<p>Your essay is not good. Relative to your goal of getting admitted to Chicago, your essay is bad. The problem is your failure to show your enthusiasm for the school in your essay while sharing insights about yourself. Additionally, your writing skills are poor; your choice of words is awkward, thereby suggesting insincerity. Had you visited the University of Chicago prior to applying, your application essay would have been much different. It is as if you wrote a piece for a travel brochure about a place that you have never visited. Education & research is enhanced by personal experience with its trials & tribulations. Qualities of genuineness & maturity born of life's experiences--both good & bad--can make an essay memorable, convincing & warm. In short, your essay lacked passion.</p>
<p>CW's comments on your essay are a bit harsh but are well-taken. I agree with CW that your essay told UChicago about UChicago but not much at all about yourself. Reading your essay, Chicago now knows that you know how to research and regurgitate its qualities. If I were the admissions officer reading your essay (or at least that part you shared, I understand it was a snippet) I might not have finished it. It wasn't particularly interesting and your prose comes across as self-conscious in conveying your command of vocabulary. In short, your essay makes you sound pompous. This is not to say you ARE pompous. If you are, you conveyed it well. If you are not, I think you would have been better served by an essay that conveyed your flaws.</p>
<p>And you thought that my critique was a bit harsh...</p>
<p>JHS: Very interesting. I suspect this is true as well for our local public that S2 attends. If I have time, I will check and see if this trend exits there as well.</p>
<p>A 3.4 (for Chicago)? That along with your essay was your downfall.</p>
<p>Id say it was your essay. From what I know of U of C, they want an essay that tells them about you. This takes a lot of effort, because we do most of our school work in the impersonal style, so letting your personality shine through is a challenge not many people face until its time to write the college essay. They really counted essays for a lot my GPA has always danced the line of 3.5, but my essay was very me, and I got accepted. Im not qualified to say if it was well written, but I do know it really showed my personality and what type of person I am.
Take the excerpt you posted. Its
completely impersonal. I have no idea who you are from reading it. And honestly, while we all love big words, they dont feel natural at all. Your writing style really feels like you wrote your essay out and then took out a thesaurus and went to town. Use more complicated vocabulary as youd use it in real life causally, not intentionally.
There were lots of opportunities to make yourself apparent in your essay. For example, why does the slogan where fun goes to die bolster your reserve? Why do you like economics?</p>
<p>I have thirty free minutes with nothing to do. Here, Ill try to rewrite your first paragraph to give you an example of what Im talking about.</p>
<p>People thrive on challenge. Some people like to skydive, some people like to swallow habañeros, and some people like to run with the bulls of Pamplona. As for me, I prefer the challenge of a rigorous curriculum. While it may not be as exciting as tearing down the streets of Pamplona with an angry cow hot on my heels, I find the education that the University of Chicago promises to provide me rewarding enough for my own purposes. The slogan where fun goes to die only strengthens my resolve I imagine it akin to the obligatory speared-through skeleton with the GO BACK sign that Indiana Jones encounters every time he enters a temple filled with unimaginable treasures. Let that deter me? I think not. Not while theres treasure to hunt.
Ill admit I havent chosen a major. Im young, Im new, and Im less than confident on what Im going to do with the rest of my life. However, Economics keep on finding their way into my classes and schoolwork, and have evolved into a real passion of mine. Ive always loved observing the workings of the world through the trappings of science, and what better way to do it than with the guidance and teachings of some of the best Economic teachers to college system has to offer?</p>
<p>Im not going to say my example is a particularly well-done sample of personal essay writing, because its kind of on the fly and I know jack-**** about economics, but you can tell that it was written by a person. Im not saying use the style of writing as an example, because if it shows any personality it shows my personality, and Im not you. But still, try to put yourself into your writing. When I write my essays I like to read them and ask myself would I talk like this when I talk to my friends? Its a good start.</p>
<p>Optional - wrote on how dihydrogen monoxide (h2o) is my chemical of choice for world domination (I found it rather humerous)</p>
<p>Ladies and Gentleman we have our winner!</p>
<p>I'd also say that the GPA could hurt, I'm an international requesting large amount of aid, so I have an excuse there. But my GPA isn't perfect and is dropped by extracurriculars too. Only that I took as many extracurriculars as possible.</p>
<p>I would suggest that the OP work on his essays for other apps.</p>
<p>I too may sound harsh, but this essay excerpt reads as if someone wrote it with a thesaurus, going through it to use a big word when a smaller one would be better. Moreover, in some cases the word is used in a "not quite right" sense. A university can't really have a "penchant" for something, for example. Nor would taking a course in econ really "augment" someone's love for it. The meaning in both cases is off just a bit, at least IMO. </p>
<p>There are several spelling and grammar errors--it is not the Noble prize, for example. It's the NobEL prize. The OP used important instead of importance and dropped a word (or two) in the statement about producing more Nobel prize winners than ANY other academic institution. Moreover, last time I checked--which was a long time ago--most of U of Cs Nobel prize winners in econ did not teach undergraduate courses. If that's still the case, then the sentence about wanting to attend U of C to study with them probably hurt the OP. </p>
<p>IMO, the essay hurt the OP a lot.</p>
<p>PS. I agree with the comments in post #26 as well.</p>
<p>yes, definitely it was the essay that got you rejected.
first: too common, non articulated, does not tell anything new about you. this one looks like the answer to: why you and chicago? did you have another optional essay? did you answer short answer 1 and optional short answer 2? they say about some questions they are optional, but definitely they considered the answers.
I got in with 4 essays, all optional questions and paragraphs answered. they say in the letter about the "words" that count when making a decision. think about that.</p>
<p>Just a note on the essay, for future college applications: this is still supposed to be a professional essay. Just because UChicago expects a more "personal" essay from you does not mean you are to be lax in your writing.</p>
<p>Just one thing, don't abbreviate or use contractions (in your essay, you used U of C instead of University of Chicago). It makes you seem lazy, and the essay, impersonal.</p>
<p>What other schools are you applying to?</p>
<p>Maybe its because you used the word (nonword?) "firstly"? ;)</p>
<p>Firstly is indeed a word.</p>
<p>Thanks, phuriku. It just sounds really clunky. Why not just say "first"?</p>
<p>I agree with ColdWind it was the essay that probably did you in (especially because Chicago places so much importance on the essay). There is a time for scholarly writing, and a time for less formal writing filled with voice and, hopefully, passion. Your "Why Chicago" essay would have been one of the latter.</p>
<p>RobDV, I strongly disagree. Specifically avoiding abbreviations and contractions is far more likely to make your essay less personal, and in a world full of insanely qualified applicants, you need something vaguely distinct that might show an adcom that you're human (or alien, or elven, or an android, or what-have-you). Using slightly less formal language, as long as ya ain't gittin ovaboard an' givin' a sweet-nasty holla to your Chicag homies*, gives you a way to really bring your own voice to your essays. I have contractions in all my essays, and I abbreviated things (including the school's name) and none of that seems to have hurt me much. If anything, I'd say it has helped my essays.</p>
<p>To the OP, definitely have others read over your essays before you send them out to other schools. The crit others have given you is sound, and it would've helped you a lot to have heard that sort of feedback a couple months ago. Good luck in the upcoming months!</p>
<p>*If/when I meet any of you, we should probably pretend that never happened. Okay? Great.</p>
<p>elenduiel, your gangstah talk is cracking me up over here. :D</p>
<p>I fully agree that using a few contractions/shorthands is a good way to remind the adcom that you're human...in my "WHy UChicago?" essay, I called the university a few different things, from just Chicago to the University of Chicago, for a little variety but also for some humanity. As long as it isn't glaringly obvious that you're being a bit lax with wording, it should be fine.</p>
<p>I'm going to concur with the contractions bit-- I love contractions. Also, the gangsta talk is awesome. Yo. Yeah, okay, I fail at that. :P</p>
<p>Maybe try reading your essay out loud before you submit it-- see if it sounds at all natural in your voice. It can be a more formal and more "literary" than your speaking voice, but it should still feel authentic, know what I mean?</p>
<p>hmm....interesting...it could be my supplementary essay that kept me out of uchicago...but then, it's too late to change anything....but eh, I GOT INTO MIT anyway!</p>
<p>@ OP</p>
<p>I think they just dont like canadian students anymore as much... I mean is it my fault that i was forced to study in Canada... maybe that's why lol... eh... If it was any concern, i didnt get in either, Im a canadian dual citizen with US (born in cali) and yah... had perfect GPA, and still went haywire somewhere lol... ur SAT 1 is good... i wonder where the **** we went wrong lol</p>
<p>As everyone else said, the essay really needs to be worked on.. A lot...</p>