When your "daughter" starts saying she wants to join the **MILITARY**?? What do you do?

Parents Forum
1

Title says it all, I’m like “What, where did this come from?”

The Career Coaching group came to her school and I don’t know what was said, but my daughter can’t stop talking about joining the military now. I’m not warm and fuzzy about this in the slightest.

We have college $$, we paid for prep, she is pretty solid (3.56UW 29 ACT), to just “joint the military” was definitely not he plan, someone make me feel better :slight_smile:

Yes, I know its not my choice totally hers, but we have 3 family members in the military (2 active 1 retired) and lets say they are some of the most egotistical, arrogant, and morally slanted people I know. Yes, I’m biased and scared!

2

How about having her look into ROTC while she gets her degree? It would be a different experience than enlisting.

3

What if it was your “son”?

My son went to college and then did Officer Candidates School after he got out. I’m not thrilled, but it’s his life and in his case, at least, he tried out some other options first. I like the idea of having her look into ROTC.

4

Agree…ROTC came to my mind as well. And if she goes that route she would enter the military as an officer.

5

My daughters are far too strong willed to want to have a sergeant telling them when to wake up, what to do, and what to think.

You could have your daughter spend some time with the most arrogant, obnoxious and egotistical family member that you have that is in the service. Then when alone ask “do you want to follow all orders that this person is going to give you for several years”.

Another thing that you could try is to question the wisdom of some of the US’s overseas wars. Whether this will work might depend upon the general political leaning of your family.

You could look at statistics about sexual harrassment and/or assault in the military (if you can find statistics).

I would be scared also. Good luck with this.

6

Thank you to yoir daughter for considering serving in our armed forces. Yes…it’s tough to hear…but be proud of her…if that is the path she chooses.

7

  1. Point her towards the academies (free tuition and high salaries)

  2. Point her towards ROTC (scholarships)

  3. Have her consider the reserves while in college.

  4. If she wants to enlist, start prepping her for the ASVAB so she could have her choice of preferably non-combat jobs that cross over to civilian jobs like Air Traffic controller or Nuke.

8

Ask her why she wants to join. My DS had a career goal in mind that was previously heavily slanted to military experience. Once he understood that paths to reach that goal had changed, he no longer wanted to do ROTC.

9

If she is so enamored with military and academically talented why not considered some military service academies.

10

I mean…how old is she? I expressed interest in joining the military in high school, too, after a recruiter souped me up after taking the ASVAB and scoring well. I ultimately decided against it for a variety of reasons. Many HS students cycle through a lot of careers and ideas before they settle on something they actually want to do.

I think the best strategy is taking a look at the military job chart and salary chart and showing her how much more she’ll make if she goes to college and becomes an officer, vs. going enlisted. The base pay for a brand-new E-1 is about $1600/month; the base pay for a brand new O-1 is over $3,000 a month. Officers are the managers and leaders in the military; she’ll hit a ceiling eventually as an enlisted member, and even the most senior enlisted member is still subordinate to the lowliest O-1 (although relationships are complex).

Moreover, one thing she may be surprised to know is that after a certain level as an enlisted member she’d be expected to get a bachelor’s degree anyway to continue to rise. When I met my husband’s chain of command at military functions, I was initially surprised to realize how many of them had bachelor’s and even master’s degrees. Take a look at the last several Chief Master Sergeants of the Air Force (and equivalent top-ranking enlisted personnel in the Army and Navy) - they all have BA/BS degrees, and some have master’s degrees.

So even if she wanted to be enlisted, a bachelor’s degree would benefit her in terms of pay and rank.

People make much of the “sergeant telling you when to wake up, what to do, and what to think” because they think basic training is representative of the entire experience of being in the military. Basic Military Training is only 6-8 weeks long. After that, many jobs in the military function a lot like a normal job - you wake up to make your shift, you’re told what to do in the context of your job, you can think what you want to think but you have some constraints on how you can express that (which is also true of non-military jobs).

Also, people in the military - as people outside - are different. There are 1.2 million active duty personnel in the U.S. Armed Forces. Not all of them are arrogant, obnoxious, or egotistical. That would be like assuming that everyone who works in the U.S. tech industry is arrogant, obnoxious, and egotistical.

I admit that I myself am biased because my husband’s a veteran (and service operations supporting the war in Iraq and Afghanistan), my grandfather’s a Korean War vet, and I’ve got cousins and uncles who have served or are currently serving as well.

11

Try the overly enthusiastic approach. That effect works well LOL. What is a career coach doing at a school selling the military? Is that a real thing?

12

@Sybylla Maybe it was military recruitment to follow the law.

13

What doschicos said if your daughter continues to show strong interest in that path. I’m not sure how ROTC works these days, but when I went to college, I took an ROTC class for a semester, and while I thought it was an interesting and positive experience, I ended up deciding not to pursue it after the semester was over. I think it could have been a good career choice for the right person, but I wasn’t that person. If she chooses that option, she’ll have a degree and will enter the military as an officer and most likely would have a variety of career opportunities after her service obligation is fulfilled. I’m sure the experience would make her a stronger, more capable, and confident women, which are good traits to have.

No offense to any military personnel, but I live near a large very well known military base and I definitely agree that SOME military people can be arrogant and egotistical and it gets kind of old dealing with that attitude on a daily basis (It may be due to the particular branch of the military though, IDK). It seems like there has been a trend in the past decade or so for military folks to be somewhat more blatantly boastful of their service and “patriotism”. But I have known and worked with many veterans and active duty military folks during my lifetime and most are/were kind, friendly and modest - like my father and FIL who was a WWII POW. He rarely talked about the experience. I think arrogant and egotistical people are going to be found in all walks of life - it’s not a trait exclusive to the military.

As a parent to two daughters, I think I would be extremely upset too, it’s scary enough sending your kid off to college, much less having to worry about the possibility of your kid having to complete an overseas tour of duty in a hostile environment. I would encourage you to have some serious discussions with your daughter about what a commitment to military service entails, and the possible consequences of that huge decision. Does she have the kind of personality that could deal with the demands of military life? Has she done thorough research on the different branches, the careers available (including the Coast Guard that doesn’t involve combat duty), and the different ways that she could serve, for example, ROTC vs. direct enlistment after high school, serving in the reserves, etc. Once she’s 18, you can’t stop her from joining the military, but you can do your best to make sure she is aware of her options.

Also, let her know that there are other options like the Peace Corps and working for non-profit organizations that have oversees programs which would give her a sense of service to others without the level of danger and commitment that a stint in the military would entail.

Good luck.

14

Our kids aren’t healthy enough to be good candidates for the military–when they were in HS or now. They also have a hard time waking early and following precise orders that may be arbitrary at times. They never seriously contemplated being in the military. As a parent, I definitely would be concerned if either of my kids seemed interested but didn’t have a deep understanding of what a military commitment may entail.

15

I would echo @LeastComplicated’s advice that if she decides to pursue this path that she look VERY carefully into the different branches of the military before deciding. And not just the official marketing materials but really kick the tires, look under the hood, etc. They are not all equal and some are a better place to be for a young woman and to avoid a certain culture.

16

I’ll not judge your profession by a couple bad apples if you don’t judge all military by a couple family members. Deal? And the military does far more to combat sexual assault than colleges did until recently. The military is transparent on stats. Many other institutions are not.

ROTC is the correct route. I would not encourage enlisting with her stats unless the purpose was maturing before college or a very specific desire to serve. I wouldn’t recommend service academy as much since it doesn’t offer the same trial environment that ROTC does. You can do ROTC without a scholarship.

Research ROTC scholarship commitment details. I think it’s one year before commitment but it may be right away. But, you can stay at the college without the scholarship if you want. The Service Academies you have two years before you sign a commitment (week before junior year) but if you decide it’s not for you, you are forced into a transfer situation with status quo not an option.

17

As many up thread have suggested, I would ask my daughter to please research the various ways to enter the military, and to learn what she can about military life to guide her decision, while also continuing to pursue college options.

After working with military families for almost two decades, I actually have a tremendous pride for our US Military, and the opportunities that come from military service are rather amazing. Yes, the possibility of war and loss is very real, and yes that is scary. The chance to work on amazing teams with people from all walks of life, a truly diverse population, to travel the world, take advantage of tremendous educational opportunities, is really special.

I would be very proud if my daughter chose military life. Honestly, given recent events in the world and in our own country (bombs at concerts, cars driving into crowds in tourist sites, shootings in nightclubs), I am just as afraid of her traveling to Europe, being in some large US cities, or attending events in places where there are large crowds anywhere. There’s no guarantee of safety, even if we could keep our kids home forever.

18

How long has this been going on? If it’s just been for a week or two, then it could very well be a phase, and in a few weeks your daughter will be onto something else. Both of our kids considered going into the military, but never did.

That said, I was in the military, and find your characterization of people in the military as being egotistical, arrogant, and morally slanted, to be ignorant. There are all kinds of people in the military, and you can no more make generalizations about them then you can about everyone in Texas or California or France. And while the military may not be the right environment for some, it’s a great opportunity for others.

19

Out of curiosity, do you/your family come from a society where military service was regarded negatively?

Just wondering as I recalled reading an article several years ago about how when a student from a academically elite NE prep school populated by scions from well-off upper/upper-middle class families opted to enlist in the Marines, the boarding school admins and many parents in the PTA were inclined to first wonder “Where have they gone wrong”.

I’ve also witnessed several HS classmates back in the early-mid '90s who were children of unreconstructed '60s hippies/counterculture parents deliberately opt to apply to the Service Academies/ROTC as a form of rebellion we used to call “pulling an Alex P. Keaton”.

20

“the boarding school admins and many parents in the PTA were inclined to first wonder “Where have they gone wrong”.”

The boarding schools I’m familiar with, which are many, don’t have PTAs. Additionally, many boarding schools send students to military academies yearly. I really doubt it is being questioned by the admins. It’s an established path to higher ed and respected as it should be.