Would anyone like to critique my personal statement?

<p>This is for the first personal statement prompt for UC schools: "Describe the world you come from-for example, your family, community or school-and tell us how this world has shaped your dreams and aspirations." I really want to get into UCLA and I know compared to other UCs, they put more emphasis on the essay, so I want to make sure mine stands out. Any and all feed back would be greatly appreciated!</p>