<p>No offense, dude. but this needs completely redone. It shows absolutely nothing about your personality, is a pain to read, and does not show a competency with the English language. However, I may be judging it on too high of a standard. What kind of school do you plan to apply to with this?</p>
<p>My advice: forget the unnecessary and frilly **** sentence structure. Cut redundancy. And accept criticism a little better (just because we can tell what something means doesn’t mean it doesn’t sound awful). And, using a thesaurus is only appropriate when you can do it naturally…If we can tell that you are using synonyms awkwardly, so will the adcoms. </p>
<p>Most importantly, change the essay to show the YOU not your friend.</p>
<p>Next time don’t post your essay on here. If it were any good, someone might take it and apply to a different school.</p>