Would you please grade my essay? ("Is conscience a more powerful motivator than...")

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1

<p>Hey,</p>

<p>I've never taken an actual SAT before so I have no idea what to expect on my essay, but if someone could please, please grade this practice essay, I would get a better feel for the whole thing. Thank you sooo much!</p>

<p>College Board BB Practice Test #3:</p>

<p>Prompt: Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power?</p>

<p>My Response:</p>

<p>Though humans may tend to claim that their motives and intentions behind the struggle to achieve personal goals comes from a moral conscience, ultimately humans are driven by base, ulterior motives such as money, power, or fame.</p>

<p>Throughout history, we see many well-known people sacrifice their comfort and well-being to achieve a goal benefitting all of humanity. Galileo risked the wrath of the church to publish his world-changing scientific discoveries while Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. risked their lives for peace and freedom. Though such seemingly selfless endeavors may have been driven by morals and ethics, it cannot be denied that ultimately these historical figures gained an unprecedented amount of fame and power in the form of influence on later generations of mankind. By trying to set an example, it is impossible to deny these decorated individuals weren't after making some kind of lasting impact on future generations in addition to their primary, altruisit goals. Thus, humans may be driven by their conscience, but ultimately, ulterior motives will compromise the integrity of such endeavors for no reason other than the inevitability of human nature.</p>

<p>Humans are selfish creatures by nature. In Lord of the Flies , young boys stranded on an island jeopardize each others' lives by struggling to gain a leadership position and food at the cost of their humanity and the safety of all. In Crime and Punishment , main character Raskolnikov murders for money and power, actually sacrificing his pure conscience for a guilt-ridden mind. In the Harry Potter series, Harry's hero, Dumbledore himself, once advocated the killing of weaker muggles for "the greater good", while actually fighting for power and the love of his partner. Therefore, it is evident that though humans may claim to be struggling to achieve some higher purpose, their intentions are in reality, quite rudimentary and selfish, and their actions will contradict their initial purposes.</p>

<p>Though many say money cannot buy happiness, money can change lives, so humans do try to attain material welath. Actors visit third-world countries not only to help, but also to make themselves "look good". Presidents strive for the well-being of their nations, but also for power and eternal remembrance and glory in the records of history. Money and power are a significant driving force in human goals. </p>

<p>Humans may be driven by their conscience to try and change the world, but they are more likely driven by a material desire. Conscience serves as the deceptive cover for an actually more base, and less noble endeavor that is actually driven by the selfishness innate in human nature.</p>

<p>------------------>Thanks again for taking the time and effort to do this! =) Grades out of 6 or 12 will be greatly appreciated in addition to any comments/criticisms on how to improve and what really sucks.</p>

2

<p>Don't expect people to enjoy grading essays. </p>

<p>Interesting thesis.</p>

<p>But you don't really support it. In your first body paragraph, you're saying "Well, sure, we like to think of MLK and Gandhi and Galileo as sacrificing themselves for peace, etc. but look at what happened to all of them. They all became famous. Therefore, they were driven by motives such as money, fame, and power."</p>

<p>Do you see that it's an illogical argument. Just because they did become famous as a result doesn't necessarily mean that their motive was to become famous.</p>

<p>For the second paragraph, your examples from books don't really support your point either. To paraphrase, "In this book, humans were selfish. In this book, the main character wanted money and power. In this book, one of the characters, a wizard, fought for power." It would have been more persuasive if you had used real events.</p>

<p>I mean, can you imagine if one of your friends tried to argue that people were selfish and base by nature by mentioning Cinderella's evil stepmothers? Not convincing.</p>

<p>Okay, I've gotta go. Reflect on what I've said. After you write something, think about argument you're really making and whether if what you're really saying makes much logical sense.</p>

3

<p>You'd probably get about an 11 on this. You're a naturally good writer, this is great for a first try :)</p>

4

<p>you somewhat degrade the good intentions of great men. Some may find that offensive. Just make sure your essay doesn't offend- you don't know who will be grading it.</p>

5

<p>Yeah, I agree with ^, Gandhi was not selfish in any way and it would be hard for you to prove that he was. You should pick other examples. When I did this prompt, I used Benazir Bhutto as an example b/c while she was seen as a benevolent, magnanimous figure, she also siphoned off money for her personal fortune from the government and clearly craved political control over Pakistan with the professed intention of doing a service for her people. Over all, your diction is rather high-fluetent; I have trouble believing that this was done in 25 mins.</p>

6

<p>This essay is well-written, probaly a 11-12</p>

7

<p>Reinforce your examples better, your writing ability is great, I love your transitions and so do the graders.</p>

8

<p>Do you always start your essays off with a 1 sentence paragraph?</p>

<p>I think it deserves a 12, even though your 2nd paragraph makes no sense</p>

9

<p>I think your essay is weakened by a long paragraph that really supports the opposite of your thesis. It would be better to give three strong examples supporting your thesis, preferably in three separate paragraphs. I agree with others that using examples only from literature is probably not the best choice here.
I'll also throw out a philosophical point, that others may want to disagree with. I think that when there is a "positive" and "negative" side to one of these prompts, it is better to choose the "positive" side. In other words, I think you could easily have written an essay focussing on Galileo, Gandhi, and MLK, Jr., praising them for acting out of conscience. You could have recognized that not everyone acts altruisticly, but the most admirable people do. I don't think you're likely to get any extra points for being contrarian, and it seems to me much more likely that a reviewer will subconsciously help you for being positive than for being negative.</p>

10

<p>i think you’ve got too much examples and so less details</p>

11

<p>here i’m writing a essay on the same topic… here’s my intro because i’m still working on it…</p>

<pre><code>The world is a strange truth. People have the correct conscience yet somehow fail the easy decision to follow it. Ex-President Richard Nixon and infiltration of the Watergate Complex, Johnny Nolan and his excessive drinking which inevitably led to his death in the story A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, and the selfish struggle for leadership in The Lord of Flies all show that conscience is not as powerful of a motivator as money, fame, and power because humans naturally are selfish.
</code></pre>