DS has been very slow to mature. After 4 years of on-again-off-again CC attendance he managed to alternate enough failing semesters with ok semesters that he got an Associates degree in Business Administration. He started at a 4 yr school with the plan of getting a BS in Business. Supposedly he had learned his lesson (for the millionth time) and it was going to be different this time. Well, he got a B+, D, F, and a Withdrew. In many classes over the past few years he has gotten decent grades on exams, but either not done homework, or done so poorly that it brings his grade down 2 letters. This semester he had a 77 and a 79 on the first two exams in a class. When I asked him how he could get a 21 on the 3rd exam he said that he thought he had gotten a high “A” on the previous test and got dejected since he had done poorly when he thought he knew the stuff and was now in material that he didn’t understand as well.
He knows we will no longer be paying for his college, although we told him if he got loans and did ok that we would probably reimburse him.
My question is whether we should try to encourage him to drop out of college and start looking for a real job. There are plenty of jobs someone can work with an AA degree. I told him that maybe in a few years he will have the maturity and drive to finish. I never thought I would be saying this since he was a gifted kid in elementary and middle school, but I think he needs to drop out. It is probably a moot point since I doubt he would even have the drive to figure out how to get loans and register for the next semester. Thoughts?
@TV4caster has your son ever been evaluated for ADD or other causes of problems with executive function? It sounds like he doesn’t have the organizational skills to consistently succeed in college. I would suggest a neuropsych evaluation. I agree it doesn’t make much sense for him to pay for school now–but if he can sort out what is getting in his way, he may have the opportunity to succeed in the future.
He was evaluated by two different people/groups. The first test when he was in middle school said he did not have any issues. He went to another guy (supposedly the best in our area) who said he “thought” he was ADD or ADHD (I forget which- and don’t even know what the difference is). He says he was prescribed Vyvanse (I don’t remember that) and that he refused to take it. He says that it makes him feel weird and he hates it. Despite that he says that he gets some from his roommate when he needs to study for tests but that it doesn’t seem to help.
I can relate TV. Our oldest S was also gifted but graduated from HS with the bare minimum of credits and grades. He hated sitting in class and thought much of the material was a waste of time. He did the same thing your son is doing in cc- attended 4 different cc’s and did poorly. During that time he also worked in hands-on jobs; construction and custom auto design. Employers loved him and he was very good at what he did. He somehow managed to get an AA degree and then decided to take a break from school. Then while working for a large contractor, his boss recognized that he was very good at on-site design modifications. Our son ended up returning to school all on his own in Construction Management and graduated in 2 years, doing well enough to get a departmental scholarship his 2nd year. He has a great job and is on a job site where he rarely sits and is outside a lot. In his case it was not only a matter of taking some time to mature, but discovering where his talents were best suited. If you had asked me previously if I thought a break was a good idea, I would have said no. Depending on the circumstances. I would now say there can be major benefits.
So, I gather he is about 22 years old? Living at home? Time to cut the apron strings IMHO. Not only would I not be paying for college but I certainly wouldn’t be allowing him to live at home either. There are many alternatives ~ getting an apartment and a couple of jobs to pay for all his expenses, the military, or one full time job and part time community college night classes. EIther way no one is doing him any favors at this age if they are allowing him to live at home and get those kinds of grades. 22 is not too young to learn about “real life”.
Maybe he should try working for a bit and maybe take one night class. Perhaps if he finds a field that excites him and he needs the BS degree to move up in the field he will become more motivated. I know plenty of people who have become successful in fields without a 4 year college degree.
Doesn’t sound like he’s giving you a choice, really. He’s done for now. A job and independent living is clearly the right next step here. If and when college looks like the right thing for him, he’ll do it.
Whatever you do, don’t give up on this kid. I was also a slow bloomer. I struggled through HS with barely passing grades. My HS guidance counselor told me that I wasn’t college material. I was immature, unmotivated, didn’t take school or life seriously. I somehow made it into college, and it took 5 1/2 years to get through, and even then with a 2.1 GPA. I was not a student. My first 12 to 15 years in the workforce, I bumbled along. Around 35, I woke up and grew up. I’m 56 now, a senior executive with a Fortune 25 corporation, and successful beyond my wildest dreams.
Oh, and I have 2 teenage sons…one is doing well in HS. He’s a decent student, but not an academic superstar. He’s getting B’s and is involved in lots of extracurriculars…certainly better than I ever did. My other son is 15, and is a wonderful kid but tracking similar to what I was in HS. I won’t give up on him.
Here’s my advice to you. Make sure his values are right. Integrity, honesty, compassion, general decency, and hard work. If those things are in line and stay intact, the rest will follow suit as he matures.
Yes. He needs to work and live outside the family home. Quitting is a pretty harsh term considering he did get his AA,. That’s more than a lot of others get. Agree with @JBoz348 above.
Congrats on your personal success story while taking the circuitous route to the top! Thank you for sharing that very encouraging anecdote, and passing along sage advice on how to view kids who aren’t on a straight-line path. With a parent like you, your sons will have the encouragement and support they need to succeed in their own way and in their own time. It’s easy to get tunnel vision about what the future is “supposed” to look like!
There is a book entitled, I believe, “The Myth of Laziness.”
There is no test for ADHD that is reliable. Sitting in a room one on one with a psychologist doing a task is not real life. Two neuropsych.'s have told us this. The questionnaire for him and a parent are really the most useful. You can find it online.
Sounds like a break could be helpful but put it in positive terms if you can.
When was the last time he was evaluated? Has anyone evaluated him for an autism spectrum disorder? He sounds like he might have executive function issues. When he was in high school, did he need a lot of reminders? Did you or his other parent give him a lot of outside structure that enabled him to succeed in school?
It doesn’t sound like he’s unmotivated, in the sense that he doesn’t care about learning and getting his degree; rather, it sounds like he is unable to set up his life in a way that enables him to succeed in his classes. Unfortunately, will power alone is not going to get him out of this trap. Have you considered coaching?