Which essay should I chose? help, it's due tuesday!

College Essays
1

<p>Which essay should I chose for the Governor's scholars program? A or B?</p>

<p>Prompt: Describe a unique activity or personal experience in 250 words or less.</p>

<p>A. In the fall of my freshman year I saw a sight that would forever change my life and the lives of others in my community. On one cold October day, my family and I were on our way to church when we saw a woman and her two children huddled outside of a small shack they called home. I was completely shocked; I didn’t realize many people in my community didn’t have an adequate living area. Due to this problem I thought of the Appalachian Assistance League. The Appalachian Assistance League is a home repair project through which volunteers and staff repair homes for low-income families in the Appalachian region. Our goal is to make homes warmer, safer, and drier while offering indescribable experiences for families and volunteers alike. Over the past three years I have helped repair nearly thirty homes.</p>

<pre><code>I hold the Appalachian Assistance League dear to my heart because it gives me the opportunity to learn about myself and give to others at the same time. Before I began working with the Appalachian Assistance League I was very materialistic, always wanting the latest fad. Now that I’ve seen firsthand the hardships that these people have overcome I think twice before I buy a designer purse! The Appalachian Assistance program has also taught me the importance of teamwork and given me lifelong lessons in determination, and putting someone’s needs before my own.
</code></pre>

<p>B. About four years ago I remember visiting my great grandmother in a nursing home. She complained about how little there was to do at the nursing home. When I left the nursing home I realized many patients felt this way. While I was outside having fun with my friends they were cooped up inside. I knew something had to be done. So, I went to the craft store and purchased a book on origami and a few packages of colored paper. After a few weeks of practice I could turn a meaningless sheet of pink paper into a three-dimensional crane! Soon thereafter, I began taking weekly trips to the nursing home to teach my great grandmother this unique Japanese art. I cherished the look of enjoyment that beamed from her face each time she mastered an animal or flower! When her friends saw the lovely origami flowers my great grandmother had made, they wanted to join in on the fun! A month later I was teaching a group of fifteen how to make origami swans! Over the past two years my group has grown to about thirty, with newcomers joining every week.</p>

<p>Teaching origami to the elderly has helped me to grow as a person. I have become more focused on the needs of others instead of just worrying about myself. The people I teach every week touch my heart, and make me feel like I can accomplish anything. They have taught me the virtue of patience.</p>

2

<p>Anyone??? please!!!</p>

3

<p>I liked the writing and development for B better, though Appalachian Assistance League seems like it's a more impressive accomplishment.</p>

4

<p>I like B better, too.</p>

5

<p>yep, I agree. Stick with B!</p>

6

<p>Definitely B, Option A has a tone of a wealthy ignorant (or ignoramus...however you like it). </p>

<p>Sentences and passages in option A that caught my attention:</p>

<p>"I was completely shocked; I didn't realize many people in my community didn't have an adequate living area"</p>

<p>You used "didn't" twice which evokes the sense of repetitiveness, and the phrase "completely shocked" kind of implies you were blind about your community. I know this isn't true, but the voice and tone of it really chews it up.</p>

<p>"The Appalachian Assistance League is a home repair project through which volunteers and staff repair homes for low-income families in the Appalachian region. Our goal is to make homes warmer, safer, and drier while offering indescribable experiences for families and volunteers alike"</p>

<p>A bit too informative for a 250 word essay, and the voice of this passage seems a bit different from the rest of the essay.</p>

<p>"Now that I've seen firsthand the hardships that these people have overcome I think twice before I buy a designer purse!"</p>

<p>I don't need to explain this one do I? I'm aware of what you're trying to say, but again, the voice and tone of this sentence conflicts the idea you are trying to convey.</p>

7

<p>Sentences and passages in option B that caught my attention:</p>

<p>"About four years ago I remember visiting my great grandmother in a nursing home"</p>

<p>I suggest that you change it to: "I remember visiting my great grandmother in a nursing home four years ago". However, you can stick to your original, I just find the alternative to have a better flow.</p>

<p>"While I was outside having fun with my friends they were cooped up inside"</p>

<p>I would remove this sentence: "When I left the nursing home I realized many patients felt this way. I knew something had to be done". This alternative sounds like you were being an initiative leader (and indeed you were a leader) of this project, not because of some guilt or pity.</p>

<p>"A month later I was teaching a group of fifteen how to make origami swans!" If I were you, I would replace ! with . solely because using two "!" in a row sounds like you're screaming at the reader. However, you can still keep it if it was indeed something to be excited about.</p>

8

<p>Thanks Birdkiller, it helped alot!</p>