whining and feeling guilty

Parents Forum
1

<p>I am having a really hard time dealing with the results of my DS's application process. I am feeling SO guilty and thinking I misled him or led him astray! I just hurt for him so much, and I'm getting my rotor blades rusty here. </p>

<p>This isn't a horror story. He will be happy eventually where he ends up and he does have some good options. I am simply whining and feeling down. I am well aware that things could be much worse. My heart goes out to those who really have it hard. This just wasn't the happy ending I had envisioned for him.</p>

<p>When my DS10 got accepted to his first choice, with great $, you could hear the joy across the country. Happy dances and eager phone calls all around. That's what I wanted for DS12. He's the sensitive one.</p>

<p>I thought we did everything right. Apparently not so much. But I'm not really sure where it went wrong... and I feel like I let him down.</p>

<p>He did exhaustive college board searches. Very focused on "fit". Didn't even consider an IVY though he was a Presidential scholar candidate (3000 in the country). We visited 15 campuses. He applied to 6.</p>

<p>Yes he has a financial safety. 2 in fact. So he is in at 2 schools that have his desired major, has a good reputation, and we can afford it. We didn't visit and they aren't perfect but frankly we didn't really expect to need it. We truly thought we'd be choosing from the other 4. pretty much matches. Frankly, he knows himself. He didn't want a pile of rejections. .. Just to choose between some good solid options that "fit" him.</p>

<h1>3 Applied EA. Accepted but while great merit the need portion was ALL loans. Not really a viable option we thought, but we may need to revisit. In essence we nonchalantly crossed it off the list back in December since we thought there'd be more choices.</h1>

<h1>1 Fell in love with it. Maybe a mild reach so we bit the bullet and he applied ED even though we need aid (it's a 100% meets need school but need aware).</h1>

<p>He eliminated all the higher ranked schools from his application list. "If I don't get into #1 I'm certainly not getting into Amherst or Williams".<br>
Deferred ED. He didnt give up and submitted tons of additional info. essay etc.
Rejected RD</p>

<h1>2 Beautiful campus, good fit. Didn't like the town as much but a good 2nd choice. Should be a match/safety according to naviance.</h1>

<p>Waitlist</p>

<p>He learned he was rejected from #1, WL at #2 within 10 minutes of each other on Friday.</p>

<p>That leaves the last of the 4. Nice school with suitable programs. Loves the small campus. Reasonable distance from home. Academically this is a solid safety. And he did "love thy safety". But it's human nature to like the match and reaches more.
accepted Saturday with probably do-able aid.</p>

<p>but it's his safety. and it's not a choice. Its kind of the only good option. Getting the big envelope was a relief, not a joy. Someone on my favorite thread of great '12 parents said the goal is to have good options to choose from. I guess we didnt do it quite right.</p>

<p>Thanks for reading my "vent". I am hoping the joy will come.</p>

2

<p>oops - really long. sorry.</p>

3

<p>skier - I’ll put this in perspective. Yes, we jump for joy when we find that very perfect college. How did we decide it would be perfect? Online searches and one visit, maybe two. Is that really enough time to decide this fabulous match?</p>

<p>As a business owner I do a lot of interviewing and hiring. And yes, I read through the resumes, tossing the obvious no’s. And I interview a lot of really nice people (a lot of weird ones too). And at the end of the day I pick someone. And sometimes it works and they’re great, and sometimes they don’t.</p>

<p>And what I keep coming back to is - you don’t know til you know. You can’t read tea leaves and say this one will be bad, this one will be perfect. There is such a thing as good enough. </p>

<p>This has not worked out the way I thought it would during all the dreaming and planning up to this point. I never would have said last spring that this would be where we would be today. And I hope and pray it’s as good as a fit as possible, but even my son says, it’s up to me to make the most of it. </p>

<p>How did we get to this place where colleges cost over 50k a year? It’s insanity.</p>

4

<p>

</p>

<p>Focus on “good option”–you guys did something very right in finding a financial safety that he would attend. Sorry that he didn’t get into his other schools, but help him move on.</p>

5

<p>So sorry for your S and you that the process has not ended as hoped for…Perhaps you should make some more campus visits to the remaining viable options and try to take a look at them with “fresh” eyes. Be excited for your S and the options that he has, research for the good points of those choices and help your S to focus on those.</p>

6

<p>Aw, skier - so sorry to hear it! I don’t think you OR your son did anything wrong. He’s an incredibly strong student judging from his accomplishments and scores, and he picked schools he truly felt were a good fit for him (and included safeties). He did it all right, and got mixed results.</p>

<p>I can just imagine how you’re feeling for him. You know he’s got options and you know he will go forward and have great success and wonderful shining experiences in the college he attends. But right now you have to watch him work through rejection and that tears a mom apart. </p>

<p>I guess your job now is to gather information on his choices and dig a little deeper into what they offer. It sounds like his favorite one that’s doable is where he’s probably headed. Time to find out what’s great about it and once he’s processed it all he can start to get excited about what next year is going to bring. If he hasn’t already met with a prof in his major, find one in the department that’s popular on rate my professor and see if he wants to set up a meeting. Buy the T-shirt, find the facebook page for the class of 2016, etc. Start planning first semester courses.</p>

<p>I know exactly where you’re coming from. He has a great acceptance at a school he loves with merit money. You know he’ll be fine. But still - it’s painful right now. </p>

<p><<<<hugs>>>></hugs></p>

7

<p>You and your DS did just fine. It would be worse to be accepted into other places and then learn you really couldn’t afford them. Guilt? Just the opposite. Congratulations on finding a safety that really works! </p>

<p>“Love the one you’re with.”</p>

8

<p>Time to get excited and celebrate! Buy the school colors and enjoy! Support your son! He wants to be excited and is probably waiting for you to be excited for him. So do it! No matter where he goes it’s a huge milestone in life.
My only question is you have two financial safeties with a good reputation? That’s great! Most would die to have that option. Why aren’t you visiting? Or you’ve just crossed them off your list? For what reason?</p>

9

<p>Three years ago we were in a similar position with D3 - a top student who had to walk away from her top choice because it was going to be too many loans when we were facing an extended unemployment situation and were going through savings quickly. Her older two sisters were in college at the time. My heart was heavy and hers was too when it became obvious that she was going to have to attend her financial safety which provided a scholarship in excess of tuition.
In those three years, she has studied abroad with additional scholarship funding, has had 2 internships which were very competitive to get, has finished her undergrad thesis, been awarded additional scholarship money from her department, been accepted early into a grad program ranked 2nd in the country, and so on. She has availed herself of every opportunity available to her. She is very happy where she’s at. Your son will be happy too as long as he takes the initiative to go after whatever his heart desires. And he, like my daughter, will thank his parents for helping make that possible.</p>

10

<p>Thank you for the kind words</p>

<p>PN - thanks for the <<hug>>. You do understand exactly where I’m coming from.</hug></p>

<p>Rushedmom - good idea. We did take a detour on the way home from our trip and stopped by the campus of #4. Nice sunny day. Didn’t help that DH didn’t like it (he missed the first 2 visits) - thought it was too small and boxy (thank goodness he had the sense to communicate that to me in looks and not to DS)</p>

<p>We will make the most of it. I know I’m whining.</p>

11

<p>skier29 – I’m confused. You say he applied to six schools, but give results for four:</p>

<h1>1 deferred then rejected</h1>

<h1>2 WL</h1>

<h1>3 accepted EA, but FA is all loans so maybe affordable maybe not</h1>

<h1>4 accepted affordable and good fit</h1>

<p>What happened with the other two? Were they unloved financial safeties, but he applied anyway and was accepted?</p>

<p>If I read you correctly, you have a choice among 4 options:
MacDonalds (unloved financial safety)
Burger king (unloved financial safety)
Cheesecake Factory (affordable fit) (#4)
and going into hock for filet mignon at the Ruth Chris Steakhouse (#3)</p>

<p>He (and you) need to let go of what you cannot have and choose among the choices that have actually materialized. Perhaps it’s not the set of choices you’d hoped for, but it doesn’t sound like you’re going to go hungry. </p>

<p>Put on a positive face, and go figure out your favorite flavor of cheesecake. :)</p>

12

<p>Skier: This is the right place to whine, so go right ahead. It’s fine to feel disapointed. This process is very unpredictable, and I don’t think that you did anything wrong. Fortunately, he does have some good options, and most likely things will work out very well wherever he lands. Good luck to you and your son.</p>

13

<p>Skier29- its okay to whine, this is your DS your talking about. We all hate to see our kids hurting…
Spring is a great time for visits so hopefully you can get a couple more in…</p>

14

<p>gouf78 - those 2 financial safeties are the ones I made him apply to. It’s probably more accurate to say he applied to 4 and me to 2 :slight_smile:
One so he had an acceptance in September and could sleep,
the other is to our SUNY school that has his desired program and is a school we knew we could afford. He wanted 3-5K students fairly rural/suburban, and SUNY is 17K on Long Island. We will probably visit so it feels more like he is making a choice rather than “settling”.</p>

15

<p>Yeah, this part isn’t fun. The other tough part, skier29, is how to approach the waitlist school. I hate waitlists because they don’t let your kid have the closure they need to move on. Nevertheless, your S can still give the WL school his best shot. </p>

<p>Many schools waitlist when they suspect they aren’t the first choice and that a highly qualified student will get in elsewhere. Now would be the right time for him to update his application in a letter and let them know that they are his first choice - “If admitted, I will come” or words to that effect. His guidance counselor might be able to help my making a call on his behalf and get some sense of how the waitlist has worked out in previous years (how many were on it, how many got offers in the end, etc…)</p>

16

<p>Its so painful when our kids arent the 20ish percent they do accept at some of the very selective schools. It feels personal. Its not. He’ll likely be happy wherever he lands. It just stings now. Sorry :(</p>

17

<p>I feel for you and I am feeling the exact same way with my S. He was accepted to his “safety” school months ago and accepted into their honors program last month, but his interest in it is low. He has now received 3 denial notices and 1 waitlist from the selective schools he applied to. He has a couple more, but they were a bigger reach than the ones he has already gotten. </p>

<p>I feel like I must have done something wrong to have him wind up here and I am feeling very guilty. He is our oldest and since things have obviously changed A LOT in the 25-30 years since we graduated from high school, we sought his gc’s advice as far as choosing which schools to investigate. The gc told him he was right to be trying to apply to very selective schools but that he would need to apply to 8-10 hoping to get into 1. We did that, but now I just feel like I set him up to get a huge pile of rejection letters.</p>

18

<p>I don’t think you led your son astray - sometimes things don’t end up as we wish. And really, he did OK in the admissions process, although I understand his disappointment as well as yours. </p>

<p>I would definitely make sure he feels like he has a choice. If that means visiting the two financial safeties, then visit with enthusiasm. I would also start researching the three schools he’ll be choosing among. Find great things about them - every school has great things, so they’re there. Then talk them up. When you tell people where your son was accepted, tell them with pride and excitement. That message will get to your son. And once he chooses, do a happy dance. Make sure he has the school T-shirt or colors or something. Vent here all you want, but be excited about his choices for your son. One of those will be the college he attends, so let the love begin!</p>

19

<p>Hugs to you and your DS. I am a HS 2011 mom and have been thinking a lot this week about how glad I am to be on this side (for now, at least, as there is a younger sib).</p>

<p>My D is a freshman at her originally 5th choice school. She was rejected from her top 4 despite being above the 75th percentile stats for each, great ECs, recs, etc. It was a very hard Spring during which she questioned why she had worked so hard in high school to get that result, was horrified to share her news (co-val that everyone expected to have multiple top offers), and found it hard to muster any enthusiasm for 5th choice. </p>

<p>Fast forward to now and she is thriving. She tells people she could not imagine being anywhere else. This school is actually stronger in her major than the above 4 despite having slightly less “curb appeal.” She made Dean’s List and is engaged in several activities. A lot of it had to do with her (and our) attitude. A lot of it was dumb luck (roommate, profs, etc.). All is well. Same story for her friends from HS at other schools.</p>

<p>My point is that, with the benefit of time and an open mind, your son will also thrive. What is exceedingly difficult now, will seem insignificant later. I did not believe it when I was in your shoes, but just hold on. Your son is clearly intelligent and hard working; he will land well. And, I suspect, he will thank you later for avoiding a boatload of loans. All the best to you.</p>

20

<p>mihcal - cheesecake it is likely to be! You made me laugh. Thank you. </p>

<p>Re the waitlist - Very uncertain here. I don’t want him to close the door on a top choice school but I dont want him to prolong the agony either. The waitlist school is Lehigh. According to their letter the waitlist "“is not ranked nor is it in priority order” What does THAT mean???</p>