<p>I'm new here, tho have been lurking for many months. I have been reading with great interest all of the threads about the difficulties many of our kids seem to be having adjusting to college life, and wondering how many of you began to see "signs" of "separation issues" (!) prior to your child even leaving for college? The reason I ask is that my 18 year old D who 18 months ago was excitedly browsing college brochures, is now increasingly more unsure of where she wants to go, what she wants to study, etc.... She has already been accepted to Mercer Univ, with a generous scholarship offer, and will probably be accepted to most, if not all, of her list of 7. That being said....she really doesn't seem to be very "happy" about the decisions she's about to make and has most recently started looking into schools which will keep her much closer to home. Hopefully, someone out there has dealt with this and can provide this Mom with some much needed advice. Thanks!</p>
<p>I personally don't see what the big deal is. If she wants to go closer to home then let her explore those options. Maybe she can even do it as a undecided major and take a wide range of classes to see what interests her.</p>
<p>I agree with blueallen. I also think that this is a time that many seniors second guess their choices. In some cases, they are right to second guess their choices. Their college decisions are in most cases the most important decisions of their short lives, so they need to put lots of thought into them.</p>
<p>I think that the best thing that parents can do is to encourage the students to talk about their concerns, and to thorougly think through their options, even making lists of plusses and minuses. We parents also need to realize that what we think our our kids' best options may not be what our kids want for themselves.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, if they do make a mistake and end up at a college that doesn't suit their needs, they can transfer.</p>
<p>Thanks for your responses. I fear, however, that I have mis-stated my concerns. At the end of the day, I really don't care where she attends school or what she majors in......as long as she can happily apply herself and enjoy the college experience. I'm more concerned with her current status, which is probably bordering on depression, and seems to be directly related to the whole college process.</p>
<p>I think it is very natural for her to have some misgivings especially since now it is becoming real, not just way off in the future. Also, when you are looking at all those catalogs, you can potentially go to any of those schools and now you have to let go of many places that sound attractive to only go to one place.</p>
<p>I would simply reinforce the notion that there are many positive things about going away to school, positive for her growth, and you think she is ready for this step, but she has to make her own decision, and you will be supportive of her decision - not in one big speech but subtlely. I would also make plans for her to visit at least a couple of her top choices - an overnight with other potential freshmen should make her much more excited.</p>
<p>Tell me some more about Mercer, a friend has a very bright son (junior), who has Mercer as a top choice, and is hoping for a large scholarship. This might be a school my son is interested in, although no scholarship.</p>
<p>Based upon high school courses, does she know what she definitely would hate majoring in? Maybe looking at what she hates (and would only be able to stand as general ed requirements (there are just some courses you will hate but you have to take) will help narrow things down). Like--does she absolutely hate math, or english or something?</p>
<p>If you can get her to talk to you about it, if you can hold off on your advice and just support her decision process; then you will have done a lot. </p>
<p>When I am being smart but unable to withold advice, and my child is weighing a decision, I discuss processes I have used; like making a list of positives and negatives.....
flipped a coin
(Heads -Harvard, Tails - Franks School of Toaster Repair) or the advanced coin flipping technique where after the coin lands you decide if you want two out of three; because if you decide two out of three you probably didn't want the indicated choice from the first flip. </p>
<p>I don't tell her that is what she should do....just what I have done. I remind her that I will try to support any decision she makes. </p>
<p>P.S. most areas have cell phone towers and with the right plan you could call each other any time of the day for unlimited minutes...it helps when they are away. The internet also allows regular communication, photos etc.</p>
<p>To me the tip-off is that she's started looking into colleges closer to home. This shows she has some anxiety about how she will succeed in college (making friends, passing classes, etc) and leaving the familiar place and people behind, and instinctively she's moving towards choices closer to the safety of home and friends.</p>
<p>Its perfectly natural to be worried about these things so I wouldn't try to talk her out of it. What I would recommend is instead 2 steps. </p>
<p>First, broach the subject in a non-judgemental way and listen to what she says without trying to force confessions of being worried out of her. You might want to share your own experiences and ask her about her friends. The point here is to have her realize that she's not alone in being worried, everyone's in the same boat and yet they come out ok and so will she. Also gently work to have her accept that change is coming and that staying closer to home doesn't stop it; her friends are going to be moving away and even if she trys to stay local they're still going to be gone.</p>
<p>The second step is to give her tools to raise her confidence she will be ok. Often the worries in our imagination dwarf the real problems. A book or two about the college transition, such as "Confessions of a College Freshman" by Arrington or some similar book will help by explaining exactly what the transition is like and giving her some tips on handling it. You can also talk about how you will keep in touch with her when she's at college and whether she'd prefer email, instant-messaging, cell phone, etc. which also conveys the message that you're not abandoning her, you're still there for her, just not in the same way you are today. You might also consider a book about study skills such as "What Smart Students Know" by Robinson, one of the founders of the Princeton Review test prep firm. The point of this is to give her more confidence that she can master the college material.</p>
<p>And when she does pick a college make sure she goes to the orientation session, the earlier the better. Simply meeting other students and seeing they're just like her will help reduce anxiety, and it can help get her more excited about getting started.</p>
<p>My son hit two lows senior year. The first was when most of his friends already were accepted (our state uni does rolling admits) and picking dorms etc...and he would have to wait until April. The second was a girlfriend that he was not dating during the application process, but was dating during the acceptance process. One evening he left four envelopes waiting at home while he went out to eat with her. He was really unhappy about leaving the girlfriend behind. As it turns out, they are just friends now, and it was a good thing he didn't make his decision based upon hers. However...it did make for a rather depressing acceptance month.</p>
<p>Brooks55--I'm a senior who sounds a lot like your daughter. For years I was finding out everything I could about any college that interested me, especially every college in GA (as I'm from Atlanta). Until several months ago I had no idea of where to apply. I've applied to 9 schools ranging from GA, to FL, to CA, to OH, etc. If you asked me what school I want to go to I'd have no idea and I don't particularly care yet. I think you should just support your daughter and not worry about it quite yet. Let her apply where she wants, don't stress out over it, and encourage her all the way. By April she'll be excited and ready to jet off to the school of her choice--as I will be by then. Will she 2nd guess herself? Yes, I know I will. But, as a student facing the same conundrum, just be there for her and it will all work out! Good luck!</p>
<p>What can one say about the moods of teenagers? They can change as quickly as turbo charged random number generators. Unfortunately, they can also sometimes get stuck on a deadly combination. So as parents, we watch and worry. </p>
<p>Many kids get cold feet, buyers remorse, second thoughts about their college choices. It is a big step they are taking, and it is no wonder they get nervous. A new life, and for some kids for whom it is their own choice, the responsibility of picking their new environments for the next four years is overwhelming. The hormones are still popping and peaking, and this is also the dangerous time when mental illnesses start to manifiest themselves. It is no easy job to separate the natural separation anxieties with a true ailment, and even psychiatrists and other mental health specialist do not always catch the true problems. You just watch for the trend and if it is more bouncing all over the place, you hold; if there is a steady downward decline withsome troubling overtones, you intervene with specialists. Sometimes you miss. </p>
<p>The decisions that are to be made are not ironclad, thank goodness, and mistakes can be fixed. They are ever so young yet. Few of take a straight line equation through life, in fact, who does? So there are inevitably going to be some kinks. Part of the old Chinese curse that I found in my fortune cookie more than 30 years ago, "May you have an interesting life." At the time I thought it was a blessing, and there have been times when it was.</p>