I have no idea why I can’t get this image to load.
At any rate, it is a photo of a Dear Abby letter from many moons ago that my friend recently sent me.
The letter talks about the difference between giving with warm hands (while still living) and giving with cold hands (self-explanatory). The author of the letter prefers the former and writes of how much pleasure it gives her to give now.
The warm hands v cold hands is an issue I have shifted positions on a bit. Historically, we were very much, “Here is your pile for education - use it as you see fit. If you don’t use it all the balance can be yours for a down payment on a house or maybe a car.” (Any leftovers would not have been a free-for-all). Ds used all of his pile on his undergraduate degree going to a full-pay private institution. Now he is returning to b-school this fall. I am helping some, but dh is not on that page. We have yours, mine, and ours resources in our household - this is coming out of my resources, and I basically started saving for the purpose of grad school when he started undergrad. I am funding around 60% of the cost. We could absolutely fund all of it, but dh doesn’t want to do that. He was very clear that after undergrad he was done. We will, however, be the bank of mom and dad and loan him money for whatever his own resources plus my contribution won’t cover. I would be of the mindset to forgive that down he road, but dh is not.
I have had friends fund homes for their children - some outright buying them houses, some doing down payments. Historically, that is another thing I would have never done. Now I might.
I think it can be tricky because I sure wouldn’t want to overgive and then wind up needing financial help from ds. I have also seen adult kids who reach a near-entitlement expectation from generous parents.
I would not want to be in a situation where I was paying to actually support my adult kid’s basic life necessities. As my friend mentioned above is.