worries re: sending a kid to a so-called "party school"

Parents Forum
1

hey, all -

I am new here, and interested to know how others have dealt with the concern that the school a kid is likely to attend is well known for being a “party school.” Our senior is looking at schools like umass @ amherst and u miami @ oxford. Both schools look great in many respects, but it worries me a lot to think he might get in over his head.

TIA for your perspective!

2

Both our kids went to USoCal, which enjoys the rep of being a HUGE party school as well as rod icing many stellar scholars and athletes. Our kids both got an excellent education there and didn’t overly indulge or get distracted by the party scene. I guess it depends on the maturity of the student and how well s/he can handle the temptations.

3

If the kid is more interested in partying than getting an education there is nothing you can do. They can party at, or near, any college.

4

^^^And run the risk of flunking out.

5

I’m gonna disagree a little here and point out that it really depends on the kid. I’ve got a high stat kid that is way too 420 friendly for my tastes. Fortunately he’s in a school where the vast majority of the students are a lot more concerned about getting into med school, law school, wall street, etc… than they are about finding the next kegger or a good place to light up. He complains a little about the lack of parties but he also knows himself well enough to understand that it’s easier to focus on school when everyone else is too. USC was an option for him but I’m confident he would have spent way more time partying. But that’s my kid. Maybe yours has an iron will and much better self discipline.

6

Some amount of partying is healthy. However, there is certainly a risk of over partying.

I don’t know any way around it, but sending your S to college is really taking the training wheels off. I think a healthy non-judgemental adult-to-adult discussion is helpful. Basically the discussion should be

  1. You will trust his judgement with respect to how much and how little “partying” he does. You will treat him as an adult and will not punish him or be judgemental toward him. You are always there for advice as he asks for it be it a little or a lot, but the training wheels come off.
  2. You understand that he will have to learn for himself what is too much partying and what it too little. This learning will occur by trial and error. It is important that you both understand that he will make mistakes, we all do, that it’s ok, and the key is to learn from them and try to minimize the really big ones like sexual issues, underage drinking or drugs, not keeping up with classes, or leaping from building to building (I know two young people who have died doing that).
  3. You only have so much money to spend on his education so if he partys too much and does poorly or flunks out, while you will be emotionally supportive, he will bear the financial risk to his future plans, not as punishment, but as a matter-of-fact result of your chosen allocation of resources. It’s a real but manageable risk.
7

“I’ve got a high stat kid that is way too 420 friendly for my tastes.”

That is notveryzen of you. :slight_smile:

8

I went to Michigan State- a major party school. IME, the kids who want to party will… no matter the school or living situation. Those who don’t, won’t.

9

Put a bunch of 18-22 year olds together, most of whom are away from eyes of mom and dad for the first time and give them a fair amount of free time and you will find some parties. If you are so inclined, you will find them. And I am not aware of any colleges who have parties in their libraries. So if you want to be a total serious student, you can do that as well. Ideally I think you find a good mix of studies and fun.

And I had 5-6 friends in undergrad who are doctors now. They partied as hard as anyone else I know. The idea that med school, law school and wall street kids are locked up in the library 24/7 isn’t necessarily true at all.

10

I, too, think it’s one of those things you can find at any university if you look hard enough.

That being said, I did not want to send my ardently non-party kid to a known party school mainly because I didn’t want to increase the odds of him feeling left out.

I don’t think the reverse is necessarily true, though. A party-oriented kid is going to find that scene almost anywhere (I know I did).

11

From my experience, people don’t change drastically from high school to college. People who are seeking it will likely find it, people who don’t, the “party” schools are generally big enough that people can find people with their own interests and a wide range of activities

12

In most large schools, there are lots of different groups and hopefully your kid will find his/her “tribe.” My S was in engineering and found a lot of nice gmfoljs in that college, plus the HI club and his dorm. Our D liked cinema, fencing and polo. Neither wanted or joined the Greek scene, but had friends who did.

I agree that kids can find parties in most places where there are young people around, if that’s what they are interested in and looking for. They can also generally find folks who want to balance fun and study and some who are mostly into just studying.

13

Check that there is a substance - free dorm or wellness dorms.

14

I’m going to pretend I don’t know what 420 means, therefore don’t know whether my kid is friendly with it…

15

There is going to be partying at every college.

16

Be careful of the substance free dorm plague. At my kids colleges, the kids in sub free dorms were there at the insistence of the parents because the kid had issues…not necessarily because the kids themselves were interested in non-chemical means of entertainment. Sometimes concentrating all the kids who are experienced partiers in one place can backfire.

17

^ many colleges now specify (more or less directly) that wellness dorms aren’t meant for recovering addicts. Those dorms nevertheless offer lots of 'fun’opportunities.
In addition, honors dorms or quiet dorms may also be a bit less wild.

18

When people are concerned about party schools IME, it’s really a concern about having their child immersed in campuses where partying and heavy drinking cultures with all their associated negative effects*

On the flipside, having a drug scene doesn’t necessarily mean the college is a party school. Case in point, my LAC(Oberlin) where the dominant vices were weed and psychedelics and yet, the heaviest users tended to be those who isolated themselves to enjoy getting stoned/tripped…not students likely to dominate what little party scene there was or to get in the way of other students trying to study or otherwise having more quiet pastimes. They also tend to be very laid back and “live and let live” regarding whether other people partook with them or not.

It’s one major reason why if I had to choose between living around weed/psychedelic addicts and those who partake in heavy drinking cultures commonly referenced when there’s discussion/concerns about party schools, I’ll take the former over the latter any day.

  • Having to deal with/experience belligerently drunk students, excess noise at nights in dorms and near libraries/study spaces, stepping over vomit, damaged/vandalized property from drunken students, drunken students disrupting/dragging down the class, etc. And yes, these were experiences which drove several HS classmates to transfer out of first colleges which turned out to be/were known party schools.
1 Like
19

There are kids who party heavily at ALL colleges (well,except maybe BYU and the like), and kids who don’t party at all at ALL colleges.

I’m sorry, but this is fact. If your kid is NOT a partier, he will find like minded peers even at the biggest party schools.

20

I am shocked, SHOCKED to find that gambling is going on in this casino!!

Your kid will have to navigate this in college no matter where they go. And they are already navigating it now to a great extent while in high school. Your kid will figure it out (or not).

Having said that, I do think a more serious academic situation can help some on this. But that could be easily be a particular major or an honors college/dorm located within a larger raging party school. And I do have some bias against the small isolated college with no distractions other than frat parties.

The kid has to make choices about how much to party, but it is helpful for some other choices to be somewhat available.

I wouldn’t go down the substance free dorm path unless your kid has some existing substance abuse problems. But that’s a whole different ballgame.