When we are “guests” for family/close friends meal, I always offer to help and to bring something.
Our kids/SOs are all over 25.
When they come to our house, I feel like they should be helping in some way, especially if they are spending the night/multiple days.
If the “kids” are going elsewhere at this age, I also feel like they should be offering to bring something, help set up, clean up, whatever. They are old enough that they don’t get a “free ride.”
It took a little time and if a holiday is at “my” house, I still do the bulk of it, but my 3 kids have got to the point that if they are going to be there (2 of 3 live out of town) they offer to contribute something. 2 of 3 love to cook/bake and happily offer up a dish or appetizer. To be son-in-law and D1 also often bring wine. Son and his wife don’t love or feel adequate to cook but son now is chief cocktail/mocktail maker bringing the goods to make a signature drink each occasion. He also always offers to do “anything” - pick up stuff, get extra card table down - whatever.
I can tell you this…just because it’s the truth… H rarely doesn’t ANYTHING!!! Except whine when I make him move his stuff or do a couple picking up tasks.
From talking with them I am pretty sure whenever they are invited to friends homes they also usually bring something.
I think one thing that’s key is to realize the not everyone is comfortable with bringing a food dish THEY made so it’s ok to use that person for other tasks - have them bring ice cream or wine or paper products or pick up the flowers or whatever still helps with the day.
My parents live 100 miles away and we all go to their house for Thanksgiving. My nephew from Idaho and my niece and her son from Oklahoma will come this year so there will be 21 of us. Up until a few years ago my mom still insisted on doing everything for the day. My oldest niece and I finally put our foot down and said we would all start bringing things for the holiday. My mom loves to bake the pies so she still does that along with rolls and potatoes. My youngest brother cooks 2 turkeys at my parent’s house (one in the oven and one on the grill). The rest of us bring all of the sides, beer, wine, appetizers and additional desserts. It has worked out wonderfully for all us.
Since D1 is engaged and her fiance’s family is on the east coast this Christmas is the year they will go back there. We don’t usually go to my parent’s house for Christmas Day, although we do get together with them over the Christmas holidays. So this year it is just H, D2 and myself for Christmas. The 3 of us decided last night to make a reservation at a very nice restaurant here in town at 2pm for our Christmas lunch. We are all excited to dress up and Uber there and enjoy someone else taking care of us! I will make a prime rib for New Year’s since it is a family favorite and have everyone over since D1 and her fiance will be back home.
@abasket I agree that not everyone is comfortable cooking or baking something to bring. D2 is like that, but she will always bring wine, beer or flowers and is always the first one to jump up and help with the clean up after the meal.
I was a SAHM since #1 was born. The kids were super busy, so I basically did everything (there are some who’ve never emptied a dishwasher. Unfortunately I’m paying now, although only 1 lives here full time (as I’m looking at his jacket on the chair and dhoes near the shoe basket, I just made him remove empty glasses and cans from the basement). I recently started catering thanksgiving. My daughters are always good for making (with my ingredients) a nice charcuterie board, and I know they always bring something elsewhere as guests. My son does say “thanks for dinner” every night before he runs from the kitchen. No one in this house has ever cleaned a bathroom here, I cut off laundry a few months ago except for H, surprising those who come home sporadically.
In our two-person household, I do all the cooking (and food planning) and my husband does all the kitchen cleaning. We prefer to keep it this way at other people’s houses for the holidays, but one of my sisters is always upset about it. I think my husband cleaning up is a contribution from my household, and he doesn’t mind at all, but she wants ME to clean up my share rather than him taking care of both of us. (And then, of course, she has criticized my cleaning technique.) This is part of the reason we’re spending Thanksgiving at a different gathering from that sister. We don’t fight about anything but this.
Our oldest D took over the Tgiving meal. She does this so we can have both sides of the family together. She takes care of the Turkey and mashed potatoes and the other people bring the sides. It’s worked out well for the last 4 years. Christmas we switch. If they come to our house for Christmas they go to his parents for New Years and visa versa. It works well now. D2 has been dating a young man for over a year. If they decide to take the plunge then all bets are off! I think we could do the Christmas swap still but Thanksgiving will be interesting.
I do not like to cook and don’t enjoy traditional holiday meals, so I’m certainly not going to slave away my holidays in the kitchen. I’d much prefer a frozen pizza and chips in front of the TV watching football/basketball. If we go elsewhere, I’m definitely the paper products, drinks, etc person. You don’t want me to make something. Trust me.
So my kids have grown up with low key holiday food in our house. That being said, lately we have been ordering a deep fried Turkey, dressing and gravy for thanksgiving. I’ll make mash potatoes and some desserts - a frozen pie or two. So I definitely don’t expect my kids to ever help with that. If they wanted to bring or make something, sure!
Cleanup is therefore never difficult. And always everyone in our house puts their stuff in the dishwasher after every meal, so no biggie.
Other kind of cleaning, I used to have the kids help with something each week. It would rotate and I’d do the majority of it, but they still would dust something or scrub a sink/toilet. I would not ask them to help with that now because I’m used to doing it all myself. But if I felt I needed help for something, I would ask and they’d do it. Especially schlepping stuff to and from the attic. They’re 6-3 now and lift weights. They can help poor old mom carry things.
My kids are adults with spouses. I host Thanksgiving. One couple enjoys coming early in the day to help with the cooking. The other couple typically bring wine and they stay afterward to do the clean up.
For the past couple of Thanksgivings, my disposal has broken during the day filling the sink with dirty water, compromising the cooking and cleaning. Fingers crossed for this year.
I’m the cook in our household and I don’t like sharing my kitchen. That said, my D is exempt from that and has been a big help since she was in HS. She’s never gotten a “free ride”. She’ll do all the desserts this year and everyone pitches in to help clean up.
My H also is the worst at helping. He’s now officially assigned being the bartender and cleaning all the wine glasses that can’t go into the dishwasher otherwise he’d do nothing.
D got married in 2018 and has been hosting holiday dinners since then. I roast the turkey and bring it (with stuffing) & a homemade pie for Thanksgiving & bring ham & pierogis for Christmas. I usually clean up - my choice, because I honestly don’t mind cleaning & prefer to do it alone (I have my system).
On a daily basis, H takes care of outside stuff & home maintenance. I take care of cooking, cleaning & laundry. When I worked, H shared a lot of the household duties - now that I have time, I don’t mind doing them. When I am sick or when something is going on in my life, H will pitch in without being asked.
When the kids were at home, they had to help out with things when I asked, and they had to clean their rooms and their bathroom. I probably should have had them do more, but they turned out okay, anyway … both are very good housekeepers (especially my S - D has a cleaning lady every other week, but S doesn’t have any help).
I’m thankful for a very helpful H. I sort of run the show in terms of planning, grocery buying and cooking for holidays and general entertaining but he wants a list of what I want done- he’s a great worker and knows I’m particular about things.
My kids are pretty helpful, offer to bring things and host things for their friends so they get it. They know it’s a lot of work. We seem to host most things for H’s family- they are lovely but I just wish one of them would offer to host something. They are also not the best at bringing stuff or cleaning up🤷♀️
Generally, I do nearly all the cooking and shopping. Spouse does occasional shopping and does most of the cleaning. But, this is NOT true for holiday meals.
Over the years, spouse has learned to make all the holiday dishes and could do the entire menu(s) independently if necessary. I love to cook and can do big productions quite well. But it is SO nice to have someone who can also do it. I highly recommend this method as it leads to stress-free and relaxing holidays. We don’t travel for Thanksgiving or Christmas so we have the full meals at our house every year (sometimes with guests). It helps that we have a second kitchen in our basement.
We can both make all the dinner items. I like to make elaborate desserts that my spouse would never make. But they make some of the easier ones each year.
Maybe this is a good year to start making the college freshman learn to make some items as well.
IF Thanksgiving is at my house:
– I do the shopping, cooking, cleaning at the house.
–H buys the wine, serves drinks, and usually does the plates after dinner.
–Since they started working and moved out of the house, my kids always offer to help out. We arrange what they will do in advance – often they handle dessert. They also help with clean-up.
–When other family comes (ex. our siblings and their families), they may or may not offer to bring anything – either way is fine. They rarely help out with serving/clean-up. My biggest pet peeve is that I don’t like to get unexpected/unplanned for food/beverages that guests then expect me to serve.
My D and SIL have hosted Thanksgiving and for that I typically make two side dishes that they especially enjoy. For other events they have hosted I usually bring something. In most cases, my H brings some wine (H enjoys his wine LOL).
I will say that spouse learned to make the holiday dishes mostly out of necessity. I refuse to cook for another person’s work/social functions. So when they want something for work, I’m happy to teach it. Over many years this has resulted in full holiday menu capability and then some. Same with our kids though their menu is mostly desserts so far.
My husband is great at the cleaning up part. He does it at home all the time and will pitch in at Thanksgiving at the relatives too. He’s always done this as long as I’ve known him.
My kids are 22 and 19. I usually do most of the cooking, but the 22 year old likes to cook too and will make a vegan dessert or side dish or main for special occasions like Thanksgiving. The 19 year is not big on cooking, but does enjoy the eating. For many years we made Martha Stewart’s macaroni & cheese which has a sinful amount of cheese. Since they were kids they would help with that by grating the cheese, stirring the béchamel, etc. They are not great at cleaning, but their dad does that.
Well…on regular days, DH has taken up doing all the cooking. For holidays, we typically go to friends. They make the main course, and the rest of us bring everything else. Tradition for about 33 years.
I do all the shopping and prep the house, but I do not cook. Hubby does all the cooking, all from scratch, a dizzying array of amazing dishes. He gets all the praise. I’m the scullery maid at the sink.
This is the price I pay and I’m (usually) fine with it.
That said, I am always really really put out by the complete lack of help I get from the relatives who visit. There are usually a dozen+ people at our table, except during Covid times. I and my two kids are the only ones who clean up after the meal.
I’m so grateful that when we had holiday dinners with my parents & brothers, there was plenty of help with cleanup. It was that way with my mom’s family, back when our holiday dinners were with them. Now we have an appetizer/dessert potluck with my brothers & extended family between Christmas and New Year’s. Everyone brings something, and the last few people there always help with what little cleanup is required.