<p>Sorry for the long post…</p>
<p>I tend to agree with RebAngel that a significant percentage of New England boarding schools, including many that I think are wonderful (Groton among them) need to work extra hard at excising powerful “boys will be boys, ‘hazing-heavy’, sarcasm-cloaked-in-wit” kinds of behavior. These are bedrock characteristics of the British school system on which so many storied East Coast boarding schools are modeled. It’s not at all easy to change deeply ingrained tradition. </p>
<p>To scrub away bad behavior first requires that the head, the administration, the faculty and many of the parents discard any belief that a culture of humor at the other guy’s expense, hazing and bullying is actually a beneficial toughening up process in disguise. You’d be surprised at how many successful, hard charging, Type-A parents along the East Coast are of two minds on the matter. On the one hand, there is the shock and dismay given voice at cocktail parties (usually by the Moms) about bullying/pranks etc. But the guys often think to themselves that life is one tough road (and getting tougher all the time) and that a certain amount of rough behavior at boarding school gets the kids ready for sharp elbows and spit in the eye. It’s always the hope of this larger-than-you’d think group that the School allows some of this toughening up to happen “within reason.” </p>
<p>Personally, I believe that this whole area is gray. At what point does normal argument, difference and dislike cross the line into abnormal? It’s my opinion that if a School wants to change its culture there has to be a headmaster and enough faculty willing and able to say that kindness and truth are going to be more important than anyone’s individual right to be at that School (including children of rich, connected parents). But these same leaders also need to be willing to defend, where appropriate, the repentant kid who bullied once or twice and needs to be punished, but not expelled. Always a judgment call.</p>
<p>In my view, when you send a kid away, you have to answer three questions outside of scholarship: </p>
<ol>
<li><p>does the School honestly and actively promote and integrate kindness and truth in everything it does?</p></li>
<li><p>does the Headmaster have rock solid judgment, an internal compass that knows the north and south of the School no matter what the prevailing winds might be? And does he or she have the spine and compassion to stay the right course.</p></li>
<li><p>Will this particular School help me make my child into the best human being possible? This is often the hardest calculation in the face of all the distractions of beautiful facilities, great scholarship, enticing viewbooks, impressive speeches etc. even though it’s the most important calculation you ever make (IMO).</p></li>
</ol>