You will like it I promise!!! (The essay itself is in the thread!!)

<p>I know i am not suppose to put essay on like this, but hey it's the last minute!!</p>

<p>Pompt: Write an essay about an event or experience that helped you learn what is important to you and why it is important.</p>

<p>When I stumbled into the hospital room, my worst fear was confirmed by the gravity in the ward. There, I found all my extended family around my mother, who seemed even more atrophied than she was this morning. The doctor, scanning the monitors, said solemnly, “She doesn’t have much time left.” With that, the woeful ambiance reached its peak, and I began to cry. “Do not worry about me, mom, I will be a good kid,” I said in an unsteady voice. Then, a teardrop slid slowly down her right cheek, and her eyes finally lost their remaining life force.</p>

<p>Beep, beep, beeeee…In that moment of ghastly silence, I saw all the fluctuating lines on the electrocardiogram cease their movement and drop dead into straight lines. “I am sorry,” said the doctor, “she has left us.” At that time, I did not understand the full meaning and impact of those words, or how such a short phrase could so dramatically influence my life. </p>

<p>Before moving to America, I lived in a family less fortunate than most of my peers’. My dad, overwhelmed by this incident, spent most of his time working at the office or in his room, trying to make himself oblivious to what had happened. As a result, I grew up as a child who was more independent and responsible. While the other kids relied on their parents to take care of details such as cleaning up their rooms or checking homework, I depended on myself to stay on top of tasks. Often, when I got back from prep school, dishes bought from some restaurant would be laid on the kitchen table, but father would have gone back to work already. I rarely had a chance to share with my dad about what happened at school, how I got another A on the test or how much I liked dodgeball. As a fourth grader, I could not help but wonder, “Why don’t I have a mom who cooks and helps me with my homework, or just someone who will listen to my feelings?”</p>

<p>Four years after that turning point, my family immigrated to America to receive my grandparents’ support. Here, I lived with my father, brother, aunts, uncle, and grandparents. </p>

<p>In this new environment, I received more care than I had ever had before. During dinner time, we would all eat together, discussing how delicious the dishes grandmother made were. I could now say “I am home” to someone when I came back from school. In the evening, I would share with my aunts about my concerns and how I was doing in school. Although these things may seem natural and usual to those who were blessed with a perfect family, they were not given to me before. Remembering how everything was before the changes, I cherished and appreciated these interactions with those around me. To me, it was a privilege to have people looking after me again. </p>

<p>From the passing away of my mother to the uniting with my relatives in the United States, I understood the significance of a family. While the difficult situation I lived in before had driven me to rely mostly on myself, the relation I now have allowed me to share with others about myself. The two families I had were important to me. By being part of both, I realized how precious and lucky I am to be able to care for others and be cared by them.</p>

<p>Try to cut down on your use of more complicated words; it’ll feel too thesaurus-ed.</p>

<p>I did in my essay, for example, changing a sentence from:</p>

<p>While I now lack the coactive manual and cognitive ability to beget a tangible image from an idea or sight, I can draw from stylistic literal genius easily. </p>

<p>to</p>

<p>While I now lack the joint manual and cognitive ability to generate a tangible image from an idea or sight, I can draw from stylistic literal genius easily. </p>

<p>They convey the same thought, but more realistically. Ironically, I used the thesaurus to simplify some of those words, but if you are a good writer you won’t need to overuse complex words to give them that impression.</p>

<p>Absolutely wonderful! I loved it. </p>

<p>And don’t take this advice with a grain of salt. It’s very hard to grab my attention and, guesss what , you did so.</p>

<p>I also advise you to take this essay off ASAP.</p>

<p>An essay is used to show yourself to the colleges. Do you really use words like “atrophied” or “woeful ambiance” in real life? If not, change 'em.
On the opposite side of the token, the beginning of your second paragraph cannot be that way. It doesn’t work in writing unless you’re trying to be comical, which you obviously aren’t.</p>

<p>Actually, my teacher said it creates such a good effect, it’s ok to disregard the grammar rule for just that.</p>

<p>i actually found that beep thing comical</p>

<p>and agreed with everyone. When I was reading essay, I felt like you forced your big words on me. Never use a big word you don’t understand.</p>

<p>i almost cried</p>

<p>Overall very nice. I liked the second part where you were very heartfelt. </p>

<p>Here are my suggestions (based on stuff my college English teacher is always bugging me about):</p>

<p>Change things in quotes to contractions where you can - for example, change “do not” to “don’t” in the “do not worry about me” part and the “I am sorry” to “I’m sorry.” Listen to bernier about the fancy words - they sound way too stilted and dramatic like you’re an actor in a play or something. Also change the word “gravity” to something else; it just doesn’t sound right for that spot. Definitely get rid of the beep thing, it really sounds odd. </p>

<p>Change these sentences; they sound too trite:</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Also try to change the awkward phrasing in some of the parts to sound more natural. For example, when you say “Here, I lived with my father, brother, aunts, uncle, and grandparents” it sounds kind of awkward; try to rephrase it.</p>

<p>Don’t use the term “perfect family.” We know what you mean, but there are really no such things as perfect families. Don’t say “prep school,” just say school.</p>

<p>Seriously though, take this off of here asap.</p>

<p>how do you take the essay off? I don’t think you can…</p>

<p>The beep sound is the electrocardiogram, it’s reflecting her heart beat. Beep, beep, beeee means the heart stopped…</p>

<p>Do you guys know what “gravity” mean? It means seriousness. And none of the vocabulary I don’t know, I am not trying to impress with big words…that’s just the way i write. Anyone find any flgrant grammar mistake?</p>

<p>u did a great job with this…rly.</p>

<p>Thank you smarty99, anyone find the beep, beep part heart-filling instead of weird?</p>

<p>Hon if you didn’t want to change anything then why did you post this in the first place? I’m not saying you don’t know all those words; I’m sure you do and I know all of them myself too. But whether they sound good in this essay is another question. Like I said, I think this essay is quite good but it does need a few tweaks. The grammar is flawless btw.</p>

<p>The chances that someone who lost their mom and is desperate for an essay just happened to stumble on this thread after stumbling on this website is slim. even if someone does take the entire essay their probably not gonna apply to the same college</p>

<p>I think the euphemism at the end, “passing away” is a bit out of place seeing the beginning avoids all the euphemism (except the doctor’s dialogue). </p>

<p>And the sentence, “before moving to America…” it sounds a bit as if you are sad. You want to avoid that feel of “pity me” essay. (I do not mean it as offensive at all…I am really sorry for what happened)</p>

<p>Overall, it’s great :)</p>

<p>The beep was a little weird, but it works. </p>

<p>In terms of flagrant grammatical errors, I don’t like the use of the passive voice in the first sentence, it isn’t necessary. It starts the essay off with a sort of clunky feel. </p>

<p>Instead of: </p>

<p>“When I stumbled into the hospital room, my worst fear was confirmed by the gravity in the ward.” </p>

<p>Change it into the active voice, so something like:</p>

<p>“Sadness overcame me as I stumbled into the hospital room. The ward was filled with… (The pronoun doesn’t make sense after the modification)”</p>

<p>I definitely agree with the others about the wordy prose. Just cut it down a little bit, I know that you’re attached to the way that you’ve written it so far but try it out with some simpler words. Simply for the purpose of editing, cut out words like atrophied and replace with simpler ones, then read it to yourself. Also, simplify! For a majority of cases fewer words can perform better than a long string of them.</p>

<p>Example:</p>

<p>“Then, a teardrop slid slowly down her right cheek, and her eyes finally lost their remaining life force.”</p>

<p>Can become:</p>

<p>“A teardrop slid slowly down her right cheek, and her eyes finally went dark.”</p>

<p>It’s certainly not the best way to say it, but I’m not going to edit line by line. The point is that your entire piece would open up if you let go of some of the unnecessary or overly stilted language.</p>

<p>Otherwise, nice work!</p>

<p>in response to the use of gravity you couls try saying ‘the gravity of the atmosphere’ or something similar</p>

<p>Thanks for all your advices. I am sorry if I offended you theviolinist, I was confused so I just shot out those questions.</p>