<p>My d will be a sophomore this year at a large state university. She did beautifully at first last fall but we began seeing problems when she returned to school after the winter break. At first we chalked it up to homesickness, she is about 3-4 hours from home. As the semester went on we got continual "weepy" phone calls and so we arranged for her to have counseling at the college counseling center which did seem to help. In April the wheels totally fell off when she and her boyfriend of a year and a half broke up (he was at another school across the country but from our home town). From there on we sort of limped to the finish line at the end of the semester. I am proud of her since I know she was really struggling emotionally but she held on and obtained an excellent gpa. When the spring semester ended I immediately had her set up with a good therapist to help her deal with what she was going through and had her also see a psychiatrist who prescribed some antidepressents. She had a great summer - got a good job and loved it, had a large group of close friends and in general, was a joy to have around. So...we now start packing for our return to college the end of this week and the tears have started. She is very stressed about going back and is particularly stressed about her apartment and whether she will like it and how she will get along with the other girls (6 girls in a 3brm apt). I am so worried that we are going to be right back where we were last semester with her, getting calls at all hours with her crying. I had really thought over the summer that she had made some real strides in getting through this. Although she still sobbs about the boyfriend from time to time she seems to have accepted that that relationship has ended. I just think she feels lost at college (even though she did make friends there last year and joined several organizations). Right now I am wondering if we are even doing the right thing taking her back, but of course the tuition is paid and the apt. lease is signed. Also I am not convinced that her problems have anything to do with her particular college but just with being away from home. At the same time I wonder if she realizes that once she goes to college, so do all of her friends and her Dad and I would get old to her pretty quickly. I am just trying to figure out how to handle this and I wondered if anyone else has ever experienced anything like this before. I feel pretty alone with most of my friends kids dying to get back to campus.....thanks for any words of wisdom or suggestions.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you. I don’t have any sagely advice, but I hope that she still visits the therapist. Sometimes the meds take months to really level off and maybe she just isn’t there yet.</p>
<p>In our experience so far with 2 out of 3 kids, sophomore year was an incredible improvement over freshman year, emotionally.</p>
<p>That said, I would tell my daughter or son that if she/he is still not happy by Christmas, then coming home would be an option, as would transfer to a school closer to home and old friends.</p>
<p>It’s great that she kept things going academically: that will leave many options open.</p>
<p>ok; I cheated and looked back on the OP’s older posts; as I suspected which school this was…I was right…</p>
<p>I wholeheartedly recommend what the other posters did; in addition, I’m assuming that your daughter is not in a sorority, but whether she is or not, I know that the whole housing situation at PSU is a nightmare; we know quite a few girls that have called home crying during their freshman and soph years…and they consider themselves happy at the school…</p>
<p>I don’t think it is unusual for kids to feel apprehensive about returning for sophomore year after having a rough freshman year…I would keep in close contact with your daughter during the first few weeks and don’t assume she won’t need to see that counselor again…</p>
<p>Thoughts are with you; our daughter (now a junior at a diff school) had adjustment issues coupled with some unexpected tragic events freshman year; was really not looking forward to going back a year ago, but it ended up being fine as soon as she got involved with her schoolwork, clubs etc…the busier the better in her case…</p>
<p>I had a really tough time with my break up, and it is possible that there were problems in her relationship leading up to the break up. The feelings are still fresh; it took me at least a year to get over a guy I was with for 4 1/2 years (on and off).</p>
<p>On another note, my sister had some issues with school last year, 4 hours away from home, and she is going back this year with great friends, looking forward to the new year.</p>
<p>I hope your daughter does adjust back to school well, and as long as she has great friends who support her, she should be just fine. If it is just blues over the break up, it should get better soon. Just encourage her to stay social and keep involved at school, and not just in school activities, but going out dancing, things like that. It sounds like she’s a very strong young woman though, and it seems like she will be able to pull through, especially with such a great supporting family around her. =)</p>
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I would really hesitate to do this, because it becomes too easy to fall back on it when things are difficult. Encourage her to soldier forward, and don’t give her an easy “out”, even if you are keeping one in the back of YOUR minds. As long as she is maintaining her grades, she is doing better than it might seem on the face of it.</p>
<p>Thank you everyone for all of your kind words. Rodney, she is not in a sorority, but you are right the housing is a big issue there. Kids have to decide by October of their freshman year where to live the following year. What sounded great last October is looking a bit different now (6 girls in an apt. with each bedroom 10x11 and two girls to a room - really?). That being said I am hopeful that much of this anxiety she has now will prove to be much worrying about nothing - or at least she will find it more liveable than she thinks she will. Just to be safe though I am looking for someone who she can work with this year near college (a therapist) because I think she may need that additional support. We have also helped her come up with a number of new organizations she may want to check out this year so I am hopefull that will help her feel more a part of things. I also agree with XU2011 that she is still recovering from her break up and I think that can play a part of this. She has not seen this guy all summer but knowing that he too is returning to his college across the country makes her feel all the more cut off from him (I know that doesn’t make that much sense but it does to her). You know the hard part as a parent is that sometimes I hate to see her so sad and I just want to keep her here and see her happy. But in my heart I know she has to return and at least try it. If it doesn’t work out this semester than maybe we need to change course and look at a transfer, but I think she has to try. At least I think that’s the right thing…Thanks again everyone.</p>
<p>You’re definitely not alone! My D, also a sophomore at a large univ, could be her twin (minus the boyfriend problem). Last year we compromised and agreed that she could come home one weekend a month if she wanted to and that worked out very well. She got the down time and home time she needed and I didn’t get any more gut-wrenching phone calls. I often got texts that said X DAYS… but that was it. Transportation was a bit of a pain as we’re also 3+ hours away but sometimes she took a bus or caught a ride with another local student. It was worth it to know that she was happy as long as she could see light, or home, at the end of the tunnel.</p>
<p>Although she loves her friends and roommates - they’re rooming together this year too - she is also not looking forward to returning. Nothing to do with the school at all, she just doesn’t like being around people constantly. I think she’ll be much happier next year in an apartment but she didn’t feel that she was ready for that yet. </p>
<p>I hope your D has a better year…it sounds as if you have laid a good foundation for it!</p>
<p>^^“…she just doesn’t like being around people constantly.”</p>
<p>For our introverted children, the constant interaction is draining. This is a difficult concept for extroverts–like me–to understand.</p>
<p>I think you may be right on that. The other thing I often think is that when I went to college I came from a home in which I shared a bedroom with 2 sisters. That is rarely the case now as most kids have their own rooms these days and even their own bathrooms sometimes. I think I was able to adapt a little easier since I was never used to having much space! But also just having people around them all the time can be a really different experience. In many ways these things are all what make college such a unique experience for students but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to adjust to.</p>
<p>It’s hard to know how much crying is ok from an internet post but if it were my daughter, I would make sure her therapist is ok with the decision to go back. A lot of kids don’t go back after second semester. She may need to take a bit of a break before going back-- not because it has to do with the school but because her meds need to be right, she may need the support of being home and she may just need a little time for the fog to lift.</p>
<p>cm2 - You are not alone. I posted something similar a few weeks ago and some respondents said that the fresh–>soph transition can be just as draining.
D is eager to get back but a few nights this summer she has found herself in tears about keeping up with work, staying close to freshman friends, the list goes on…
I just keep telling past results are the best indication of future performance - and to let up a little on the expectations - both academically and socially.</p>
<p>cm2…from your username, it sounds like you have two kids? Maybe I missed you saying so…does this daughter have an older sister? If so, that may help. My little sister called me a lot this year, and she knew she could talk to me about anything at any time.</p>
<p>I also think there’s such a wide variety of maturity levels at the freshman level that you don’t find as much in returning students (I hope!). Some kids are ready to be independent and are considerate of others, others are still in high school patterns, and everyone is out of their element for awhile. My D is actually pretty friendly but she also is, and always has been, an “old soul” type. So the typical teenage drama, freshman dorm craziness, etc. just wears thin with her - it bugged her in high school too, but she could leave it behind more easily. One of her roommates has a similar personality and that helped last year…the two of them would go off somewhere together when it got too much for them and she would occassionally bring her home for a weekend as the other girl lives much farther away. I’m hoping that this year will be better since they’ll be living in an upperclass dorm (when does the drama end?!).</p>
<p>I think it is an extremely positive sign that her grades are good. She should be very proud of this, many others would have crumbled in her situation. I hope she has a much better year!</p>
<p>Sk8rmom, I’m not sure the drama quite ever ends…just dies down a bit, maybe. Think about the fact that we have entire shows about housewives gossiping. I gave up on expecting drama to ever end in life; I think it is just part of human nature in general.</p>
<p>On a side note, love your username.</p>
<p>You are not alone and neither is your daughter. My daughter is also at a Big 10 (OOS by 10 hours) and had a rough freshman year. Though she did well academically, her social life was quite disappointing to her. Her roommate was a creep, as was a number of girls on her floor. She spent many days and nights alone. Being in a sorority was her saving grace.</p>
<p>She will be returning in a few weeks and will be living in the sorority house and will have her car. However, she is starting to feel anxious. She is worried to have a repeat of her freshman year. Her father and I have told her she will be fine, etc., etc.</p>
<p>I’ve heard from so many people that sophomore year is sooo much better. Tell her to be strong and study hard. She’ll be fine!</p>
<p>I think you have gotten great advice. Tell her to try one more semester and if she is still unhappy at xmas you will start to look what needs to be done to transfer to other schools. That way she knows she has an out. </p>
<p>I wish her all the best.</p>
<p>I disagree with the advice of not letting her know she can make a decision at Christmas. She has already spent a full academic year at this school (if she were a freshman, then I would agree not to give her the out, thuogh). She also seems very stressed and fragile. Knowing she has an out could really help bring her stress level down. Then she can work on transfer applications over break if she chooses to. Hopefully she can stay through this academic year to preserve your tuition and lease commitments, though.</p>
<p>Mom- we understand why you worry. Ask your D’s professionals for their take on things- they can put you at ease without breaking their professional privacy rules, or have your D discuss more with them. If they feel comfortable with your D’s situation stop worrying. No matter what- don’t pass your worries on to your D. It may increase your anxiety to keep worries to yourself but you will help her chances to succeed if you don’t pass them along to her. Do not give her the spoken out at semester’s end- she needs reasons to succeed, not to opt out.</p>
<p>The many people in an apartment with a shared room is the situation my introverted son was in for his first apartment (6 guys, 4 small br) junior year- he added his roommate after we parents thought he had a single (grrh…). It was good for him to have others for learning apt life, despite the terrible messiness of all of them. He then has successfully had his own apt. I know how the rush for multiple bedroom apts starts awfully early (UW cautions about this on its website- waiting until Jan-Feb). You can hold out the possibility of your D getting her own solo apt for the following year as a reason to cope with the situation. The single apt rentals are much more likely to include good choices at the end of the school year.</p>
<p>It will help to be a “Pollyanna” about things. Emphasize the positives. 10 x 11 is large- I grew up with a 10x10 shared bedroom- plenty of room for their beds and desks. The downside is refrigerator/freezer space. Adding an additional freezer may be worthwhile so there is room to stock up on prepared foods from homes- this can go with her (or whoever provides it) later. Adding a second microwave oven may also be useful. Optimize her living conditions. Cleaning chores will be shared- a bonus. If after the first month or two things seem as though they would be better living elsewhere she can try to get a subletter and move for second semester. Consider this all to be a “learning experience”.</p>
<p>Find ways you can help her be in control/charge of her situation. It can be via foods from home being better than dorm options. She will figure out the best library to get away to study at. She should have courses closer to her goals to be enthusiastic about. Be there for her, give your moral support. Don’t undermine her chances for success with any negatives- deflect the stress onto yourself for any worries either one of you have.</p>
<p>The situation may not be ideal but you want her to make forward progress. Approach the problems that come up with a positive discussion on ways she can improve a situation. Let her utilize the strengths of her roommates in coping. It may be that she can talk to one at times of stress. </p>
<p>This reminds me of the angst of new college freshmen. I’m sure she is having second thoughts about the unknowns of the new living arrangements. There are advantages over dorm life- again, emphasize the positive and keep her professionals in the loop.</p>