<p>I am so impressed that she maintained good grades even while suffering so much emotionally. That is a testament to her strength and resilience. And it will help continue to keep her options open should she decide to transfer. I would stress BOTH of those things to her. And I would definitely make sure that the therapist situation was in place. </p>
<p>Then remind her of her success in dealing with these challenges last year, if you can manage to do so without giving her the feeling that you are denyng her feelings and her concerns. It sounds like she has started to run a negative tape in her head.</p>
<p>If she is still unhappy by the middle of the first semester this year, she should look at transferring. I know a number of kids who just picked schools that were mismatches for themselves and transferring made a big difference. Of course, there are kids whose problems were with themselves and no amount of moving or transferring was going to change that, but the wrong school can make for miserable years there. I went to a school where a number of kids hated “their time” there. I was one of them. I wish I’d transferred. </p>
<p>The kids I know who have benefited greatly in happiness from transfers are those who are in large universities, speciality school or other type of school that is extreme in some way, and they transfer to something quite different. I know a number of kids who just hated going to small LACs out away from the big cities, who just love their city schools. As attracted as they were to the bucolic, personal atmosphere of their first choices in colleges when visiting, living in such environments were just too much for them. So it goes the other way around. A friend’s daughter who was determined to go to a school where packs of her high school friends would not be attending, found herself feeling ever so isolated and out of place at the OOS uni that she accepted. She was much happier transferring back in state at the type of school she thought she would hate. Another friend’s D found that she really did not like the artsy, quirky school she picked that she picked for that reason. She liked being with artsy, quirky kids, but a whole school in that genre was a bit overwhelming to her. I know two young men who came to the conclusion that they preferred a more “preppy” type of school than the former women’s colleges that they chose. Atmosphere can make a difference.</p>
<p>So a change of scene might make all of the differenece for your D.</p>
<p>I agree with her knowing that she has the option of transferring. My D applied to three schools within commuting distance to home and was accepted (with $$$) to all of them. Though she is going back, she knows that if it doesn’t work out, she gave it a second chance and can always come back home if need be.</p>
<p>One more thing you may need to think about is her antidepressants, if she’s still taking them. A lot of people will go through a sort of “evening out” process on medications like these after a few months- while it’s very likely that a lot of the social pressures and housing situation might be stressing her out, you may want to book another appointment with the psychiatrist to see if this is the appropriate medication at the right level. My younger sister went through something similar to this when starting college (started antidepressants- great end of year and summer, school starts- major mess), and it was amazing to see the positive changes in her stress level and emotional state that occurred after getting the meds adjusted.</p>
<p>We are going thru a similar scenario with my D. Went to orientation in July and has been upset since.Panic attacks started and we got her into counseling.We were thinkingthat maybe she should not go.Therapist said she has to go.Otherwise she will be like this everytime a big change occurs.So she is going and trying it but knows that if she can’t adjust she can transfer.She chose this school and applied ED after looking at many schools and could not wait to go.Now I am doing most of the prep and trying not to put to much stress on her. I am anticipating a first year such as you have had.I agree with captain if it doesn’t work move on.Housing at these schools are awful,wish we had the foresite to have requested a single room way back when.D is like me and it would drive me nuts to be with people 24/7.Thank god she did not get put in a triple because I don’t think I would get her there.Says she wants to go to school and live at home but I don’t think that’s what she wants either. Hope every year isn’t going to be like this!</p>
<p>Thanks again for all of your valuable suggestions - I really appreciate it. Today we had an appointment with the dr. to go over her meds and I was present (at my d’s request). I was really pleased to hear much of what she said which was that although she is stressed and anxious about it she was determined to give it a good try. As she said, she doesn’t want to look back years from now and NOT be sure that she gave it everything she had to make it work. This had been her dream school back when we were making this decision to go there - she literally had stars in her eyes everytime we visited and there is much there she loves. As the dr. said (and this applies to Mablab 54 too), transitions are so tough for this age. Sometimes it’s just the age and some kids are better at making transitions than others. The positives are that she has the same roomie in her little 10x11 room as last year and they did great together last year. Coming home from the appointment we started to talk about all the good things about going back - this year she will have a car so if all else fails, we were saying she can shop! Seriously we talked about all the good things and I felt her get more optimistic. I do think to a certain extent attitude is everything. Late today, though, we had some terrible news. A boy from her high school, who is also at her college, had a seizure today and passed away. A great kid, a real shining star. So we had some tears about that. She and her friends are hanging tight tonight reminising…life sure isn’t easy is it?</p>
<p>Sorry to hear about the boy from her school. You seem to be doing the same things we are(positive thinking ect) Good luck and hopefully this too shall pass.</p>
<p>it sounds to me like you are doing all the right things here. Trust the process and trust that your daughter has made great progress this summer. It doesn’t sound like being at a different school would make a huge difference. What has helped me in the past is remembering that nothing stands still around you. If your D were to come home, her friends have gone off to do other things, her siblings have changed, and gasp…even her parents have changed. Returning “home” might not be what she remembers…</p>
<p>ebeeee I totally agree with you - now how to convince a 19 year old of that! Tomorrow we are off to college so I’ll let you all know how it goes. I am hoping and praying that we get her successfully set up in her apt and we don’t have too many tears when we go to leave. Hopefully there will be so much going on with 6 girls getting settled she won’t notice!</p>
<p>Well, I am happy to report that things went much better with move-in than expected. The apartment turned out really well. Eveyone seems really happy with their spaces (small though they may be). My daugther and her roomie got the same IKEA desks and that made their small room look very cohesive. Amazingly in that little 10x11 space we fit in all their stuff and they orgainized it nicely (what would life be like without bed risers?). The apt. complex was awesome, very helpful and the apt was really clean. Although the bedrooms are small, the living room is quite large as is the dining area so it feels like a bigger apt. By the time we left, it really felt homey (ah, girls, so much better to move in than boys!). My d texted me on the way home to say she loves her new apt so what more could I ask for. I completely realize we are in the honeymoon phase right now but everyone is getting along really well and taking turns cooking meals for each other. Classes began yesterday and all seems well there too. We’ll see as time goes on, but for now so far, so good. We didn’t even have any tears to speak of when we left. Thanks everyone for all of your good advice and for just listening and telling me your stories. Good luck to all!</p>
<p>I’m so glad I found this thread! Our D (only child) is a freshman at ISU, and she is really struggling. Her best friend is in the Honors program (which D could have joined if she had made her college choice earlier) and does everything with her group. Her roommate has lots of friends and is never around. The other girls on her hall are all friendly but don’t seem receptive to adding her as a friend. She is lonely and frustrated and says she can’t focus on her work because what’s the point anyway? We have been through this in high school, taking a little time to make friends. But until the last minute she was all set to choose a small private LAC, and then she had the chance to go to ISU on full scholarship, which she embraced. Now she says that was a huge mistake and she wants to transfer to the small school. We say no, she has to give it more time, but the drama is so difficult to deal with. We have suggested that she join a club so at least she can meet people with similar interests, but she is convinced all is hopeless. What else can we do? I feel helpless, and I’m sure this will pass, but in the meantime it is so hard. Anybody else have a freshman at ISU who is looking for a friend?</p>
<p>Quilterkitty – if I were you I would do a couple of things. First I would tell daughter that she has to stick it out through the semester and then if things haven’t changed you’ll talk. We had some friends that had the exact same situation so the Dad went right down picked the daughter up (after just two days) and put her in the local LAC. She regretted it all year and was right back at UI (Iowa) the next fall and now loves it. Second, I would call the Student Counciling Center and see what they recommend. Third, you might also check with the Honors program; they sometimes let people in outside of the formal deadlines.</p>
<p>Anyway, tell her that the first 3 weeks are always the hardest. It almost always gets better after that.</p>
<p>At big and small schools alike, every freshman is currently looking to make new friends. Your D has not been at her school for very long and she certainly has not come close to exhausting her opportunities to meet and become friends with people. She will never be around people who are more open to forming new friendships than she is now. But your D has to be willing to stick her neck out, introduce herself to others, and spend time with people she doesn’t know very well (which is how you become friends with them). You cannot do it for her; she has to do it herself. And if she was at a small LAC, she would have to do it there, too. </p>
<p>Some quick suggestions (for her): 1) Join a study group for one of her classes through the student success center; 2) Ask someone (or a couple people) from her floor to join her for dinner in the cafeteria; 3) Invite the girls on her floor to her room for a late-night study snack or to watch Project Runway together; 4) Join a floor intramural team; 5) Don’t fall prey to first impressions; the people who don’t seem “receptive” may be shy, and the people who she was not initially attracted to enough to approach may be people she really can connect with.</p>
<p>Above all, it takes spending time with people for friendships to develop. She must be willing to spend time with “strangers” in order to make new friends.</p>
<p>I haven’t read every post…but just wanted to say that my daughter’s freshman year of high school was so, so hard, everything seemed to go wrong in particularly hurtful ways-- she spent August crying and dreading going back. A week into sophomore year she was as happy as could be and had the best year of her life. This year she can’t wait to go back. So things do change and it sounds like that could well be true for OP’s daughter. </p>
<p>(And if not, at the end of the semester of course she should leave one way or the other! Just knowing that’s an option will give her a better perspective.)</p>
<p>I totally agree with the last few posts. Freshman year is really a learning experience and they have to learn to put themselves out there and try to connect with others. I think the worst thing you could do is let her give up quickly. I know a few kids my d graduated high school with who left college within a few weeks of starting. Really at that point you haven’t even given it a chance to work. Transitioning to college can be a difficult process especially for kids who struggle with change, like mine do. Other kids seem to roll with the punches and have no problems but that is not true for everyone. Encourage her to keep an open mind, tell her how early it is to be deciding anything and above all try to get her to check into joining some groups (intramural teams, clubs, etc). Finally if she is really struggling I would agree with the post to try the counseling center. When my d was struggling last year they put her in a group of kids all experiencing the same thing (homesickness, feeling lonely, struggling to fit in). It was a very accepting atmosphere for her to be in and made her feel a lot less isolated. Good luck to you both (and I say to you both because I know how hard this is a parent to get the teary phone call saying how unhappy they are).</p>
<p>Is your child in any way religious? My D has joined a Bible study at the campus spiritual life center and says that everyone is really friendly and welcoming. I suppose you could find this acceptance at many clubs, but religious groups go out of their way to be friendly to freshman - not to proselytize but because that is their purpose.</p>