Keep coming back and asking more questions. Read through this forum and you will find many stories from parents. Tales of heartache and frustrations with their children struggling in various ways.
There are many paths to successful adulthood, and reading here may give you hope.
College may not be the best next step. It might help to find out what your son has in mind for his future. If he can muster some effort towards a goal he is reaching for, there is better chance of success.
I think the difficulties that you describe that your son has are exactly the reason he could benefit from a gap year with the most important one being “he’s not mature enough to head off to a regular college .” Be careful taking classes next year as that make make him ineligible for FA available to freshman only. What does his therapist recommend ? Sending someone into a situation that he is not emotionally or socially equipped to handle is not advisable . It is setting someone up for failure. Academics and intellect are just parts of the college experience . What does your son want ?
My niece and her parents reached a similar type of stressful situation as she got close to HS graduation. They all met with her psychiatrist and he had to remind the parents that just because their daughter had reached this milestone, all of her ADHD difficulties did not go away.
The dad in particular was looking at this transition as the time for the daughter to act more adult. The parents were worn out from the difficulty of living with an ADHD kid.
Thanks to the Dr, the parents reconsidered the stress they were putting on the daughter to suddenly think bigger picture (executive function), and they made the choices more simplistic, as if choosing another HS experience, without the “rest of your life counts on this decision” implications.
The Dr. said their daughter still needed emotional support, even as she was planning to go off to college and live away from home. It is not the same growth moment as other kids without ADHD were experiencing. Developmentally, ADHD kids are 2-3 years behind their age group. My niece turned 19 during her freshman year but still acted very immature. This has nothing to do with smarts.
Her parents always remind her that no matter what she does, there is always another path if things don’t work out, and they are there for her. They don’t want her to fall into depression or hopelessness.
Her parents did tell her straight out that they wouldn’t pay for an expensive private LAC she liked, although with some minor sacrifices they could have done it. They will hold onto their savings, because they figure she will need some support during Grad school. That may be when brain maturity and serious academic growth will kick in for her. Fingers crossed.
@ Carolina71, I too have a son who is 17 and has ADHD( inattentive type). Since your son is not able to take medication, I would make sure that at every meal that you feed him more protein and fewer carbs. The protein helps him to stay more focused. Also having him drink coffee/ caffeinated beverages will help to calm him. These dietary tips have helped us tremendously. I understand that it can be very frustrating to be a parent of a child with ADHD, but I assure you it will get better ! Children with ADHD are emotionally behind their peers, and it really is smart advice to either hold them back a year or have them do a gap year before attending college.
Thanks for all the comments. Therapist recommends Citadel as a best bet. Small atmosphere, required to stay on campus first year except for few breaks, etc. He thinks it will help him mature to be away from home but in a secure environment unlike traditional college. Military conduct.
Yes, we are completely worn out. 3 high schools in 3 years has been a lot! He can certainly do the work if he has guidance. He excels in science and math and really wants to be an aerospace eng.
GAP year is just not an option. He’s already at home daily in his pj’s doing work online. That cannot happen in my household another year. We cannot handle that. I won’t enable him to be lazy. If he does stay at home, we will require him to work and take classes part-time until we can all make a plan as to what college to attend. Life doesn’t stop because you have adhd, ld, etc. We’ve always persevered and I know he will never be “normal” but we have to keep moving along. I want him to be the best he can be. I am sure he will have difficulties no matter what decision is made. He’s never been an easy kid and I am sure that will not end.
Gap year doesnt mean sitting home in pjs. There are many good options.
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the above is true.
I think a gap year of working full time, having to meet a schedule, take care of his own clothes, laundry, chores, will determine if he’s ready to go away.
If he complains about that, then he needs to understand that Embry Riddle or Citadel won’t work since he’d be expected to do all those things there.
Ok, so what is your idea of a GAP year? Working full-time would be mine if he’s not going to school. I’m sorry but I have no time/money for leisure activities.
Just saw your comment. Well, he already works every weekend during school and has worked as much as the law allowed during the summer and breaks so he can definitely hold a job. He’s been there almost 2 years. He does his own laundry and has been for a couple of years.
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Well, he already works every weekend during school
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That isn’t enough for someone who goes to school online. He has too much free time during the week!
He’s probably done with school by about noon-2pm, unless he sleeps in…he could work a couple of evenings a week as well!
I can see why H is annoyed.
But, yes, work full time during gap year. If he’s still not busy enough, then volunteering, too.
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Great!
What daily, weekly, monthly household chores does he do? Clean his bathroom/toilet/shower? Mow the lawn? Weeding? Help with dishes? Help with cooking? Someone who’s home everyday during the week has plenty of time to help with cooking.
I would also be working on his driving skills a few times per week
Most actual gap years between high school and college involve work (or enlisted military service for several years). The other gap year activities commonly written about on these forums (the ones commonly heavily subsidized (beyond continuing to live at home) by wealthy parents) should not be taken as representative.
Working full time is a valid option for a gap year. Your son has had so much stress and chaos in his high school years, plus he is so young (and possibly immature?)
Giving him a break between high school and college would allow him time to process all the change, loss of loved one, etc. And what about the girl trouble? Has he been able to work through that?
The alternative could be he fails out of college and comes home defeated and without hope. I don’t see your husband being compassionate if that happens.
There are also Gap work programs that would get him out of your home. That might be a good thing also, having him experience a new city. I would not recommend sending him out of the country.
Here is one of many links on gap year programs https://www.teenlife.com/category/gap-year/ Some can be very life-changing. Wile many arre not free, neither is tuition at a school where a student may not succeed.
Thanks y’all…yes, he does volunteer at the orphan relief nearby when he has time. I will tell you that going to school online takes more time that you think. He’s up online at 830 for homeroom and works all day sometimes until 5 or 6 depending on what he has to do. Now, when I’m at work idk what he does obviously but this is what I see at home. He usually takes a break for lunch and shower and then he’s back in class.
What are the side effects that havve interfered with his ability to tolerate ADHD meds? There are several different classes of meds that can be tried. And are you willing to share whatt happened with the girl at the second HS that prompted the decision to leave? That can potentially influence some of the recommendations being made here.
The amount of time he is spending completing coursework online seems excessive . Is he left unsupervised during the day? It sounds like he is having continued attention problems which may cause difficulties in a traditional college setting.
He is unsupervised when I’m at work 2-3 days a week. He’s used to having a learning coach at regular school helping him to coordinate when things are due and help him get them done. I cannot be that person. Online format makes it difficult to see what is due so I can remind him. Yes, I’ve reached out to the teachers but there is a disconnect there.
So he does have a resource teacher once a week online but even she doesn’t always know what he needs to do.
He was at a Catholic school with zero tolerance. He tried to kiss a girl who did not like him as he thought. Socially awkward, misreads social cues. Have tried every adhd med available. Last one worked well but made him extremely depressed and he had no appetite. We cut it down but still depressed. No depression off meds so damned if you do damned if you don’t.
If he is struggling now with Hs classes online, and you know he has executive function issues, how could you even think of shipping him off to college?
Help him now. He has struggles now. Hire a coach to help him organize his work so he can feel some success. Maybe gain some confidence.
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He’s up online at 830 for homeroom and works all day sometimes until 5 or 6 depending on what he has to do.
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This needs to be explored. Either he doesn’t know how to work efficiently or he’s goofing off when you don’t realize it.