delay those applications. Pick one or two of each and try to generate some enthusiasm, maybe an overnight or two.</p>

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<p>No Pennypac; I got your point. I just don't believe in blanket assertions like that to stay in the city she knows means all those psychological, philosophical etc shortcomings you say it does. It's a whole lot of weight to put on one decision we know very little about.</p>

56

<p>Catherine,</p>

<p>Would D applying to Gallatin be a good compromise? That way she would have the flexibility to design the degree she wants and can combine the theatre and communication. </p>

<p>I remember that you stated your daughter is kind of quiet and NYU can be kind of impersonal especially for those who may not be as extroverted as others.</p>

57

<p>Thanks everybody. She would apply to either CAS or Gallatin -NYU has some sessions coming up that talk about the individual schools. Gallatin did say, though, that only Tisch kids have access to drama - Gallatin kids have no more right than CAS.
We do not qualify for financial aid, so that is not a consideration, except that it is so expensive to live in NY. She knows we'll pay her room and board but she has to get a job to earn the money to eat out, go to shows, get that Starbucks coffeee, etc. This would be the same for any school she goes to - but she'll probably want more money living in NY.
She spends no money on clothes - not at all materialistic, so she'll be okay with spending money, I think if she works every suimmer (which I did).
She is an intellectual type kid and I hope she can find other kids she likes. Her high school is super preppy and I know she wants to avoid that in college.
You've given me a lot of advice - thanks everybody.</p>

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<p>Catherine,</p>

<p>Your best bet would be for the 2 of you to go to the information sessions (you'll be the one taking notes so that you & D can have some talking points later on). In the interim,look through the course catalogs and formulate your questions .</p>

<p>I sent you a PM</p>

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<p>Catherine, fwiw -- Both of my kids are college homebodies. Our S is a h/s senior this year, and he plans to apply in-state. He loves The City (in our case, it's San Francisco). It would put him an hour away from home, by train. He plans to attend a State U for two years, and then, transfer to Cal (UC Berkeley), which is even closer to us, about a half an hour's drive. Then, he plans to apply to NYU for grad school. ;) He's a big city boy, all the way. </p>

<p>The things that strikes me about his planning is that he seems to be so sure about where he wants to be. It appears that he has mapped out a college path that will provide him with interesting experiences academically and socially. To him, living in San Francisco and Berkeley and attending college at the same time is a good plan. Somehow, he understands that he'll want to move away for grad school. Things could change, of course, and we have done our best to promote out-of-area choices, but what can we do? In his case, the <em>good fit</em> happened right here. Financially, it makes sense to him to save for grad school by going in-state for undergrad. He is NOT living at home, btw! :p Plus, he wants to get an apartment as soon as he can, so he's saving up for that, too. He has friends at Cal who are already talking to him about sharing an apartment. </p>

<p>Our D attends college a couple of hours away. She is a junior this year, and like our S, the decision to attend college close to home came easily. Close proximity to home has actually strengthened her college experience by providing extra support for her various extracurricular activities. I think she went in a little more confident as a freshman because she wasn't overwhelmed by the social adjustments. Some kids dive right into college, and culture shock is not an issue. Our D knew that living in a dorm on a large, university campus would be an adjustment for her, and she wanted a smoother transition. Her focus was on her classes from the beginning, and she immediately began to put together a strong extracurricular program. When she needed a break, she was able to come home for some much-needed away time. Her turnaround time for going back to college after this summer was exactly one week, between finishing her summer courses (one day to get ready to fly) and getting back from a two-week trip to France and Spain! Five days later, we were moving her into the International House. She was able to pull it off in such a short period of time because her university is so close to home. </p>

<p>My thinking about college is that freshmen and sophomores are making huge adjustments, no matter where they go. Familiarity during that time can be a very good tool for launching into the more mature roles of upper-div student life. If your D decides to stay closer to home, don't fret it. It may be just the right decision for her, and if it doesn't work out, she'll have the opportunity to switch things up. The undergrad years are all about change. :)</p>

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<p>
[quote]
Her high school is super preppy and I know she wants to avoid that in college.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I am not sure that this objective is easily achieved at a school with poor financial aid and a high COA... Lots of wealthy preppies, I am sure. Just a thought...</p>