<p>My D normally calls me at least once a day, but now I'm fielding about 3 sobbing phone calls a day. She does calm down by the end of the call, but I'm drained.<br>
D has spoken with one of her professors who has been supportive, so that has helped D.<br>
I'm going to speak with her councellor tomorrow and I hope to get her thoughts on what might be the best course.</p>
<p>to say that calling every day is problematic</p>
<p>i am perfectly healthy by any measure and have performed at a superior academic level throughout my life</p>
<p>sure i get stressed out, but i do call my mom prob every day!!!</p>
<p>she's a psychologist in real life, so just getting her perspective on things that go on in my life is really helpful</p>
<p>good luck to the OP</p>
<p>simbajune beautiful name</p>
<p>I'm a psychologist too. I'd welcome daily calls from my son from college (he's a HS senior now, so he doesn't need to call), and I don't think it's unhealthy, but if he was sobbing every time, I'd be concerned.</p>
<p>really worried, if your D is calling you crying several times a day, she needs to come home.....now. Depression is a serious illness and she needs to be under your supervision until things even out. Don't worry about her feeling that she is a failure....you can get her past that. One of my D's friends decided 3 weeks into school that it was the wrong place for her. She was miserable and she came home. She says that she is disappointed that it didn't work out, but so relieved to be out of it. Just get your D past this crisis and decide the next step when she is feeling better. Good luck and keep us posted.</p>
<p>I know this isn't professional help or anything but a quick and cheap pick-me-up, but it might help short term. I find hard to sleep when stressed or in new situations and I have found that Dream Time Balm from Lush really helps. It smells of lavender and you rub it on your pulse points. Very calming.</p>
<p>I don't call my mother every day but I do email her all the time. She emails me when she's at work too.</p>
<p>What is the dorm/roommate situation like? Sometimes this is the major stressor and can be changed. Maybe I've missed it, but I feel like I don't know what exactly is stressing her out. A bad fit, academics, homesickness, a combination? Sometimes if you can figure that out, you can work on the pieces. Again, maybe I've missed something.</p>
<p>Ok, so I re-read the previous posts and I see that change is hard for her. Going to college is a huge change, sort of like marrying someone you've barely met. She needs to know she's not trapped and has an out, whether it's now or the end of the semester. But figuring out the specific changes that are hardest could help her get a grasp on some things. When a problem is so global, it's hard to figure out what to do about it. Hopefully, this is some of what's happening in counseling.</p>
<p>Reallyworried, when you speak to the counselor, be sure you mention that your daughter has had difficulty with change before. Even after the meds kick in, she may have some adjustment difficulties simply because she is a little slower to adapt to change, and she may need some coping strategies unrelated to the meds. My heart goes out to you, keep taking those phone calls.</p>
<p>First, I want to thank everyone who has written or who have PM'ed me. I am very greatful, and it is so helpful to have a place to vent.</p>
<p>I really don't know what to attribute the depression to, other than D's trouble dealing with change/transitions. She gets along well with her roomate and she does have a nice group of friends.<br>
I get the feeling that even though she knows logically that she can't yet be as close these new friends as she is with her HS friends, that this still bothers her.</p>
<p>I think it would almost be easier if there were a specific stressor that could be dealt with, but I think it's more of a reflection of her trouble dealing with new situations. I am going to mention all this to her councelor, and I hope she will be able to suggest ways of dealing with this to my D.
Of course, the main thing is to find the right antidepressant so my D can even begin to deal with this.</p>
<p>I also have a daughter dealing with depression, so I know what you are going through. I had the crying phone calls several times a day and wondered if they would ever stop. I was afraid to pick up the phone and my daughter's sadness ate a hole in me. After many weeks of talk therapy and several weeks on meds, I think we are turning a corner. I really think my daughter gets a lot out of the therapy, although she says it is very slow. She is the kind that wants a quick fix to everything, so she would love the therapist to wave a magic wand and say, "Poof, you are all better!" Yesterday was the first session she went to and didn't call me after to rehash the session. I take that as a good sign! I am not sure the meds have really kicked in yet as she didn't take them for a week when she was sick. I didn't know this until she was home this weekend.</p>
<p>I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you. Keep yourself well as you take care of your daughter. My thoughts are with you!</p>
<p>reallyworried, the response to change is something else our kids seem to have in common (which is one reason I think son has not transferred). He was my one kid who always hated any camp he went to while he was there. Afterwards, when home in his comfort zone, he would say he had fun and it wasn't bad---but while there we would receive mail or calls about how awful it was. </p>
<p>Snowball, I do think that is a good sign. When my son first started talking to a counselor last year, he called after each session to rehash and ask my opinion. After a few weeks, the calls stopped and if I asked how things were going he would just respond "good--we're talking about alot of stuff". Think you've turned a corner.</p>
<p>reallyworried, I don't have any great words of wisdom. I can tell you I know how difficult this must be for you as I have been there on the receiving end of sobbing phone calls several times a week and sometimes several times a day. We took the position that she could come home whenever she needed to and that became every other weekend. Once she even took the train home at 2:00 am. She was miserable but was able to do fine in her studies. She has transferred to a new school and I barely hear from her period and there has not been one tearful let alone sobbing call so far this year.</p>
<p>Hi, Really Worried -- My personal situation is a little different, but I thought I'd put my two cents in. I think you are wise in ruling out other things and not just the knee-jerk reaction of changing schools. I went through a messy divorce about 5 years ago (xh had mid-life crisis). My first reaction was MOVE!! What would all my friends and acquaintances think? I was a princess, had the perfect kids, perfect life, etc. Luckily, the counselor I went to told me that the flight instinct is very strong when you are going through life-changing experiences. She told me that though my environment might change, I would STILL have my problems do deal with (in my case, fear of the unknown -- I had been married for 24 years).
To make a long story short, I didn't move, my kids are doing fine, and I learned that change is sometimes a good thing in the end. No, I'm not a princess anymore, but I do like my life a lot better and I can't even imagine turning back.
Also, as far as the gossipy people are concerned, whatever your decision may be, they'll move on to their next topic of conversation. I once heard a saying that other people are thinking about you about as much as you think about them -- in other words, hardly at all!
All the best!!</p>
<p>
[quote]
I once heard a saying that other people are thinking about you about as much as you think about them -- in other words, hardly at all!
[/quote]
</p>
<p>I love this! will have to remember to share with my kids.</p>
<p>Hi, MKM -- I love that saying, too, because I was always concerned about what everyone was thinking. It's ironic, because some of the people who wanted the gory details of my divorce are now actually envious -- I never wanted to be the poster child for divorce!
Incidentally, I have read some of your other posts, and I think our sons attend the same school. My son is a new freshman and he is struggling in some of his classes. He is very bright, but LAZY!! After his midterm grades came in, I think he realizes now that he will have to work hard there, not just skate through, take the exam and get an A like in high school. I was worried about the social environment, too, but he seems to be ok with it, even though he is quite introverted. He was lucky to get in a very small dorm, so he has met a lot of people because of its size.
Good luck with your son -- he reminds me of me!!</p>
<p>Realyworried if your daughter has always had trouble with change and can't quite put her finger on the causes of her unhappiness, you might be looking at her (and you) having to put up with her emotional distress for some time as it will be hard for her to change her thinking or her behavior to improve her mood and life. With that in mind you want to make sure (and her counselor) that she is not suicidal and that she is able to concentrate and attend to her studies. The two biggest risks for depressed college students is a high degree of hopelessness leading to suicidal thoughts, and poor academic performance due to impaired concentration. In my opinion I would not be in a rush to bring her home or to run around getting her medications changed. For a kid who doesn't handle change well, new meds and going home could be quite disruptive. I would encourage her that adjustment to college takes a lot of time for many kids and that she can learn to have more control over her moods and her life over time through therapy and facing the challenges of college life.</p>
<p>Post 36 has some good advice. Even though your D is struggling, coming home and leaving college adds in another whole layer of problems. This thread brings back a lot of memories of the struggles we had with our D last fall. We had two months of just a nightmare scene of depression. Snowball in her post said her D's sadness is eating a hole in her, and that describes it exactly...and the hole is in your heart.</p>
<p>I would never have believed that my D as she was in high school could have had such a crash. Counseling, antidepressants, and my constant "talk therapy" got her through the two months and she came home at Christmas break a thin, pale wreck. Four weeks of TLC over break helped a lot and gradually she got better over spring. By summer she was back to her old self. </p>
<p>I really want to reach out to those other moms on this thread that are dealing with the sobbing phone calls. I feel that I really lost those months of my life as I was constantly dealing with my D from mid-Oct. through finals. I was her sort of lifeline to make it through each day and it was so draining. I would jump every time the phone would ring. She didn't want to come home, but she wasn't doing well staying there either. I carried all the important phone numbers at her college with me everywhere, including the campus police. After about a month on antidepressants and therapy, she was coping a little better and then she did make it through the semester and got good grades too.</p>
<p>One thing you could do is to call the dean of students and talk about options with her/him. I had to make an appointment to have the dean call me but she was very nice and most helpful and I had all the options explained about withdrawal, further options for counseling, and so on. For example, the counseling center has an arrangement for consultation visit with a psychiatrist to evaluate meds if needed. The dean also offered to contact all my D's professors confidentially to alert them that this student was struggling. I did not request that, but I think she did it anyway, because my D's math professor gave her extra time on a test and went out of his way to be nice to her. You might ask for that option. I felt it was good to make contact with the dean's office since I didn't know what I might need to ask for later.</p>
<p>First semester freshman year my roommate had a nervous breakdown. Over six or eight weeks she moved from happy to withdrawn to catatonic.</p>
<p>I spoke to my RA & to the house faculty advisor who both told me to give her time to adjust, and advised me to stop being so judgmental of my roommate. I went to the Dean of Students who said: "dear, ALL freshmen would like a single room, but that just isn't possible." </p>
<p>I did what I could to cheer her up thinking she was just unhappy being away from home. I brought my roomate to our campus center for ice cream one day. She sat with a cone dripping over her hand, and when I encouraged her to eat a bite she pushed the cone into her face. The other kids helped me clean up my roomate & bring her back to our room.</p>
<p>A day or so later her parents called when my roomate was not in the room. They very innocently asked how their daughter was, and I am sure they expected me to say "fine." </p>
<p>But even as a 17 year old I understood that the combined wrath of my RA, my Faculty Advisor, the Dean of Students, and my roomate's parents paled in comparison to the seriousness of my roommate's condition. </p>
<p>I told my roomate's parents I thought their daughter was not OK, and that they should come to see her right away. </p>
<p>They arrived four hours later. One brief look and they packed up their daughter's belongings and took her home. She spent several months recovering at an inpatient facility.</p>
<p>Her parents sent me a kind thank you note and the Dean of Students called me to his office and apologized for not listening better. There was no such thing as a mental health professional on campus at my school in 1974. </p>
<p>I think it's good that your daughter is calling to cry on your shoulder; although I understand how hard it is for you. </p>
<p>I encourage you to get to know her roomate(s). Driving the gang to Target is always a hit with my daughter & her roomate. </p>
<p>I casually mentioned to my daughter's roomate that I am always available if she should have a problem that she can't discuss with her own parents. I would be shocked to hear from her, but I hope that opens the door wide enough for her to call if my own daughter is ever in serious trouble. My own roomate might have received care sooner if I had even met her parents once.</p>
<p>I agree with the posters who encourage your daughter to tough it out for the semester. But if she can't, she can't, and it won't be the end of the world. She will simply have to regroup and begin again somewhere else. </p>
<p>I think the quote is "a mother is only as happy as her least happy child." Please take care of yourself. You have two other children who need their mother. Do what you need to do to keep yourself strong and healthy.</p>
<p>Thanks for sharing that story, knc. You were a lifesaver for your roommate. Thank goodness her parents listened to you.</p>
<p>UPDATE: My D is beginning to feel much better, she actually sounds more like herself on the phone, which is such a relief. She is continuing on the antidepressant along with speaking with the councelor, and both seem to be helping.
knc, thankyou for sharing your story. I am very grateful that my D got help very quickly after she began to become depressed so that she didn't continue her downward spiral.</p>