<p>It has become necessary for S1 to withdraw from college. In the past 24 harrowing hours, we discovered that last year's crisis (he became overwhelmed, depressed, and failed classes while pretending to be going) which was followed by excellent work in summer session, was not over. He is again failing a class he should be doing better in, clearly not understanding what is going wrong (he truly thought he was doing okay, even while I'm showing him how the class site lists things). Moreover, his anxiety about one class is so extreme that he has stopped going, and instead throws up in the adjacent bathroom. Even talking about it, I had to phsyically restrain him and he was hyperventilating. He had a tutor. He met with his "advisor" who of course doesn't know him from anyone else but was confident it would all be okay. He had counseling: counselor assured him there was "no need" to test or evaluate, just talk. I trusted the firm, which came recommended by the U. Who was I to second guess aprofessional? I thought. Sure looks like adult ADD or executive function disorder to me....but I was cautioned to not helicopter. I was assured this was all my fault for not letting him manage on his own.</p>
<p>To hear my bright, social, generous, loving-hearted 22 yr old <em>wail</em> that he "is never good at anything" and "why can't I do this" makes me cry even typing it. In any case, right now it seems best to interrupt this "education" and give him some time to be succesfull in other ways. I just needed to tell someone who can't look me in the eye and say with complete hypocrisy "not everyone belongs at college" while thinking "loser. I'm so glad my kid isn't messed up".</p>
<p>Sorry you are going through this greenbutton. I hate the term helicopter parent. Of course we hover when we care or are worried, and as moms, our instincts tend to kick in when we are needed. The only regrets I have are when I ignored my instincts. I would be crying too. </p>
<p>You are not a loser, and your kid is not necessarily “messed up”. Perhaps a break, regrouping, and finding a support system that you feel comfortable with and will help your son learn how to manage his anxiety. Then maybe find an environment where he can go to school with more support would be helpful. Possibly even living at home, and having a coach to help with the process and monitoring so you can be more hands off. Taking one or two community college classes and slowly build up his ability to manage more. Some students finish in 6-8 years as part time instead of full time and manage that stress better. </p>
<p>There is a difference between college not being for everyone, and not every college is for everyone. He may just need a different type of school enviornment to succeed. It sounds like he WANTS to go to college and get a degree. If that is true, I am sure he will continue efforts to find the right situation for him.</p>
<p>greenbutton, I’m so sorry. You and your son are not alone, as the many threads on this issue demonstrate. You’re doing the right thing to get your son help now - don’t let the unkind or clueless things others, even professionals, may say distract you from that. Late adolescence is a very tough time, especially today. It can be hard to find the right kind of professional help, but it’s out there, and it will make a huge difference. Wishing you both all the best.</p>
<p>You are not hovering! You are his mother. I don’t want to diagnose but if he is in the throes of an early mental illness the quicker you identify the disease and begin treatment the better chance for a good outcome. Do all you can. Love him, support him and be his greatest advocate. He seems depressed. If it were my child I would immediately schedule appt. with psychiatrist and counselor. I will send prayers.<3</p>
<p>Best of luck to you and your son. It sounds like he needs something to “build him up” now and take care of himself emotionally - that is most important! The education can come later.</p>
<p>Oh my! I am so sorry for you and your son to feel this way. I must tell you anyone that looks you in the eye saying one thing and thinking another is a big waste of your time, not your friend and you don’t need to have them in your life.</p>
<p>Although we all want our children to be successful it is true some don’t excel in college but can make wonderful lives for themselves and their families.</p>
<p>My dh is a retired NYPD and I am a executive assistant, both without college. We have our second home which we gutted and rebuilt, have one new and old car, go on multiple vacations a year and send our children to private HS and grammer school. Guess what? We didn’t graduate college and are very happy and successful people.</p>
<p>While it is easy for me to say the above, it much be and sounds gut wrenching for you but when you feel down, please remember you are doing the only right thing for your son which is take him out of school and have him work on him, nothing else. How fortunate he is to be able to come home to a loving family that will help him work on himself and prepare him for his future.</p>
<p>I wish the best for your son now and in the future.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry to hear about your son’s situation. This is not your fault or his! He may have an anxiety disorder that is paralyzing him. I’ve seen other kids deal with similar issues, and although it took a while, they did get better and graduate. Best of luck to you and your son.</p>
<p>greenbutton,
I feel for you. The “system” that is supposed to support our kids (adults!) does not always do what it is intended to do. I feel you pain as you have been criticized and blamed, as you have had to sit and watch, and then act as the safety net.
Loving and worrying and entering the zone of the unknown is very scary.
Please take care. I am hoping you do find a bottom and a plan and that there is light and some moments of relief, hope and even joy very soon for you and your son.
You are very strong.</p>
<p>I just wanted to say a helicopter parent is a one who hovers when everything is fine. The word has no meaning when things are falling apart. Plus, the 3 years he has already gotten in are good and valuable. Best of wishes toward his next phase. Much success.</p>
<p>get him help, get him tested, and get him transferred when / if he is ready to return to college! Go to a smaller school with a better understanding of and support for mental health and learning disabilities and the potential for more personalized attention. </p>
<p>Find a therapist who will help him understand the issues that are impeding his functioning – and not see it as a global indictment on himself as a person. Reassure him that he’s not the first college student to have these kind of issues, nor will he be the last.</p>
<p>So true, SDonCC.
It is so easy to get caught up in the superficial and the success/college crap.
This experience can be very tough, yet very illuminating and helpful and strengthening for your son. On the other side, he will be so much more prepared for what life deals him. </p>
<p>OP here – thanks for the kind words, we have always told our kids their value is not measured by their grades. I had a lot of reservations about him attending a huge school, but he sincerely wanted to , and while there was a lot of struggle, there was success as well. But somewhere here, he just got overtopped by everything. I understand now that is fairly typical for undiagnosed ADD or ADHD adults; that a crisis like this brings them to diagnosis. I know that longterm he will prevail, because we are here for him, but in the meantime --today – it’s hard to know how to feel. His dad (my husband) also had a lot of academic trouble in college, where I met him, and yet our son feels like that’s just another indictment : “Dad could do this, why can’t I. I’m a failure at failing” kind of thing. But I haven’t had a lot of sleep or food, a good friend of ours died yesterday unexpectedly, and tomorrow has to be a better day, right? One at a time.</p>
<p>Greenbutton, my heart breaks for you. As the mother of a son who has similar issues, I know the pain and the stomach-churning anxiety we experience whenever our children are hurting. No advice, just hugs and understanding.</p>
<p>As others have suggested, find another therapist. Try again, perhaps with lower workload. He is a senior, so he obviously made it through 3 years of schooling. Maybe not well, but he did it, that is an accomplishment. Classes have probably ramped up quite a bit this year. Maybe he spends the rest of this sememster with a tutor reviewing the class he is doing poorly in and trying again next semester. If it ends up that he can’t handle these classes, even with help, he evaluates all his options and decides on another path/major, etc. This is a setback, it is not the end of the world. </p>
<p>I’m not a therapist but I work with college students and your son sounds like he has severe anxiety issues. He needs to see a good therapist - this problem goes far beyond school issues. (At the moment, school should be the last thing on your mind - he needs to get healthy first.)</p>
<p>As for the helicopter parent thing - as someone said above, a helicopter parent is one who hovers when everything is fine. A parent who hovers (or simply tries to help) when there’s a problem, is a GOOD PARENT. Plain and simple.</p>
<p>Greenbutton, I feel for you. I think the earlier you unearth and remedy the problem the better. As all the above suggestions, you need to fix the psychological disorder before let your son returning to the school. I have heard horror stories that a friend of mine, her daughter withdrawled from Harvard after the first semester has started in her Senior year. Needless to say the total investment in her was lost.</p>