Giving to Adult Children

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I’m starting a new tread inspired from @Hoggirl’s post from the thread “What if Your Kid Picks a Profession that Will Never Make Any Money”. (Reply 258) What if your kid picks a profession that will never make any money? - #258 by Hoggirl

Here’s Hoggirl’s reply:

"I have no idea why I can’t get this image to load.

At any rate, it is a photo of a Dear Abby letter from many moons ago that my friend recently sent me.

The letter talks about the difference between giving with warm hands (while still living) and giving with cold hands (self-explanatory). The author of the letter prefers the former and writes of how much pleasure it gives her to give now.

The warm hands v cold hands is an issue I have shifted positions on a bit. Historically, we were very much, “Here is your pile for education - use it as you see fit. If you don’t use it all the balance can be yours for a down payment on a house or maybe a car.” (Any leftovers would not have been a free-for-all). Ds used all of his pile on his undergraduate degree going to a full-pay private institution. Now he is returning to b-school this fall. I am helping some, but dh is not on that page. We have yours, mine, and ours resources in our household - this is coming out of my resources, and I basically started saving for the purpose of grad school when he started undergrad. I am funding around 60% of the cost. We could absolutely fund all of it, but dh doesn’t want to do that. He was very clear that after undergrad he was done. We will, however, be the bank of mom and dad and loan him money for whatever his own resources plus my contribution won’t cover. I would be of the mindset to forgive that down he road, but dh is not.

I have had friends fund homes for their children - some outright buying them houses, some doing down payments. Historically, that is another thing I would have never done. Now I might.

I think it can be tricky because I sure wouldn’t want to overgive and then wind up needing financial help from ds. I have also seen adult kids who reach a near-entitlement expectation from generous parents.

I would not want to be in a situation where I was paying to actually support my adult kid’s basic life necessities. As my friend mentioned above is."

I resonated with a lot of this post and my H and I have realized that as we’ve gotten older and more established, and yes, more privileged, our ideas about this have changed. Even 10 years ago, I would have said after college, D was on her own for all her expenses. Now, I like the idea of giving with “warm hands” because the help seems more valuable now when she’s starting off, rather than when we die (hopefully a long time down the road) and she’s well into her career.

At the same time, I don’t want to fund D living beyond her means or feeling entitled. Things we are thinking about after she graduates in the spring:

  • Continuing to fully fund her coming on family vacations. This one is more of a no brainer for me because she’s super frugal and would never spend the $ otherwise to vacation in the way we want ; )

  • Gifting her furniture for her first real apartment. We have some pieces we’ve been saving for her but she’ll also need some of the basics.

  • Helping with some of the downpayment for her first house. This one is more iffy to me because I don’t want to help so she can qualify for more house than she can afford. We are a few years away from that as she’ll be doing a rotational program for the first few years with her company but I can see wanting to help with that.

  • Funding 529s for the grandchildren if we have some one day.

And again, yes, I know this comes from a place of great privilege to be even having this conversation.

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I’m replying to this only to see if it shows up in latest posts…it should have…but didn’t!

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Now it’s showing up. Thank you @thumper1! CC has been super glitchy for me.

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I feel that we have plenty (recently retired) and want to give to my only child. My daughter has an excellent job where she is well paid. My way of giving her money regularly is we pay her rent. She can afford it herself, but this way that money goes into her savings (and comes out of ours). This is our way of gifting to her while we are alive. I figure that she will someday use that savings to buy a house and instead of helping her then, the money will be hers. This is simple now as she is unmarried and lives alone. I don’t think we would do this if she was living with a significant other. She is very thrifty and doesn’t spend much. She would be fine paying her rent herself.

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My opinion on this matter has evolved after many years of reading cc and discussions with friends. Gifting $ was not something my parents did nor did we go on vacations together. When my final parent died suddenly last year there was a sizeable estate. I just don’t think my parents ever stopped worrying if they had enough and they probably never received gifts themselves ( or an inheritence).

I definitely get joy out of sharing with my children much like I do when I make charitable donations to causes that are important to me. When our oldest bought his first home earlier this year I was so happy for him and very proud. After he moved in we gifted him some $ and told him to use it as he sees fit. We always take a yearly vacation with the family and include significant others. It’s a win win for us as we love to vacation with them all and they get an all expenses paid trip:)

And not that we are even steven about everything but we try – one situation that constantly nags at me is that one of our kids had a full D1 athletic scholarship so we pad - 0- for his education at a great school. He has a great job, has saved very well but sometimes we are a bit more generous at birthdays, for instance. He is 24 but has said he’d love to buy a place like his sibling ( and we have more than 2 kids ). Not sure if we should help on the front end with down payment or what but we’ll visit that when the time comes.

I do appreciate others sharing what they do/their views because like I said, this was not something I ever thought much about until reading cc. Friends I grew up have shared how their parents have gifted them $ for homes and taken them on really nice vacations and they are doing the same for their families. We grew up in the same nice suburb but grew up very differently:)

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This was our situation too. My parents left a sizable estate that we didn’t realize existed because they lived so frugally. While the money was nice to inherit, we are at a point in life that we really don’t need the money. I wish my parents had spent it on themselves for caregiving and such. They were very generous though in general in terms of gifts, setting up 529s for the grands, etc…

On the flip side, the inlaws lived very extravagantly, were stingy as heck with the family, and we expect there to be a $0 balance in terms of inheritance. FIL feels like no one else needs it so he’s going to enjoy it. While it doesn’t matter a hill of beans now, it was a PIA as young newly weds to be expected to visit them a flight away on our dime, use precious vacation time, and then have them go dutch when they wanted to go out to eat.

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On this subject (as @Hoggirl referred in the other thread) this is a topic that might often result in parents not agreeing on what or how much to “give”. Meaning, a husband and wife might differ on thoughts!

This is one area where H and I probably pretty much agree - shocking!!! :wink: We both like to give to our kids in adulthood. I’ll preface that with saying we paid for a good portion of their undergraduate (and for one graduate) schooling but not all. They all took out some loans. We have only had one of three marry so far, our son. We gave them some $$$ towards the wedding happily but did not fund it all - nor will we for our 2 daughters should they marry. Honestly I think they prefer it that way. And our money for both college and wedding was with no strings attached. I mean, no one was going to clown school but we felt their career path was theirs. Their wedding is theirs.

We also have been funding a family vacation each year. The kids have all offered $$ up and we declined. They bring food, take us to dinner on vacation - it’s all good. I love being able to do this for them and they express their appreciation and enjoyment of it over and over.

We have never had the $$$ to fund all of college, give a house down payment or write a $40K check for a wedding - but we enjoy “supplementing” - no matter their age.

My mom died within the last year (happy bday tomorrow Mom! <3 ) and that woman would not spend an extra $1 on fresh vegetables at the grocery store but left a fair amount of $$ (for her middle class living) for her kids. I wish, wish, wish, she had used more for herself.

But that was not her wish. She loved giving to us whether it was food from her refrig when we came to visit, a check on our wedding anniversaries, or crisp bills in a card at Christmas. And in her mind, that big gift at the end that was a result of not buying that expensive fresh asparagus and getting the frozen. That was her satisfaction. That was her way.

Find your “way”.

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My parents grew up in a country at war and emigrated here in the early 60’s. Dad went to grad school while supporting a young family of 4. My parents not surprisingly were and continue to be frugal. My brother and I know what it means to “not have” and it’s reflected in our work ethic and how we manage our money. We also have wealthy friends and relatives where the kids/grandkids have poor work ethic and there are huge fights over inheritances. While it was not possible to replicate the tightness of money that I grew up with, we have always tried to emphasize the correlation between work and economic rewards and outcome with our kids. Part of that was telling our kids we would pay for college, wherever they chose, but they were off the payroll after that from an early age.

Fortunately for us, the kids, now independent, have great work ethic and are fairly frugal themselves. My wife and I have enough for a comfortable retirement, and we are both still working. This has gotten me to rethink the strict “off the payroll” policy. At this point, we are hopefully past raising “spoiled kids” knowing that their parents will support them now and through their estates. So we have been gifting them a nice amount under the gift tax limits which will likely let them have a down payment for a house/apartment sooner. We also did not close their 529’s which we contribute to each month. No grandkids yet or in the picture soon, but letting that money grow tax free now seems like a plan.

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My DH and I also believe in “giving with warm hands”. We discuss not only what we want to give, but also the possible implications the giving will have on our kids’ sense of self.

For instance we did not buy furniture for our kids when they moved into post-school apts. We did however offer stuff we don’t want/need any longer…and helped them by driving to stores to shop and transport items. (They live in the city and don’t have cars.) Why? I guess it’s because DH and I lived with our old college trunks as nightstands and accepted hand-me-down old furniture from family when we got our first apt. We feel it helps build character and might make them better consumers. We believe people often spend their own money differently than if it’s someone else’s…but that’s us.

We also feel confident our kids appreciate 1. what we do for them and 2. what we give to them. (In my mind there are different types of giving - one may be the gift of time, experience, etc; while the other is more material in nature.)

However I feel this thread is referring to monetary gifts/help. Like others who have shared, we are generous with our kids when we spend time with them…whether it’s going out to eat or if they join us on a trip. It brings us a lot of joy because with their busy lives, it keeps us connected more than a call or FaceTime does. We’ve gotten to know them as young adults, gotten to know their significant others…and we actually really enjoy spending time with them! (We don’t take that last part for granted. Lol)

Our kids are still in their 20s and haven’t purchased a condo/house/townhouse yet, but I don’t think we’d feel comfortable helping with a down payment. They are doing well in their careers and we’ve always stressed saving/investing with them. In an indirect way, we’ll be helping in other financial ways. We feel they’ll be fine.

Then there is the issue of aging. Like momofboiler1’s parents, my parents were extremely frugal and made personal sacrifices to not only raise their children, but also to ensure they would not be a financial burden to us as they got older.

I see friends with aging parents who require financial help (no judgment) and it makes me appreciate my own parents’ planning that much more…even though I too wish they had spent more on themselves. Knowing we don’t need to worry about our parents’ finances is a gift. It’s something DH and I have worked hard to achieve and we talk with our kids about it.

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@abasket - this is my struggle: dh and I are NOT on the same page.

Our ds was not and is not hurting at all. He had a GREAT job. He will hopefully (we’ll see how the economy goes) get another GREAT job after he has his MBA in 2024. He should arguably have no financial issue paying us back for anything he needs to borrow from us.

Dh’s dad was horribly stingy. Horribly so. If we went out to dinner when they visited, we paid. If we went out to dinner when we visited them - we paid. I can literally count on one hand the number of times my fil ever picked up a check during the 30 years of our marriage he was alive. Dh is not like that at all, but I do feel like he thinks we have already done, “enough,” for ds.

I think the biggest gifts parents can give our children (if possible) is a debt-free college education and healthy savings/retirement of our own, so they do not have to worry about us as we age. As far as going beyond those, it’s kind of a, “Just because we can, does that mean we should type of question. Many factors would go into how one answers that.

I wish dh would be open-minded now about whether or not we will forgive any debt in the future for monies ds borrows from us. But, he currently isn’t. Got bristly the last time I brought it up. I have not shared the Dear Abby warm hands/cold hands letter.

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Great list and understood it’s a privilege to be able to do these things. If I may add one to you list - one that I think is perhaps even more important than the ones you’ve mentioned. I learned it from a WSJ article I read many years ago that said something like: want your children to retire millionaires? Do this one thing. And that was to fund their IRA accounts early on (including while in HS/college).

This takes advantage of the power of compounding and also teaches them to invest. In my case, my 19 year old has made roughly $8,000 dollars over the last 3 years (mainly working at Forever 21!). That money has been put in an IRA and I have given them the $8,000. Even if no more money was added, that will grow to roughly $500,000 at age 61 (using estimate of doubling every seven years).

My hope is that they learn the importance of investing and commit to funding it themselves when they are out of college and able.

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Everything we have is ours. DH and I always had joined accounts as had his and mine parents. I can see that our kids might have separate accounts from their SO because it is more common these days. So unless we are talking about more or less significant amounts we don’t consult each other. We have weekly lunches that we pay for with our son who lives in the same town we are. Since DD lives in a different town I find joy of sending her Amazon Fresh items weekly to make sure she can cook homemade meals. Both kids make much more then we do but since we can, I don’t see why we shouldn’t spoil them once in a while. We like to spend on each other. In return they always give us expensive gifts for our birthdays and Mother’s / Father’s Day. We covered our DD private university tuition and our son’s in state public. Our son also got help with down payment and money to furnish his first house. I can see that we do the same for DD when she will be ready to buy if we still be in financial position to do so. Our son paid for his own wedding though but we gave him gift to spend on whatever he wants.

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I am of the mind set that if I can, I will help my adult kids with anything they need, but DH is not on the same page.

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I don’t think this is unusual! One on board, one not!

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This issue hits home for us. My in-laws have more money than they know what to do with. When they set up their trust 15 years ago they told each of their kids to expect an inheritance of a few million dollars. Right now they spend it on stuff that seems silly to us (a porsche that’s never driven, a closet full of >50 designer handbags, a 4000 sq ft custom home, $30K for a patio cover, etc). But it’s their money and they can spend it how they want.

Here’s the rub… My valedictorian spouse worked their ass off for years to earn $ for college, went to the college that was cheapest, and still came out with private high-interest loans. Because the in-laws wouldn’t pay much for college and the in-state options were $$$. I paid for my entire education myself and was also a Pell grant recipient. We were on gov’t benefits, with a child for years until we received an unexpected inheritance from an aunt that helped us buy our first home. We are STILL paying our student loans. We have struggled and struggled to get our heads above water but are finally doing okay-ish and our retirement saving is mostly on-track. But money is TIGHT.

Our “college savings” for our kids is our employer tuition remission benefits. That’s it. S23 is working a job to save for college and will have to take out loans to cover whatever his aid and wages don’t cover. He’ll be okay, and we are ensuring that the loans are kept to a manageable amount that he’ll be able to repay easily. I am doing a crapload of work to ensure that he finds good offers to optimize his college experience and finances.

The in-laws helped with our latest down payment 7 years ago only because they’d helped their other children by purchasing homes for them (in their same town), and all our equity was tied up in the house we were trying to sell (for a huge loss). We were so appreciative. FIL deducts each of these things from the trust as they occur, so he was happy to give us a chunk that was closer to what they’d given the other kids. None of the kids care about any of the nickle and diming by the way.

Spouse talked to FIL recently in the wake of college tours with S23. FIL said “I wish I hadn’t been so miserly and that I’d worried less about saving money back when you kids were in college. I have way more than I need now.” He implied that he wished they’d paid for all their kids’ schooling. So now we’re in the situation where S23 is busting ass to pay for his own school because we could never get ahead due to our own educational debt and extended years in grad school. But there’s never been even a hint of an offer from the in-laws to help pay for the grandkids’ school. Again, it’s their money but it smarts a little that they see us struggling and are proud of their grandson for his accomplishments but choose to leave us several million dollars when we aren’t even going to need it anymore.

Oh, also just talked to my mom yesterday who said “I have over 100K in my checking account, do you think I should do something about that?” Again, their money, but dang it would have been nice if each of our parents spent some more of it on our educations!!! :expressionless:

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We gift where we can, but the only way we could help with a down payment is if we win the lottery.

For older S’ first apartment, we gave him our old kitchen farm table we were wanting to get rid of. We also paid for half of his bedroom suite. But the whole thing was ~$1500, so it wasn’t like it was super expensive stuff. (He kept his mattress from home as it was pretty new)

Younger S will will probably do something similar. We won’t have much to give away, so I see giving roughly the same equivalent in $

Vacations, the way I see it, if we invite them to go with us, we will pay. But I assume they will do most vacations on their own and go with us on big ones. And we can’t afford to do that but so often. For the last one older, S paid for his/GF plane ticket. And for vienna, we spilt the cost. They offered so I said sure (and countered with splitting the Vienna tix).

My grandma (mom’s mom) started giving the grandkids/great grandkids some $$$ each year over her final 10 years. I can see my parents doing the same. I suspect my Mom still has a good 20 years to go, so it’ll be no time soon.

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Same with us! We don’t quite have the money to help our kids with a down payment for a house. If we did, they’d probably have to support us and we don’t want that. Our gift to our kids is us being taken care of financially in our old age and they don’t have to support us. Plus, we paid for college and we’ve helped them in other ways…

As for trips…they tend to be more eager to take their own trips these days and H and I have enjoyed traveling by ourselves these days…that’s ok. Plus D lives nearby and is always willing to help house and pet sit when we go away.

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We raised our son to understand that his education would be our last financial gift to him as we are 40 years older than he is and have to ensure our retirement remains secure. His choice of the military has been such a boon to his self-sufficiency. He has no school debt, he owns a lovely four-bedroom house with a mortgage payment that is almost entirely covered by his Basic Allowance for Housing, and he makes a very good salary that is mostly disposable, enabling him to fully fund his Roth and contribute the max to his military retirement savings program. He lives well, is building wealth, and is fully independent of us. When he leaves the Army, his education, experience, and skillset ensure he will be well-employed. Most likely, over his lifetime, he will do a magnitude better than we have. We have zero worries about him.

However, he is getting married late next year, and DH and I are not sure yet if/what to gift the happy couple beyond whatever wedding obligation we accept. They don’t need anything, we don’t travel with them (have never traveled with him even when he was growing up), and don’t feel comfortable just handing over a check. The only thing we can think of right now is perhaps helping them with their honeymoon expenses, but they haven’t decided on that yet. It’s funny, in all our financial planning, we focused almost exclusively on education but never thought about a wedding. That’s all on the bride, right? :wink:

So, I guess his education won’t be our last living financial gift, but whatever we decide about the wedding will not be extravagant. They don’t plan to have kids so, most likely, this gift will be the last until he comes into his inheritance.

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This is a very timely topic in our household, given the financial drama that my SIL (sister-in-law) is currently going through.

For DH & I and our 2 kids (D24 & D26), we’ve told the kids that we’ll pay for the equivalent of a 4 year in-state university COA (cost of attendance). If they want to attend grad school, that’s on them. If they get scholarships that bring the cost of a BS/BA way down, then that extra $$ we saved can be used toward grad school.

We’ve made no promises for helping out with things like a down payment on a house. We’d love to be able to do that some day, but haven’t spoken a word about it to our kids. We’ll have to see how everything goes.

DH & I feel it’s important for us to teach our kids some sort of financial literacy, so they leave our house knowing the basics of how to make wise financial decisions. My parents didn’t really teach me any of that and DH’s parents were horrible with money. So DH & I have had to figure it out ourselves and did so early on in our marriage thanks to stuff like Suze Orman books (I made D24 read one over this past summer).

DH grew up in a household where there was never enough money to pay the bills because both parents were really bad at budgeting and always spending money on the shiny new toy, which, stupidly, often ended up with the gas getting shut off because the parents forgot to pay the gas bill…so guess what kids? You get to take cold showers for a few days until we pay the bill.

SIL is currently going through this major upheaval in her life right now. She’s going to file for divorce, has 2 kids (ages 14 & 11). Lives in southern CA in a house that’s mortgaged to the hilt, can’t afford the mortgage on her salary alone. Also won’t be able to afford an apartment rental for her and her 2 kids when the divorce happens because she doesn’t earn enough.

Her & BIL’s financials strategy over the years is every time they wanted a new car, a new shiny object ($7000 mountain bike one time for BIL, for example), they refinanced the house, got $$ out, used it to spend spend spend, pay off credit card debt, then charge it all up again.

House also is ridden with termites, needed termite treatment 15 yr ago but she & BIL chose to not deal with it back then. Now it’s way worse. Oh, and their 1950s CA bungalow house also has the original 1950’s-era sewer hook up to the street, which has badly needed a replacement for over 10 years. It’s a poop storm waiting to happen.

The BIL “needs” a new truck, truck has ~100k miles on it, but won’t pass smog check, needs $6k of repairs in order to fix that. So his solution is for them to refinance again, get money out, so he can get a new truck.

Oh, and he’s having an extramarital affair for the past 2 yr with a married woman across the street. Hence, the reason for the divorce (among other reasons, but that’s the biggest reason).

SIL’s grand plan right now is to refinance again (which will be the 6th time), which will drive her mortgage payment up another $250/month…which, again, she can’t afford on just her salary alone), legally separate from BIL & then divorce, somehow stay in the house until she retires, then leave CA and move to a cheaper cost of living state and live off of the proceeds of the house.

Except, of course, the termites are literally eating the house for the past 16 years. And how are you going to pay for a mortgage that you can’t afford on your own.

Her solution is to ask DH & I and my MIL for money. “Maybe just a couple hundred dollars a month for 6 months.” Oh, and she’s “thinking of maybe getting a 2nd job.”

Sorry, but the “Bank of sbinaz & DH” is closed for you. We have large expenses coming up (paying for our kids’ college) which take priority. I have not worked my butt off my entire adult life to also provide for her financial stupidity.

My MIL lives in a 2nd home that DH & I pay for (our names are on the deed & on the mortgage). So if SIL wants some charity, she can move to MIL’s metro area, she can move in w/MIL and we will not charge SIL rent until MIL passes away.

Rent for a 2 br apartment in SIL’s area right now is running $2400-2800/month. Add that up over the course of 12 months and that’s $31,000 saved right there which she could squirrel away for a rainy day, help herself get back on her feet.

I’m all for helping out family, but I am absolutely not going to finance somebody’s continued foolishness.

Oh…on top of it all, BIL’s grand work plan is to retire in 5 yr at the age of 54 and live off of his fully funded school district pension while he runs over to the neighbor’s house a few evenings a week for his extracurricular activities.

So nope, I’m not helping y’all out with that Jerry Springer episode. My & my DH’s obligation is to OUR kids. And to save up for OUR retirement. Not to provide for other relatives’ families, too.

If you feel like you need a stiff cocktail after reading all that, I’m right there with you.

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My kids will be graduating college with no student loan debt. This is the biggest gift I can give them. As for other things, I plan to fund family vacations for as long as they will travel with us, because that is such a gift TO ME. I hope to be in a position to offer some assistance on some of the big ticket items (wedding, down payment for home, college expenses for their kids, if they have them), but certainly not at the expense of our own financial security or retirement plans.

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