28F, only thing I know for certain is I have anxiety & my self esteem could be better. But, nothing too terrible that makes me incapable of finding a LTR. I’ve been on and off dating apps for years, I don’t get how they don’t work for me as it’s known women have it easier & people tell me I’m attractive (not just family/friends). I have to use the apps bc I never get approached in person, I get the matches but in the end it just doesn’t work out. The last time I saw someone I was 23 & that only lasted for a few months. It felt like settling & I’ve become even pickier now. It’s like I wonder if I’m ready to date but ffs I’m almost 30 that’s odd if I’m not. I met up with someone for the first time in almost 2 years last week & I didn’t even stay for the whole time, I left after maybe 15 min bc I wasn’t feeling it (even though chatting went well on the app), I had a long day, wanted to leave before the drinks arrived since I didn’t want him to get charged & most of all I was worried he was gay (by his voice). I usually video chat before but moving fwd that’s non-negotiable. Oddly enough I still don’t think it’s my fault for being single this long, yes I’ve tried counseling/medication & it was a bust. Can an almost 30 yr old woman date while being anxious, insecure, & reserved.
With all warmth and friendship, I will say that you need to go back to counseling. Not all counselors are good at their jobs, and you might have gotten unlucky. Your anxiety sounds severe enough that you are not going to be able to make it “go away” by yourself–and certainly it is not a matter of just meeting the right person. Ask your doctor how to find an experienced counselor.
OP- hugs. I have friends, cousins, other loved ones who had a miserable time in their 20’s who found true love (not kidding- their “one and only”) in their 30’s. So no, you are not atypical.
However- leaving a date after 15 minutes and deciding that someone is gay from his voice is a red flag that you’ve got some stuff to work on. So take note of the red flag and agree with Snowball- ask your doctor for a referral.
Videochatting before a date is a practice which almost dooms you to failure during an actual date. What can you learn on a videochat that’s at all helpful? Have a 15 minute phone call to ascertain that you guys will have something to talk about, and then agree to meet for coffee. How valuable is your time that you can’t afford 45 minutes- in a public place- for coffee?
Get treatment for your anxiety and you’ll feel better about the whole thing. If I’d bailed on my now spouse after 15 minutes we wouldn’t have 40+ happy years, kids, grandchildren and tons of adventures.
This is a great example of you limiting yourself. David Beckham is straight but some would say he has an effeminate voice. Who knows what opportunity you missed due to a probably wrong preconceived idea. I mean really, why would a gay man meet you for a date, a presumably straight woman?
I agree with others that counseling might be beneficial. There are many counselors, so find one you feel can make a difference.
So sorry for what you are going through right now. My daughters friends (many of them) are going through similar situations all in their mid to late 20’s. Accomplished, employed but having a hard time connecting. I really think the social media age you all grew up in stunted the relationship development ability, combined with a pandemic; and you have a generation of people use to doing things on their own or remotely.
I might suggest finding an activity such as a church with a young professional group, or a running/biking/climbing club or something along those lines in your area. As others have said a different counselor might be in order as well. Hugs.
Agree with the above but what are you doing to meet people besides apps? As suggested do activities that you enjoy and hopefully Mr Right is doing the same thing and you connect. In my area many volunteer to something meaningful, play sand volley ball or whatever. At least if you meet doing something you enjoy you know that person has the same interests. That’s a good start.
Therapy didn’t work so you stopped. You met someone but didn’t give them a chance do you left early. That is a pattern.
Also physical beauty means little as you get older but internal beauty never gets old. If you don’t like /love yourself it comes across to others. That is what counseling can help with. Biofeedback can work better then meds…
My niece finally met someone at 32 and most of her friends were married much younger. She was picky to a fault. Very attractive. She finally married last year… Dated a ton. Sometimes when you just stop looking your partner is right in front of you if you give yourself the chance to see him.
I have two different friends from college who were unattached until their late 30s and are both joyfully married now. I don’t know if it makes you feel better, but many of our college friends who married younger are now divorced.
There is no magic time to find the right person. I do think it is important to build a life for yourself that has a rich community — get out there pursuing your own interests, faith life, hobbies in settings that include other people. Don’t do it to find a date; do it to make yourself happy and fulfilled.
Best case scenario is you might stumble across your perfect match doing these things. Worst case scenario is it will make for more interesting conversation with your future dating app dates.
BTW, the thing about the guy’s voice bothers me. I get that chemistry is real and that maybe the voice was a turn off. So did you leave because you really thought he might be gay, or did you leave because there was no chemistry? Regardless, giving the date 15 minutes is not cool, barring something creepy or scary. At the very least, you could have had a decent conversation, learned something new about someone, and chalked it up to an experience.
I went on a few blind dates back in the day. Nearly all of them were busts. But there was one guy I had a great time with. There was absolutely no chemistry, but he was interesting to talk to. I’d like to think he enjoyed it also, even though we never saw each other again.
I sense you give up easily because you have some unrealistic expectations about something magical that’s supposed to happen when you date someone. Being pickier as you get older isn’t going to help. Have reasonable expectations. My own kid dates regularly. Sometimes she knows it’s a one off, but sometimes she thinks that the person is worth meeting again, even if she feels no spark.
My D uses dating apps, but she doesn’t really like them. She feels that everyone is condensed into an item for sale. She knows that you don’t get a true idea of someone from a dating app and that’s why she is willing to go on second or third dates if she feels the person was interesting in some way, even without chemistry.
Maybe dating apps aren’t right for you. I agree with others. Volunteer, join some kind of group, join a gym. Book a singles vacation. My D did that, had a great time. She wasn’t going with the intention of finding a partner, but rather, likeminded people. She had a blast and met a couple of cool people who are now friends.
OP: Based on your posts in this thread, it seems as though you are not comfortable with yourself and, therefore, experience difficulty accepting others. You have to love–or, at least, like yourself–before you can accept and love another.
If you are engaged in counseling/therapy, consider asking your therapist or counselor to help you to understand how to like, then love, yourself. Might be through an activity that promotes self-esteem/self-worth; some such activities are exercise and volunteering to help others in need including animals.
Not unusual to be age 28 and single; not unusual to use dating apps, but it is not healthy to reject others based on superficial impressions.
OP: What is your definition of maturity ?
Not just individual counseling, but probably group therapy would be useful, since it might help you with social anxiety, and you can get the feedback of the facilitator.
Try getting involved in volunteering or some other group activity with other young people. Look on meetup in your area. Outdoor stuff, charity work, community theater (even if you don’t act, you can do tech support, whatever), anything where you are out with other young people doing fun stuff in person. It will give you more confidence, and you might meet someone that way.
I have definitely seen this also in many cases.
For context I have been happily married for more than 30 years. I do not know whether this makes me unqualified to comment or very well qualified to comment. I was however well into my 30’s before I met my wife, so I did way back have plenty of experience with being a single guy in his 20’s and 30’s.
People certainly do sometimes meet the right person and in some cases get married when in their 30’s, or even 40’s (or even 50’s and 60’s). I have seen this multiple times.
Perhaps my first thought is that you should think of us guys as just people. Do not assume that it is any easier for a guy to approach you or to ask you out than it would be for you to approach him or to ask him out. If it is rare for a guy to ask you out, that might be for reasons that are similar to why you have not been asking him out. One difference is that in at least many cases guys might have more experience with being told “no”. Regardless, many men will not be comfortable with approaching women, and by the time that they are in their late 20’s or early 30’s might not want to do it any more.
If there is a guy that you like and who might be single, you might want to just ask him out. Alternately, if his name is Bob, then just looking at him and saying “Hi Bob” might be a big step in the right direction.
If there isn’t a guy that you like and who might be single, then perhaps you need to get out in public more. See what activities or classes are available at a local community center. Consider joining the Appalachian Mountain Club or something similar. See if there are local dance lessons for singles. A handsome single Harvard educated lawyer is not going to show up at your front door asking to borrow a cup of sugar. You need to go where the single guys are (and probably not the ones who hang out in bars).
Continuing with counseling seems like a good idea. Sometimes a different counselor is needed if the first one does not work out.
Regarding the high or effeminate voice that makes it seem like a guy might be gay. I can remember two cases from my past of friends or acquaintances who I wondered about. One I later got to know reasonably well. He was definitely not gay, very smart, very kind, and quite successful in his career. He would have been a great catch for the right woman. There was one other guy who I wondered when I first met him, but a couple of weeks later I met his wife (who was, like the guy, a great person – she was also very attractive). A voice really does not indicate anything.
Definitely yes. However, do not expect an aggressive man to sweep your off your feet, and do not expect a guy to be perfect. None of us are perfect. It is just as hard for a man to meet a woman as it is for a woman to meet a man.
And I do not think that any of this has gotten any easier over the 30+ years since I met my wife.
Exactly.
As a speech path, I know that some male patients are born with short vocal cords, so their vocal pitch can be considered effeminate. You can’t generate new vocal cords in a pinch. Some patients do the therapy, and some live with it. It sounds like you missed out on someone wonderful who is comfortable within his own skin.
Now, I’ve always known, from an early age, that I was not considered the “typical” attractive female. No, I’m not down on myself, I just know that in the real world, and in the past, some people (not my true friends) often considered me as “nice”, but not as someone “date-able”.
Surprise! I dated a lot in high school/college and my boyfriends were attractive, and any new friends (introduced to “the boyfriend”), would often say, “WOW! “Your boyfriend is extremely good-looking!”
Then I would wait for the offensive remark:
“No offense” but how did you end up with him?”
And I would say, “I guess they like how I treat them?”
My husband finally explained it to me: He said that “You put everyone at ease when you first meet them. I love your exuberance for life.
That’s why I wanted to get to know you more and wanted eventually to marry you”.
It has nothing to do with looks. It has everything to do with learning about the person and how much they laugh and live their lives.
If you are not ready to make others or yourself comfortable in an awkward situation, by listening and carrying on a good conversation (about anything), then you are not ready to be in a long term relationship.
Topics I covered on dates of decades ago:
-coffee (and how my relatives prepared it, when the smell brings a good memory, etc.)
-living without the invention of cars and getting to places
-pizza and how I thought it was one of the basic 4 food groups
-living in the “wild west” and how amazing the people who lived before us, survived dust, dirt, farm life, clothing, etc.
There is no way I could have only had 15 minutes of conversation, unless the person reeked of Marlborough’s, and then, I was politely out of there.
You’re giving up on people who made TIME for you.
Find a good counselor/great counselor with a “direct” personality. Don’t stop going. You need consistency.
Video chatting gives an idea of what the vibe will be like in person + it prevents from getting catfished
Your comparison isn’t that black and white. I actually gave the counselors more time to be able to establish rapport & with the guy I met two weeks ago, we spoke on the app for 2 weeks before meeting in person. There was a bit more time invested before I called it quits.
I left for all the reasons you gave, we spoke on the app for 2 weeks & I was sidetracked when the aura was so different in person. I was polite when I left, it’s a stranger from a dating app hence I don’t own him anything. I could’ve used him for a free meal like a lot of women but I didn’t
Cool. But I think you need to reread what many are saying here. There are many talented people on here giving you advice. Lots of the advice is similar.
The only way things will change is if you let them change.
I wish the best for you.
You have a choice- continue doing what you are doing.
Or doing something different. Your call.
If you meet someone at a swing dancing class, or sorting coats for the homeless, or planning the annual fundraiser for the animal shelter, or taking a water- color painting class, the risk of being “catfished” or not liking someone’s aura is greatly reduced.
You seem very defensive when responding to well meaning advice. If the video chatting were so successful at predicting what the vibe will be like in person, you wouldn’t be sad and frustrated, would you? People are very different on Zoom than they are in person. My husband is loud and aggressive on Zoom. He is sweet and self-effacing in person. Fortunately, I didn’t see him on video until we’d been married for 35 years or so.
Maybe take a break from online dating for a bit? One of my kids met their “one and only” while on a dating break. Sometimes the brain needs a reset…and you meet someone when you are NOT looking for a match. Less pressure. Someone asks you for coffee after you leave a class or lecture or planning meeting and it’s not a “date”, it’s just a cup of coffee… lowers the expectations…
As with the other thread, this is out of the wheel house for the CC community. Hopefully the OP will take the advice to talk to a professional IRL.