My experience saving the lives of poor orphans in (insert name of underdeveloped country here) has changed my life forever. I can’t wait to share my newfound insights into the plight of the underprivileged when I join you at (insert name of Ivy League college here) where I can continue my family’s tradition of philanthropy.
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“Yes, Mr. AO, I knew this because I’ve been gifted since birth.”
“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a young person of good grades and even better fortune,must be in want of admittance at < name of ‘prestigious’ institution>.”
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A repost of an actual essay that I posted on the link I posted above. Admittedly times were different, but it did not impact this man:
'The reasons that I have for wishing to go to Harvard are several. I feel that Harvard can give me a better background and a better liberal education than any other university. I have always wanted to go there, as I have felt that it is not just another college, but is a university with something definite to offer. Then too, I would like to go to the same college as my father. To be a “Harvard man” is an enviable distinction, and one that I sincerely hope I shall attain."
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"I am unquestionably the best applicant of this year, and likely of the decade, and I would like to offer you the first chance to accept me. This offer will only be on the table for a short time, so unless you want to be known as the AO who lost the generation’s best applicant to Yale, I suggest that you get the admission paperwork together ASAP. "
“From the time I was in my mommy’s tummy, I’ve dreamt of going to Stanvard. Each time I felt agitated and kicked the placenta walls, her reading of successful Stanvard essays soothed me. Hearing about the amazing accomplishments of Stanvard admittees inspired me and motivated me to live up to my full potential - I started my first non-profit at 3, joined a research team at my local university at 4, and completed my first mission trip at 5.”
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You’re giving me ideas 
for a highly successful and profitable line of books for babies/toddlers: “I was admitted to Stanvard! for babies”, “I was admitted to Princale! for babies” etc. New parents can put this desirable collection on their bookshelf right next to “electrical engineering for babies” which (I kid you not) is a real thing.
Edited to add it’s even worse than I thought in the baby book world. They actually have quantum physics for babies. An actual cardboard baby book😳 Where was the series when I was struggling with quantum physics at college? Kids these days have it so much easier…
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Do they have one for civil? It could go with Swanson’s Building With Poop. (Also a real thing)
“I did my waiting! Twelve years of it, in Azkaban!”
Yes, I’ve actually read essays where kids started with this. I’m a big HP fan, but save it for your graduation cap. Although now that I think about it DD started one of hers with “It was totally awesome,” a line from a StarKid production, 4th HC app, she just didn’t care anymore 
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I actually love the line “It was a dark and stormy night…” and use it to open my annual progressive Halloween story. Everyone adds to it, creating a unique tale not fit for polite company. As always, my job is to read the story aloud, to much ensuing hilarity.
However, I’d really jazz it up for my own college essay…
For the fifteenth year in a row, I stumbled around in the shadowy darkness, searching for my glasses and a flashlight. In my most melodramatic voice, I enunciated the immortal words, accompanied by florid gesticulations—“It was a dark and stormy night…”
Admit or deny? 
Based on writing with a thesaurus, deny. 
Hey man, no thesaurus was involved!
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“As the campus tour guide at MIT droned on and on, blah blah blah, my long held belief that I was as smart as anyone we passed was confirmed. It’s not that they projected dumbness, it’s just that I am confident in my abilities, intellectually curious and humble.
And then it hit me, literally, I didn’t even see the drone before it struck me…”
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Dear sir. my father is a prince, and he wishes to invest in your country but cannot take the money out because of the laws. and he is requesting your help in moving $30 million out of the country. If you accept me, he will send you the $30 million as a donation, and you can keep 50%. All we need is a letter of acceptance for me and your bank account information
Best regards
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I discovered a headless man in a topless bar.
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I was going to go to India to pad my application but decided to go to Paris and hang out on my friend’s yacht. This ability to think on the fly is why I belong at whatever college I am applying to.
Not much of a yacht if it fits in the Seine. Just saying’.
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My parole officer won’t approve my going out of state for school, so for me, in-state has taken on a greater significance than for the average applicant.
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It really was in Monaco but the writer couldn’t remember the name of “that other French place”.
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The next line would be “I am also an advocate of online learning during Covid, due to the ankle monitor.”
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