<p>OP back for more of y’all’s good advice — it’s been about a month now. S1 will go for a long testing session in about 10 days; he’s been working as a writer for a local online site (not a blog, it’s a legit news organization). I am beginning to feel, though, torn between holding him accountable and imposing structure AND/OR my alternate feeling that he’s too old to set a schedule for, impose a few house rules (chores) ; will that only magnify his feelings of inadequacy.</p>
<p>I think maybe we should charge him a percentage of his pay (which he has yet to receive – it has entered my mind that maybe he lied about getting a paycheck) as rent, at the very least. This is what my parents did when my sibs lived at home briefly. I resent leaving him lists of things to accomplish, but maybe it’s a ridiculously vain hope to think he’ll do that on his own since he never has. His self-care skills, I see now, are not where you would hope — laundry (he has always done his own; he just chooses, now not to do it at all), eating (irregularly and will not eat rather than cook), socializing (staying home a lot). Obviously depression is a possibility. I lay awake last night turning all this over in my head!!</p>
<p>As far as the list I think what you want to do is teach him to be accoutable to himself. So he should make the list, and then he should show it to you to make sure he hasn’t left off anything important. Then at the end of the day he should be reporting back how he did on his list, maybe how early in the day he got done with it. Then he can carry that skill over to just doing it to keep himself on track and not having to account for himslef to anybody else. That is my 2 cents worth.</p>
<p>I do not remember all of this thread, but I cant remember if he has a psychologist and a life coach he might be working with. If he has a psychologist, maybe it is something to address with them. IF he does not have a coach, maybe that would help both of you? They are really helpful to many ADHD people, especially if they are dealing with depression on top of the ADHD.</p>
<p>I tend to agree with vlines. I understand he will be tested soon, but has the family had a group therapy session yet to discuss what is going on? I think it would be wise to consult a professional as to how to proceed. I don’t see anything wrong with giving him a list prior to getting the results and speaking with a professional. I would not lay too much on him at this time. It’s got to be a difficult adjusting time for him.</p>
<p>I would leave his personal habits alone. If you don’t want to cook or do laundry for him, that’s fine, but then you need to let him dress and eat how he wants. It won’t be your standards, but so be it.</p>
<p>I also think that if you ask him for pay and it turns out he’s not really making money, that it might set him back. I would just let him continue with this activity so that he feels some sense of competency, and wait until you get testing and professional advice. His developmental task right now is to break off from his parents, so the more the controls come from you, the more difficult it will be for him to do that and may lead to more negative behavior. It will only magnify his conflict over dependency and self-reliance, imo.</p>
<p>I understand what sdoncc is trying to say, but the problem I see with letting him be and find his own way is that you are dealing with a mental health/ learning issue. AND, based on your sons behavior, he is not pleased with his own level of functioning right now. If he wants to change and be different, then getting help to make that happen is going to help all of you. I do think that it is easier to have an outside person help with the process, that is why I was wondering if you had looked into a life coach at all.</p>
<p>@MomofKC : that is a good suggestion, thank you…</p>
<p>The difficulty w/ dressing, eating, etc. isn’t that it particularly bothers me what or when he eats – it’s the notion that these behaviors (or lack of managing them) would seem to indicate he’s either depressed or has some unaddressed issue. My husband says all 20-somethings are slobs!! </p>
<p>@SDonCC: I absolutely agree that his job is to become independant, but he has been really unsuccessful at that despite our efforts to enable him. I feel like we went with the “let him try” strategy for years, and it hasn’t worked. </p>
<p>He had a therapist, briefly. I did meet with that therapist initially and that person felt there was just a problem with procrastination, nothing more and nothing serious. Didn’t even want to do any evaluations, as those were “not necessary”. Sigh. When we get these evals done I expect he’ll start therapy with a new person. There are no life coaches physically in town that I can locate. </p>
<p>We have considered family therapy, but are kinda overwhelmed at the moment and quite frankly, the issue of all the time off from work is beginning to raise its ugly head. We do have another son, who is graduating from hs (as a high honor student, no less) and i want to “protect” his senior year from becoming a circus all about his brother. </p>
<p>We would only “charge” him rent once it’s apparent he is being paid. I thought it might make him feel MORE independant? – you know, he’s not just mooching from the couch. My husband’s thought was that the “rent” would go into an account he can’t reach, for his later use.</p>
<p>If you could squeeze in an hour on a Saturday for a family session, it may be very helpful. It may only be one or two a month initially, and then less, as his sessions kick in. Brother would not need to attend, imo.</p>
<p>We had a meeting with the psychologist yesterday, to discuss the results of the neuropsych testing. No significant anxiety or depression issues, and no significant executive function disorder, in this guy’s opinion and he has been doing testing specifically for college age and older adolescents for 20+ years. </p>
<p>Definitely ADD inattentive – so much so that S1 appears to have memory issues but the psychologist said it’s not that he can’t remember things, it’s that he’s so inattentive there’s not much TO remember. His intelligence testing for verbal was above the 90th percentile, not as high for spatial but still well above 50th, and then you get to memory and recall and he’s down in the 40’s. There’s some long test for the inattentive strand and he scored in the 99.9th percentile, which made us all laugh, actually. Psychol. made a point to tell S1 that didn’t mean he was 99% worse than everyone else, it meant the test was 99% sure he had an attention problem. </p>
<p>Has recommended Strattera for classroom times only. Is writing up a report to take to ODS, including finding alternative ways to meet a foreign language requirement and other accomodations. Told him that one of the worst things he could do was multitask "I know it’s what college students do, but you are not equipped, brainwise, to do anything but study when you study. " We’re still digesting all this. I can see S1 was highly relieved that he wasn’t dumb – there was a lot of self-talk about the IQ tests on the way over – but I know this is just a waystation. He is reluctant “to be drugged up” and I’m skeptical about accomodations. We get referred to either our family doctor or their PA for meds; we’re on our own for any behavioral therapy and I still have to make an ODS appointment with/for him.</p>
<p>We knew more than a few adults who started taking medication for ADHD (all inattentive type). And all of them say the same thing…it has dramatically changed their lives. With two of them it did take some readjustments to find the right medication/dosage. BUT even they said…they can see a remarkable difference and wouldn’t dream of not taking this medication. Some started as college students and others as working adults. </p>
<p>Just keep close tabs on the medications and how your son is doing. And keep very close tabs on any side affects.</p>
<p>Glad to hear that you have some answers. My DD is inattentive, and it is hard. Very good to hear, though, that no co-morbids. Finding the right med has been instrumental in my daughter being able to function. It really has been amazing, although the process can be a long one. I would suggest using a psychiatrist for the meds, if possible. We have had much more med success with a psychiatrist than we ever did with a general doctor. Please update, I am very interested in hearing how your son’s college responds. Good luck to you both!</p>
<p>I realize your son doesn’t want meds, my 16 yr old doesn’t either, but the good news is that he now has a diagnosis. You now have a map with the road marked. As another Mom of a high IQ son who is VERY inattentive ADHD, my heart goes out to you. It is not an easy road. </p>
<p>I agree with MidWestmom2013 – changing from the primary care doc to a psych. has been a very big help for us. I’d encourage you to get a family membership to CHADD and look into local support groups as well. </p>
<p>My brother, oh so many years ago, had many issues. Aspie and such were not as well known, but given the literature today, my brother probably has some form. My Mom fought tooth and nail for him. Without her helicopter ways and encouragement my brother would not have gotten a degree. Please keep fighting for your son.</p>
<p>I’ll pick “Didn’t make the appointment, and was going to pretend to have gone” for $200, please.</p>
<p>This is perfectly normal for a person with the kind of issues you say your son has-- been there, done that. I’ve also had far too much experience with the “your son doesn’t need a counselor, he’s perfectly fine” counselor. Now you have to retrench, find some professional help, and prepare to take baby steps toward whatever goal your son has. If he’s already a college senior, he’s in great shape. All he has to do is finish up a few courses, which he can do, if necessary, over a prolonged period of time as he and you figure out what works for him. </p>
<p>He will make progress, probably slowly. There will be backsliding. Others on this board who’ve had kids fail at college will offer shoulders for you to cry on; we know, we’ve been through it already.</p>
<p>I’ve noticed a raft of posts from parents with kids, mostly sons but some daughters as well, struggling or failing at college. It’s refreshing, really. I get so tired of all the parents of Ivy League students, pretending to be upset because their child got an A-. Also very tiresome are the parents who insinuate, or even say outright, that your child’s struggle is due to your inferior parenting, and their own blameless offspring are a result of their superior wonderfulness-- these are the ones who give you some simplistic advice that you thought of and tried six years ago, or that fits like a bra on the Grand Canyon, or that would be as helpful as a bandaid on an axe wound. Feh.</p>
<p>You have gotten bad advice about medication or perhaps are confused.</p>
<p>You cannot take Strattera only as needed. You need to take it 7 days per week and maintain a blood level. </p>
<p>You can take stimulants as needed, in theory, but this is the sort of shotgun approach to this problem that often backfires. Psychologists do not prescribe medication and should only give the suggestion that you speak with a medical doctor about it. </p>
<p>In a patient this age, in particular, who has heaps of self management skills to learn- not only skills for paying attention in class, it is completely inappropriate to use medication ‘as needed’- he will not be able to assimilate skills well if he is not using them 24/7. Using the medication only as needed also sends the wrong message about medication in general… </p>
<p>Find someone who really understands this to work with you, not someone who is expedient. The right person will help your son feel empowered by knowledge rather than feeling bad about himself. IF your son really has a huge discrepancy as has been described on his IQ testing, there are also likely some not-insignificant consequences of this for how he learns and how he functions.</p>
<p>"Psychologists do not prescribe medication and should only give the suggestion that you speak with a medical doctor about it. "</p>
<p>And in my opinion, if someone is going to diagnoses, they should also be able to provide effective treatment. Is the evaluator providing treatment? I have not seen good data showing medication treatment of ADHD in adults is superior to other treatments.</p>
<p>I don’t see how that follows. I went to my regular doctor for a particular diagnosis. She did diagnose the problem, but now she has me seeing an eye doctor and a rheumatologist for treatment and followup. How would I have known to go to a rheumatologist for the initial diagnosis? And I don’t imagine I could have gone to someone who was a both a rheumatologist and an eye doctor, even if I had known to look for such a person.</p>
<p>My son was diagnosed by an educational psychologist. She referred me to another psychologist for treatment, and my son has also seen a medical doctor. Nobody combines all those specialties.</p>
<p>Often, around here, when a doctor refers to another doctor she has made a provisional diagnosis, and the specialist provides additional consultation, confirms the diagnosis, and recommends treatment. They often go back to the PCP for ongoing care. Guess it varies.</p>
<p>I see your point, but I think treating what you diagnose, especially over the long term, adds perspective to the evaluation.</p>