I haven’t seen confederate flags flying in NY (that I can recall), but I’ve seen them on plenty of pick up trucks and SUVs. My parents lived in Lexington VA and there were plenty of flags there including in the windows of some of the W & L frats.
What Matthew Stevenson reminded me of Felix Adler’s Supreme Ethical Rule, “Act So As To Elicit the Best In Others and Thereby In Thy Self.” It’s a little different from the Golden Rule in that you really have to think about what actions of yours will really bring out the best in others. Of course it helped that I think Derek was open to change.