<ol>
<li><p>The opening sentences are weak and boring. The admissions counselors already know your name and where you live. “I am writing about” is a cliche phrase to use. Get a new introduction that will grab people’s attention.</p></li>
<li><p>“I would always complain about how spoilt some of my schoolmates would be.” I’m a bit confused by this sentence and why you’re saying it, since you seem to be calling yourself privileged in the sentence before it. Are you trying to say that you were jealous of what your schoolmates had, and you wanted to live lifestyles like them? Because I’m not sure privileged people complain about how spoiled other people are.</p></li>
<li><p>“Many homes and buildings were old-looking, and most of that town’s budget seemed to go into the public library and the local bowling alley.” Another sentence I’m confused by. This doesn’t show how bad the town is.</p></li>
<li><p>I’m not sure “walking to school” is that much of a privilege, and a “15-minute drive” to school is that much of a hardship. I have to drive 40-60 minutes to my school. However, that 15-minute drive could be a hardship if the gas money is too much.</p></li>
<li><p>The SAT example is weak. It doesn’t adequately show the hardships you faced, and comes off as bragging. Is the SAT really the best example you could think of of how you overcome obstacles during your homelessness?</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Your main issue is “less telling, more showing.” Talk more about your conditions when homeless, the challenges you faced, and more about how you felt after removing into a new home. Btw, what essay prompt are you doing?</p>
<p>1) Don’t post your essay on CC. Now it’s waiting to be plagiarized by anyone with access to a computer.
2) Get rid of the first two sentences. The admissions officer knows your name is ______ and you’re from NJ. They’re reading your file. If you were going through hundreds of essays, would the one that starts “My name is _______, and I am an applicant from the state of NJ” be the one that seems more interesting than the one that starts “My head throbbed as I closed my eyes and tried to convince myself to give up.”? That intro doesn’t pull the reader in or make them want to read any further. In Gen and Kelly Tanabe’s book they say "Students have started their essays by repeating the question asked and even stating their names. This does little to grab the attention of the admissions officers. I’d start it with something more interesting like “I didn’t have a bed.” and then going on to describe your homelessness. Also, don’t say you’re going to do something in your essay; just do it. By the end of your essay the reader should know what you were trying to accomplish.</p>
Looking at it again, that’s a sentence that I’ll remove.
I’ll get more into how bad the town really was in my next draft.
Walking to school wasn’t exactly a privilege per se, but it’s something that I didn’t fully appreciate until I was no longer able to do so. Yes, the gas money was a lot, hence why my parents would sometimes even refuse to let me visit my friends right after school.
to be honest, at the time, that WAS the only example I could think of.
I’m doing prompt #1, by the way.</p>
<p>@430ktk
If someone is actually dishonorable enough to plagiarize it, then so be it. There will be a LOT of changes from this current draft to the second one. My opening does sound very bland taking a second look at it.</p>
<p>@lbad96
no you should be worried because if someone plagiarizes it and you both turn in the same essay they won’t bother to figure out who copied the other and both of you will be in trouble. ask the mods to edit that essay out.
@fallenchemist @Erin’s Dad</p>
<p>@theanaconda hit the nail on the head. If someone else plagiarizes it and an admissions officer notices it (which they might because I’m pretty sure they run essays through something like Turn It In), rather than stop going through their thousands of applications, they’ll just move both of you to the reject pile.</p>
<p>Ibad:
NO.
Read post #12. “don’t make it 3/4 the scenario and challenges and then a quick wrap with a few final lines about the changes. Remember, when it comes to your growth, “show, not tell,” is effective.”</p>
<p>You wrote a commentary. When an adcom reads it, what stands out to make him or her want you at that college? </p>
<p>I agree. I don’t think this says much about you to the college. Mostly it is “I faced all this hardship and look how great I did, I even impressed myself!” I think you are missing the point of the essay…</p>
<p>@lookingforward @intparent well, reading it a second time, I may have to revamp 3/4 of the essay!! </p>
<p>Second draft will begin tomorrow. PM me if you are interested in reading it once I’m finished. I’ll send it to you via that method rather than making the mistake of posting it publicly.</p>
<p>I can take a look, but I should probably tell you that I’m a senior in high school like you. While I have zero intention of stealing your essay (since I don’t relate with your life experiences and I already have my own drafts), if that makes you uncomfortable and you don’t want to send your essay to me, that’s totally fine.</p>