Right now I am a second semester freshman, and I’m really frustrated since I find it so difficult to make new friends. I’m doing my best to reach out to people by joining clubs, saying hi to new people, but as an introvert, I’ve never been the best at this type of behavior. I’ve made some friends in clubs, but they don’t seem to have any interest in building any friendship beyond just friends for the club only. I’ve noticed that while people are friendly overall, they rarely seem to reciprocate the effort that I give in becoming friends. Notably, when I strike up a conversation via messaging, I feel like I’m ALWAYS - 100% of the time - the one initating the conversation, and if I don’t, no interactions occur. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like if I start another conversation again, it’ll make me look extremely desperate for seeking a conversation. I just don’t get it. Why are people not as open and friendly and putting in as much effort as me to make new friends? Am I approaching this the wrong way? Or do I got a skewed idea of what college friends are like? Is it normal to have a bunch of acquantances for work and not have any close friends?
It is hard to say what the real issue is. Have you had any luck with people in your dorm? Stuff like card games or video games can be a way to hang out with others. Do you have a part time campus job? What about study groups for your classes? All are ways to meet more people. Things where you have to spend a lot of time (like organizing some event for a club, or a regular volunteer gig) may lead to deeper connections over time.
It might have to do with how you converse. One of my kids had no knack for small talk. She watched a lot of YouTube videos to try to see how people do it successfully. She still isn’t great at it, but is a lot better than she used to be.
For most (but obvs not all) students, college is the first time since they were tiny that they are making friends from a zero base- just as there are fewer ‘forced’ interactions. If you are naturally less outgoing it feels even harder. The first thing to remember is that it takes a time for acquaintances to become friends- and as you get older it takes longer. You are likely to go through a similar process when you leave college (which will in hindsight seem easy- you heard it here first!), so use this time to build those skills.
The short and the long of it is that working on things that are interesting to you with other people who are interested in similar things is the single easiest way to build up the time together that gives the opportunity for real friendship. That’s why people say to join clubs, though clubs are not the only place to do that.
Here’s an example of how developing friendships can play out for introverted types: the tribes- note the ‘s’- that one of my collegekids found developed slowly, not really starting until 2nd semester first year when she asked a couple people from a class that she liked, but was academically challenging, if they would like to study for an upcoming test together. The other 2 people happened to live on the same floor (it was a wellness? quiet? something like that floor). They had the study group meetings in a work area on that floor and in passing discovered they all shared an interest in board games. One of them brought a board game and a couple of other people on the hall, passing by, were interested. By senior year 6 of the people from that initial small random thing were sharing an apartment. In the meantime, as the same collegekid got into her major, she got to know the other majors. There was a ‘majors’ lounge in the main building for that subject, and over time she and cohort of other students helped each other through the intense parts of the academic work, went to subject-area talks and conferences together, and shared the applying for grad schools/jobs journey. By senior year there were even a couple of people who had crossed over into joining the other tribe (aka friend group). In both cases, some relationships will stay situational (that is, they are likely to lose touch now that they have graduated), and others have developed into the kind of friendship that goes on for decades.
That was the long way around of trying to show how college friendships can evolve- some serendipity, some reaching out, and mostly a lot of time doing something all sides want to do (that includes studying- not necessarily b/c the studying itself is ‘fun’ but b/c it is a way to a larger goal- expertise in a subject, marks for grad school, etc.).
Possibly skewed expectations. Real and close friendships take time to develop. They start off as acquaintances that you have small interactions with (neighbor, or dining buddy, study buddy, coworker, club acquaintance etc.) Then once you find someone in one of those avenues that you click with, you start to do more together outside of the usual activity, and the friendship develops. That doesn’t happen overnight. It can take some trial and error (and time) finding “your” people.
My take is that you feel like the only one putting in the effort, as YOU are the one anxious about finding friends. The people you are reaching out to, may not be as focused on that as you. Or, they may be even more nervous to reach out to people and are waiting for people to come and ask them to do things together. So, try not to stress over it. You seem to be doing everything right. You will find some true friends soon enough.
Yeah, more than anything, it takes time. It’s hard to pinpoint it to just one thing.
People could be more shy and unsure than you are, hence why you always feel like the one who attempts to initiate things.
Another thing is, people form prejudices about people just by observing them and their behavior. This isn’t always a good thing, but it’s reality. I know I do it. There are types of people, just by observing their speech, behavior, etc. that I know I have no interest in getting to know them more. There could be any reason for this, but if I can tell that their personality and interests don’t align with mine, I don’t need them as a “friend.”
Keep doing the things YOU want to do. In college, your academics and career goals come first. Make yourself comfortable and do the things you enjoy doing. You will find other people, in time, whose interests and goals are similar to yours, and these people can become your true friends. You don’t need to have a lot. Other people who you meet through clubs and events but who may not be that similar to you…these can just be acquaintances.
After a little while of knowing who some people are, try friending them/following them on social media. It’s a good way to send that signal of “Hey, we know each other” and a way to stay in contact.
How about a job at a coffee stand or food place on campus where you’d see the same people almost every day? At your dorm desk?
Look for a club (or just a group) that does something social - games, cards, habitat for humanity build where you’d all go out for coffee after.