Worried about daughter's indecisiveness

Parents Forum
1

Hi everyone! I’m a new poster, so I’ve yet to learn any of the lingo here.

Some BG: My eldest is a junior in HS. Like every other junior in the country, we’ve been touring schools since early October. Granted, she still has a bit of time before she has to start narrowing down where she wants to apply, but I am concerned that this is something that will be a major struggle for her when it comes down to officially choosing a school. We’ve toured in-state, out of state, small, big, public, private, etc. We want her to know that those options are out there. So far, out of what we’ve toured (our main rule is that she can’t apply to a school she hasn’t toured) the only schools she’s dead-set against are Madison (which she only agreed to tour in the first place since it was our alma mater) and Notre Dame.

Otherwise, whenever we try to ask her about specific things she’s liked and disliked from each school, she really can’t give a solidified answer. We don’t want to put too much pressure on her, however it’s coming down to the point where she needs to know where she’s applying, and as mentioned earlier, this is also a major concern we have for when it comes down to finally selecting a school.

Any advice?

2

My advice - Try to chill.

You have done a fantastic job giving her a sampling of colleges. When her peers start catching up and showing more interest in college planning, she will too. At this point just see if you can agree on a reasonable safety school (often a state flagship or other appealing state school). Then expand the list as time goes on. Good luck!

3

Why are you limiting her to applying to just schools she has toured? Just out of curiosity.

I’ll be applying in the fall too and my list has been changing all year, and we just haven’t had time to visit every school that has a made an appearance on it. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to apply to them. I’ll apply, and if I get in and am seriously considering it, then we will go and visit.

I also know a lot of people who don’t tour their reaches until after they get in. That way they don’t fall in love with a slim chance of it working out.

4

Run the Net Price Calculators at the schools you’ve visited to see if you can afford them. IMO this should be the first cut. After that, whatever.

5

What should,the OP do? In my opinion, stop bringing the subject up for the time being. Let the daughter finish her junior year without having to answer the “whT do you think about the colleges?” question being asked.

She doesn’t have to make a decision about where to apply now.

6

That’s just a policy we hold, and one we find to be fair. We always tell DD that if she’s genuinely interested in a school, tell us, because we’ll make it work. I think it helps narrow down schools that she may have a real interest in as opposed to schools she just likes. My niece was dead-set on Madison, until she toured UW-Green Bay. She’s happier there than she ever believed she could have been at Madison, so I think for us, we just want DD to know what she’s potentially getting herself into. We also don’t wanted to be rushed to schedule last-minute tours in the fall of her senior year.

7

We try not to badger her about too much. The only time we really have a big discussion about it is right after we tour a school. Then we bring up what did you like, what didn’t you like, how did you like it compared to other schools, etc. Unless my daughter finds another school she’s really interested in that she hasn’t looked at yet, our last tour is in late June, so at that point, we really want to discuss this with her. We don’t want to limit her options or pressure her in any way, and we know there’s still time, however at the same point the fact that she can’t really narrow down any specific reasons is concerning. At least she knows the two schools she really doesn’t like, so we have a rough idea of what schools she may be more interested in than others.

8

Who is picking where to tour? Let her choose next ones.

My D is the exact same way. We are also in Wisconsin. She refuses to even consider Madison, or any other UW. Only Wisconsin school she will consider is Lawrence. We have cost criteria, so I research that, and then try and let her guide us.

9

She’s selecting all the schools to tour. The only schools she didn’t have a choice in were UW-Whitewater (school field trip) and we at least wanted her to look at Madison, because, well, it’s Madison, and both my husband and I went there. Otherwise, it’s been 100% her choice. We’ve been all over the place, but we want her to find a school where she’s happy, and if that means flying from Wisconsin to Texas, so be it. She really does research the schools she’s interested though, so we aren’t planning these tours on a whim.

10

Wow, you are getting much more interest than we are if she is picking the schools. I think you are fine.

11

That’s the funny thing. For her, I think the hard part is she’s choosing schools that she really, truly, feels she could see herself at. Most of the time, that thought for her is confirmed upon touring. By not putting a lot of limitations on where she could tour, it opens up a lot of avenues for her. I never expected her to ask if she could tour Rice, but I knew that if she was asking, she was really interested. We have a large family, so it can be somewhat difficult to plan out-of-state tours, (or any tour, really) and she works, so I knew by her asking she thought that it would be a nice fit for her.

As an aside, she also toured Lawrence and liked it as well. My husband and I have our own thoughts as to where we feel she’ll fit, however we’re definitely keeping those to ourselves throughout this process. We want this to be her choice. We want to be able to give her advice and help guide her, but we don’t want her feeling obligated to go to a school just because she thinks that’s what we want.

12

I wonder if she would be interested in knowing your opinions of where you think she’ll fit in. Maybe it’s okay to share your thoughts as long as you assure her that these are just your opinions and ultimately it’s her decision.

13

Why?

Not everyone is good at articulating what they do or do not like about a place, especially soon after seeing it. I’m horrible at it, which is probably why I empathize with your daughter. It can be frustrating not to have specific feedback from her, especially when you’re the type of person that really likes that type of feedback, but maybe the best you will ever be able to get is: I could see myself going here or I really don’t want to go there. And that’s fine. I don’t understand why this is worrying you so much. She’ll figure out what schools she wants to apply to. And she’ll figure out what school she wants to go to. She doesn’t need to have specific reasons why she likes this or why she doesn’t like that, especially after just a tour of the school. She doesn’t even really need to have things she likes or dislikes. Some kids (and I would argue most kids) will be absolutely fine wherever they go. Support her and help her when she asks for it. Let her know what your budget is, and then let her figure it out.

Chill. She’ll be fine. You’re doing everything right. Just because she can’t tell you what she’s thinking doesn’t mean that she’s not thinking anything.

14

Also, she may be the kind of person who could be happy at a lot of different schools. Not every kid has “one true college.”

I agree that you need to stop stressing about this. Your D is showing a healthy level of interest, if she’s picking colleges to tour but not actually obsessing over them.

I know nothing about your finances or how much research you have done about college costs, but I just wanted to say that there are a lot of families out there who thought they could “make it work” for whatever college their kid wanted, and they were in for a rude surprise upon finding out that when colleges say they’ll “meet 100% of need” their definition of “need” is quite different from the parents’ definition.

15

We are in a different position concerning finances. We do have a budget, however for the most part our daughter is mainly responsible for her finances concerning college. Not 100% responsible, mind, but mostly. She knew this going into the process and with her having a job, we feel she has a healthy since of fiscal responsibility to know what shes getting into. She did consider cost into her search without applying any scholarships or financial aid she may get. Some of the schools she’s considering certainly are not cheap, and she knows that’s something for her to consider. Ultimately cost won’t be a major factor until after she’s seen what schools are willing to offer her.

16

Now that she has seen some schools, it may be time to sit back for a bit. After the first few college visits, none of our kids really wanted to look anymore until they got their acceptances. Our youngest son was really burned out by the end of his junior year and just didn’t want to talk about colleges anymore. I think he was pretty overwhelmed at that point by testing and the constant talk of college and just needed a break. I would think about dropping it for now. She sounds pretty typical and I wouldn’t worry about it. It is still early to have to make any decisions about where to apply. There was a thread here a while ago - something about off-the-wall reasons kids didn’t like schools: too hilly, too many trees, people were too cheerful… Kids often have a hard time articulating why they really like or dislike a school. If they see a lot of schools it sometimes starts running together. Sounds like it might be time to take a break.

I would also caution about making finances “work”. If your D is going to pay for her own college then cost is a major consideration as you don’t want her to be saddled with huge loans. Just be sure she includes some financial safeties on her list. It would be shame to have very limited choices (comm. college) because her acceptances are not affordable.

17

OP, I think you’re going about this backwards. It sounds like you’re letting her choose schools to tour without consideration of cost, hoping that she’ll get the scholarships and other funding she’ll need. Or, have you not even shared your budget with her and are allowing her to think it “will all work out”? If you spend any time on College Confidential, you’ll realize that often, that’s a recipe for disaster, as kids end up not being able to go to colleges that accept them.

I have to wonder why, if your D is to be responsible for most of her college funding, you’re setting any parameters on where she must apply. If she has to find the funds to attend, why make her only apply to schools she has toured? If it’s her dime, she should get to choose. There might be a great school she finds at the last minute that she doesn’t get to tour but would be perfect for her. I’ve seen it happen.

But no wonder your D is acting indecisive. She has no idea what money she’ll get-if any-from any of these schools, and that’s IF she gets in.She doesn’t appear to have a safety, which, given that money doesn’t just fall from the sky, is an absolute necessity. I’d hold back too.

You seem to have money-since you can afford all these tours-so I’m wondering why your D is on the hook for most of her funding. Kids need to be 24+, independent or married for parents’ financials to not count towards their EFC. You’re really not looking at this the right way

18

I went on a college tour my sophomore year and disliked all of the six or seven colleges I visited, even though they were all my “first choices.” I think the most important thing I learned from visiting is finding the atmosphere I liked. Small/medium/large, rural/urban, gender ratio, religious affiliation, etc. Figuring those out first and then matching it to colleges may be easier in deciding where to visit next. For example, from my college tour, I realized that I hated small schools. When looking at colleges on their websites and seeing their number of undergrads, I know I won’t like one with 1,800 but might feel comfortable in another with 6,000. Matching to major/interests is good too.

I’d say not to worry too much over it. I’m a junior too and I still don’t have a complete list yet, and your daughter seems pretty motivated. :slight_smile:

19

<<<
…because we’ll make it work…

We are in a different position concerning finances. We do have a budget, however for the most part our daughter is mainly responsible for her finances concerning college. Not 100% responsible, mind, but mostly. She knew this going into the process and with her having a job,
<<<

???

Sounds to me that you’re talking out of both sides of your mouth. Maybe not. What exactly does that second part mean??

How much will YOU pay each year (max)? And how much are you expecting your dau to pay??? Are you expecting her to take out LOANS to pay for much of college? (oh my!)

Do you realize that she can only borrow $5500 for frosh year??? Where is she supposed to get the rest?? Are you saying that you’re going to co-sign loans?

Maybe I’m reading too much into all of this, but you strike me as the ultra-nervous type, high anxiety type, and you’re making your DD a nervous wreck…not only with the expectation that she decide now on colleges, but if you’ve also told her that she’s “mainly” and “mostly” responsible for finances concerning colleges and she’s seeing $50k-60k per year price tags, then you’re going to send her into a dark corner of her room sucking her thumb.

A more reasonable approach is this:

Tell your dau how much you can spend each year. If it’s $10k, then say that. If it’s more or less, say that.

Then understand that between a fed student loan and a summer job, your dau can only contribute about $7k per year.

So, just for talking purposes, let’s say that you can only contribute $10k per year and your dau can contribute $7k thru summer work and student loan. That’s only $17k. That would only cover room, board, books, fees, and travel. Where’s the tuition money going to come from?

What are your dau’s stats? What is her M+CR SAT? What schools have you considered for ASSURED merit for her stats that would FOR SURE make the school easily affordable for the family without taking out extra loans or requiring a lot of work hours?

If you expect her to work part time during the school year, then understand that much of that will spent on “day to day” expenses, and not direct college expenses.

20

If your daughter is going to be mostly responsible for paying for college, perhaps she has figured out that the places you are taking her to visit are going to be too costly. Most students who have to pay for MOST (that is what you posted in another post) of their college costs attend a local community college and commute from home, while still working full time.

Have you given your daughter a dollar amount you will give her annually for college costs? If not, start there with your discussions about schools. If the dollar amount makes the school unaffordable, then don’t even discuss it.