<p>I agree that it sounds a bit too pretentious and obnoxious at a few points, but overall I think you’re doing the right thing.</p>
<p>Just make sure the others players do, in fact, support this :]</p>
<p>In the first paragraph, you mention “adversary” frequently. I think you mean “adversity.”</p>
<p>In the least offensive way possible…</p>
<p>It just makes your team look like pansies. </p>
<p>Everything you’re describing is typical of any high school sports team. It just sounds like your class is particularly bratty and can’t handle it. I am 200% sure that will not make them fire him. If anything it would make them understand why your team is so bad.</p>
<p>Why does the unwillingness to tolerate rudeness and disrespect make his team “pansies?” If anything, they are stronger and smarter than you, because they know that they don’t need live with being disrespected or shamed just because they’re teenage athletes. You live with it and convince yourselves that it makes you “tough,” but imagine what you kind of team you could be if YOU were treated decently and with respect!</p>
<p>Yeah, go ahead with the letter if you are so determined.</p>
<p>But the Declaration thing is ridiculous.</p>
<p>And in the first paragraph, it’s “adversity” not “adversary”.</p>
<p>Yeh, i know about the whole adversity (i posted my unrevised version on here).</p>
<p>I have to say that i think my letter was effective- The amount of responses it generated means to me that it at least sparked interest (which is my goal).</p>
<p>Honestly, if people are will to take the time to try to insult me on a message board, i think i wrote something pretty stirring. </p>
<p>While i too agree that the declaration thing is cheesy, it seems to make it so people at least read through the whole thing, and if you’re willing to respond to me, a person that you dont even know, then the admins at my school will also probably take the time to hear me out. Had i just latently said we dont like him and listed some reasons, it would be treated like every other complaint.</p>
<p>It’s funny how many people on this site are just lame conformists. Basically what you’re telling me is that unless a coach rapes someone or does something else illegal, he or she deserves his or her job. Unlike you wimps, when something really bothers me (like i said, i play lots of sports etc so i know what a coach should be, and what most coaches are like) AND EVERYONE ElSE ON THE TEAM, i’m going to stand up for myself and at least try to see if i can make a difference.</p>
<p>Thanks for the interest though (both positive and negative)…</p>
<p>Still, have you taken out the D.o.I opening structure? It is a bit pretentious. Taking it out would make it seem a whole lot more serious, dare I say, mature.</p>
<p>You can keep the list of offenses, but copying the intro almost exactly and subbing in words so it fits your situation is way too much.</p>
<p>I don’t know why people are insulting you so much. I would’ve wrote a letter, too. However, I do agree with many peopleon the intro. I would talk about how his behavior has influenced your life and the other players’ lives inside and outside the classroom.</p>
<p>It is good that Jefferson has long been dead, lest he should sadly witness his masterpiece being so debased.</p>
<p>
Hmm…yes, how astute of you to predict that your letter evokes an unpleasant stirring sensation in my stomach.</p>
<p>/projectile vomit</p>
<p>Some small observations: delete the word “aforementioned” and replace it with something less… silly.</p>
<p>You want to give whoever is reading it a sense that you are mature and not making extreme statements such as: “…he is never able to control himself.” “Never” is an extreme word. Try “rarely.”</p>
<p>“my coach made me run when its cold outside!!!”
“he benched a good player during our tournament!!!”
“He gets angry when we mess up!!!”
“He called me dumb!!!”
“He makes us run when we goof off at practice!!!”
“When we complain he gets in our face!!!”</p>
<p>Look, maybe you want a little league sunshine and flowers coach, but you’re playing a varsity sport. Man up. </p>
<p>You’ve got a typical high school coach, granted one that is necessarily tough, as you guys aren’t good as he has said, and seems a bit stubborn. </p>
<p>But maybe he’s right. If you can’t handle hard work and commitment, then quit. You’re just being whiny. </p>
<p>(Sorry if thats harsh, but as i play varsity football myself it’s obvious to me that you don’t understand what hard practice is.)</p>
<p>As a fellow athlete, I say man up. Either say it to him privately like a real man or quit. At least ask a captain to talk to him about the situation before you try and get him fired. </p>
<p>So you’re coach calls you a girl, suck it up. I am sure you have it easy, if you guys are not a good team maybe you guys need a kick in the ass.</p>
<p>CUT the artificial vocabulary. State your purpose and your support clearly, concisely, and without all that rhetorical nonsense you have going on- trust me, it just sounds pretentious, and it will lower your chance of being taken seriously. Shorten, shorten, shorten, and only mention things the administrators will take seriously. CUT that expectations paragraph. Mention</p>
<ul>
<li>verbal abuse (“stupid” “dumb”) but concisely, if you have nothing worse than these two words as support</li>
<li>“fight me” is something you should definitely focus on</li>
<li>freezing temperatures, the charging drills- focus on SPECIFICS and state in detail how kids have been hurt by the running, and the drills- and I mean physically/medically</li>
<li>put downs of other athletic programs, but you need quotes, and good ones</li>
</ul>
<p>CUT the commitment to fun, commitment to winning, and understanding of the importance of academics. This is largely opinion and most coaches have a right to demand dedication.</p>
<p>And finally, do not demand that he be removed. Just say that you have serious concerns and would like to voice them to the administration; if they do not respond, get your parents on board and then they can demand as they like.</p>