When your child is not sure of what she wants to be

Parents Forum
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<p>My daughter has always said she wants to be a doctor when she grew up. She has always said this since she was a very little girl. She said it until she reached high school and then she stopped. Then she said she may want to be an engineer, like bio-medical or something. As well as very high achieving in all subjects, especially math and science, she is very artistic and has won numerous art awards on the county and state level. Wouldn't it be wonderful to merge all these talents? Then she quit saying she wanted to be an engineer. Now after months of wondering, she thought maybe she wanted to be a doctor after all and really would love to go into ob/gyn. Now it's like...."I'm just not sure." So she is struggling to find her place.</p>

<p>This is not bragging on my child time, but just to let you know her abilities so maybe you can give some insight to me: She made a 2170 on her SAT last year. (did not want to take it again this year as she made almost the same thing the year before). The only AP exam she has taken so far (our school has limited AP courses) is calculus and she made a 5 on it. She has won Math awards, has a perfect GPA taking the hardest courses our school has to offer, is # 1 in her class, was accepted into the NC School Of Mathematics (a residential HS for Science and Math gifted) but chose to come home due to homesickness (she was 16), and the list goes on. So she is quite capable of being anything she chooses. However, she is good at so many things and she loves so many things she cannot really come to a decision in where her direction needs to lie.</p>

<p>She thinks being a pharmacist would be boring (please forgive me to all you pharmacists or parents or students of the profession....I personally think it would be exciting and very rewarding) and I think she thinks engineering would be boring as well (though I could not EVER see that as being boring). She used to want to become involved in something like NASA because she's very interested in that sort of thing....but she has not talked of this in so long.</p>

<p>I am so scared that she will be so overwhelmed with so many choices, that she will not be able to decide at all. It would be a sin for that much talent not to be used. I want her to achieve her full potential.</p>

<p>So, do I just sit back and hope and pray that when she does go off to college next year that she will find her direction in time while there? She has been accepted to UNC-Chapel Hill (still undecided) and they will not let you major in anything until after your 2nd year. I'm hoping that in this time, with all the many courses and diverse atmosphere that she will find her calling. What do you think? Is there any way I can help her? I've talked to her many, many times about this and have tried my best to help her without pushing her toward anything, but I don't think I help at all.</p>

<p>What is your advice to me?</p>

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<p>That she has to decide and not you? It really is okay to be 17 and have no clue what you want to be when you graduate college. What you don't want is for her to be on a career path she chose for her parents. UNC is an excellent school and I'm sure she'll find her direction soon.</p>

3

<p>She's fine. Don't worry.</p>

<p>The only issue is that pre-med students should really start their requirements right away. I'd suggest she start as if she's pre-med. She can always drop it if she changes her mind. She can even change her mind after graduation--post-college pre-med programs for taking pre-med classes in order to go to med school are becoming extremely popular.</p>

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<p>Muffy, I KNOW that it is HER decision and not MINE. I would NEVER try to talk her into being what I think she needs to be. I thought I made that clear. All I want to do is seek advice on how I can HELP her, or advice for me to just let it be and trust her enough to eventually know. Hey....maybe I just answered my own question then.</p>

<p>One thing I am NOT and that is a pushy mother.</p>

5

<p>Salem,
Given your previous thread and this one, I'd encourage her to go to a school that gives her as many options as possible for whatever path she ultimately chooses. The "I'm not sure what I want to major in" may also be a proxy for anxieties about heading off to college. This is one she's gotta process on her own, but I'd encourage her to keep her options open.</p>

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<p>In college, your daugher will be exposed to academic subjects she has not yet studied in high school and possible career paths that she is not even aware of yet. From personal experience, I was a science major but did not even learn about the career I eventually pursued until almost the end of my college studies. My son, like your daughter, was a very talented student who could excel in almost any subject, but he was not sure of what career he would pursue. He started out in computer science and got excellent grades in it, but was never truly fascinated by it and could not see himself spending his career in that field. When he started taking economics courses in college, he realized that his true interest was in that field. I am sure that your daughter will figure out where her interests lie. She is lucky that her talents allow her to have so many possible options.</p>

7

<p>One caveat: If MotherOfTwo's son had started out in economics and then realized that his true love was computer science, he would have had a lot more trouble than he did starting out in computer science and then switching to economics.</p>

<p>That's because the major in computer science is much more structured and sequential in nature than the the major in economics, making it harder to switch into computer science than to switch into economics. (One of my kids is a computer science major and the other is an economics major, so I have some idea of what I'm talking about here. Really.)</p>

<p>Programs in engineering, chemistry, physics, and biology are also very sequential in nature -- even more so than computer science, at many universities. A student who does not start out in one of these fields but develops an interest in it later may find it difficult to complete a major in the field without taking extra semesters of college (or lots and lots of summer school).</p>

<p>The prudent student with multiple interests should plan a program that allows for getting started on the prerequisites for the most structured major or majors among their spectrum of interests during their first year of college. The less structured subjects can wait. </p>

<p>For example, when I went to college, I was not sure whether I wanted to major in biology or psychology. The biology major is highly structured and sequential. The psychology major is not. It was crucial for me to take the first courses in the biology major as a freshman (introductory biology and chemistry), or I would not have been able to complete the major in time. Taking the first courses in the psychology major was less important. I could have waited a year before taking any course from the psychology department and I still would have had no trouble completing the major.</p>

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<p>I agree with all of Marian's excellent points. When I posted, I was not thinking about what courses to take, but just the fact that many students do not realize where their interests lie until after high school. I personally started out as a Biology major and ended up switching to Biochemistry, which is more structured. I did have to take a two semester summer school course after my freshman year to be on track for my major. My son actually strongly considered double majoring in Computer Science and Economics, but the Computer Science major, which was in the Engineering School, required so many courses that he would have had to overload his credits in almost every quarter, with no free electives. The Economics major required fewer courses and the order they were taken in was not as important. In the end, my son ended up with a Computer Science minor along with Econ major, and he was able to do an Honors thesis in Economics. It seemed like even the Computer Science minor required as many courses as majors in some other fields!</p>

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<p>Many...MANY students are in the same boat as the OPs daughter. AND many many more THINK they know what they want to major in, and then change their majors (sometimes numerous times before settling on a final choice). We have a kid like that in this household. Her college choice had a core course requirement that gave her exposure to many different fields of study. She went in thinking about something in the sciences, and took those courses as part of her core requirements. She is a sophomore now and just declared her (first) major. The OPs daughter will tease this all out once she is at college. She'll find the courses that are of interest and the courses of study that she finds appealing as well. I agree with others...she should go where her options can be explored.</p>

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<p>Most of the students who are positive that they want to be doctors change their mind after one year of pre-med. If she goes to college with an open mind, she will find her way. I think it is more of a problem when kids are "100% sure" they want to be engineers, go to a tech school, and have no recourse when things turn out to be different from what they expected...</p>

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<p>When my mom was in college, she loved art, and she did medical drawings-you know with arms and legs and such from cadavers</p>

<p>when my grandma came home and found several drunk coeds sitting around drawing a brain in a jar, she said that dead body parts were no longer allowed in her home</p>

<p>apparently the girls flirted with some med students who "loaned" them the brain to draw</p>

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<p>One of the greatest things that happened when we visited some LAC's was that my daughter's love of learning was validated. While some majors have coursework that is preordained, even being a doctor would be possible regardless of her major, as long as she loaded up on the required math and science courses. </p>

<p>As long as your DD is hardworking and is not a goof-off (which she obviously is not), I would encourage her to relax about deciding what she wants to do when she grows up. What makes this time difficult is that she will be asked that question by many people (or more likely - "what's your major?") who are just interested and well-intentioned. Tell her to come up with a broad response and don't worry if she changes her mind at some point.</p>

<p>Kids like your daughter will not end their college career after four years. She will likely go on to graduate school in some area. Unless she wants engineering she really doesn't have to decide right away what she wants to do.</p>

<p>Good luck - and remind yourself how lucky you both are to have a daughter with so many talents and interests.</p>

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<p>I think Marion's point is a good one. It's always easier to change from science to humanities than the other way around. Easier to go from molecular biology to psychology than the other way around. So just nudge your D towards the hard sciences and if she balks, give in...</p>

<p>It's completely normal not to know what you want to do as a grownup when you are only 17. Entire novels have been written on the subject:).</p>

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<p>Chiming in as a recent college grad, I agree with those saying "sit back and [try to] let it work itself out." I had a career in mind by the time I was 8 (marine biology), but by the time I got to college, I wasn't sure if I wanted to study English, journalism, philosophy, religion, neuroscience, psychology, math, engineering, graphic design, linguistics, or about 20 other things. I'll flatter myself by calling it the curse of the well-rounded! Needless to say, things eventually fell into place. I picked a liberal arts major/minor combination that makes perfect sense to me (but baffles many others), and my parents were wildly relieved when I finally settled on a direction: law school. Now people ask me what type of law I want to study. Well, I have two very strong interests. As is my way, they're complete and utter opposites. I've just resigned myself to the fact that I have broad interests and that I have to deal with them. Your daughter may have to do the same ;)</p>

<p>Colleges are prepared to handle situations like this. Your daughter will meet other confused/overwhelmed/unsure students, she'll talk to advisors and professors, she'll do some picking and choosing, she'll have some lucky breaks...it'll all work out. My dad entered college as an anthropology major. When he registered, he needed Intro to Anthro as a pre-req for all other anthro offerings, but the course was already full. He ended up graduating in math/English (and continuing on to grad school in CS), all without ever taking a single anthropology course. Unless circumstances are exceptional, there's just too much that can change to bother worrying about this quite yet. I'm sure that if your daughter is as intelligent and driven as she sounds, she's already got this topic on her mind and is tackling it at her own pace. If it's still an issue a year, year and a half down the road, then will be the time to step in. For now, I'd just suggest (though of course, I'm not a parent) keeping an open mind, encouraging your daughter to get GE's out of the way early (a good way to explore one's options without 'wasting time'), and letting your daughter know that her indecision is okay (there's a good chance that she's actually pretty worried herself). I also agree with above posters that she should take flexibility into consideration when selecting a school (i.e. if she might want engineering to be an option, avoid colleges with separate schools of engineering, or make sure that transferring between schools is possible), and if pre-med really is a possibility, start out in that direction (easier to switch out of than into, and it sounds like your daughter is strong in the sciences, so the possibility of a lower-than-it-could-be GPA shouldn't be too much of a deterrent).</p>

<p>As another poster mentioned, your daughter will be exposed to all kinds of new fields and opportunities when she gets to college (and out of the strict HS "reading/writing/arithmetic" mode into crazy "Caribbean literature/Analysis of the Memoir/Combinatorics" mode). In many ways, it's good to enter college with an open mind. One of my friends majored in biology and is now in graduate school for art. She plans to be a medical illustrator. Who knew?</p>

<p>Good luck to your daughter!</p>

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<p>salem, The world of work is vast and multifaceted. Most teenagers can't begin to fathom the breadth of their options and thus latch on to a career with a title: doctor, lawyer, indian chief. Then during the course of a liberal arts education they get exposed to a range of disciplines and get even more confused by wealth the choices available to them.</p>

<p>It's simply too early to obsess. Yes, some kids do know at age 6 that they're going to be doctors or teachers or engineers or architects, but these early chanelled individuals are rare. Most of us stumble into our careers and many of us change and change again before settling on our life's work. Total education time may take a little longer if you drift with the "undecided" masses for a few years but that liberal arts foundation will prove invaluable in life no matter what you end up being.</p>

<p>My advice to you would be to encourage your daughter to put her eventual career to the side for now and to use her college days as an opportunity to sample everything and anything that interests her. In a few years she'll be able to focus on path for graduate school, though I've noticed more and more that kids graduating with BA/BS degrees sometimes take time-out in the work force trying on a profession before commiting to a graduate or professional school.</p>

<p>Will your daughter end up combining all her talents and interests: art therapist, medical illustrator? Perhaps she'll become pediatrician who distracts a sick child with a drawing or de-stresses at a museum. At an academically focused college like UNC (or wherever your daughter ends up) she'll be thrilled by the stimulus and challenge of so much information. Yes, it can be overwhelming to have so many choices and just 4 classes each term, but the point is to seek a balance among a variety of disciplines and experiment in unfamilar but appealing areas.</p>

<p>Favorite classes and instructors will lead to internships and summer jobs and her future path will become clearer and clearer.</p>

<p>EDIT: Cross-posted with Student615. Similar outlooks from different perspectives.</p>

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<p>I agree with the comments that you should encourage her to start out on a structured path and change later. Easier to go one way than the other.</p>

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<p>I have two Ds the age of yours. When they were 3 they wanted to be farmers who raised animals. At five they found out that farmers made their living by eating their animals or selling them to be eaten so they decided to be veterinarians. They have been focused on that goal ever since. To tell you the honest truth I would welcome being in the spot you are in. I often worry that they will continue on this track because it is what they decided at 5. Yes they love animals and I know they always will but there are SO many career optionsfor them to pursue I hope hope hope they will give other careers at least a passing thought.</p>

<p>The most important thing to me is that they find what they love and what fulfills them. If veterinary work is what one or both of them still loves after four years of undergraduate I will be thrilled. If one or both decides to be an art historian or a chef I will be surprised but no-less thrilled. Undergrad work esp. at an LAC is for defining yoru interests and focusing on your academic goals. Be glad that she is willing to open herself up to all the posibilities that are waiting out there for her.</p>

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<p>Why are you 'so scared'? That sounds sooo ominous and horrible! </p>

<p>Try to relax and it will help her to do so as well. Her full potential is not what she 'could do' (that just happens to be socially high status and conventionally approved) but what she <em>wants</em> to do. And finding one's passion and having inner awareness to do so does not emerge in a stressful state or context. </p>

<p>As you know, everything can't be controlled, programmed, or predicted. Great things emerge when they are allowed to emerge. She sounds like a wonderful and talented child. I would trust she'll find her passion with time and be extremely successful with whatever she chooses. Just encourage her to explore and get an education without yet worrying about things fitting instrumentally into a predetermined goal.</p>

<p>She'll find it. Likely with her first degree, but maybe not even then, but it's perfectly okay too. Great paths are not often straight. Just think of all the people you know who are quite passionately and successfully involved in their chosen careers--- that had nothing to do with their degree, or major, or ambition in HS.</p>