I kept my husband’s last name after the divorce, i.e., kept the first/ maiden/ husband’s last name. I do like the name, but I like my maiden name well enough, too. I can’t really imagine changing my name back to my maiden name. I did not even give it a second’s thought.
I loved my maiden name (which is now my middle name). It is ethnic (Italian) and fairly unique. My married name is shorter and simpler but everyone gets it mixed up with a similar and more common name. I do not regret my marriage, but I regret changing my name.
My middle name was one of those names that people just threw in back in the '50 and '60’s. No special meaning, not a family name… it isn’t a name I dislike, it was just sort of there. No loss when I dropped it.
To get back to the wedding component of this thread, I need some ideas about cakes and alternatives. We recently went to a wedding with a doughnut bar instead of cake but we can’t do the same thing.
The name conversation reminds me of an old, OLD joke. A fan runs up to Mickey Rooney and says “My last name is Rooney too! We might be related!!” to which he Replies “maybe- what was your name before you changed it?”
My daughter in law is a well respected attorney and had no issues changing her name when she got married to my son last year. She uses her maiden name as her middle name, so anyone with any sense will know who she was/is! While we didn’t discuss it, I know she never liked her given middle name, so maybe that influenced her decision as to which name to drop, but I think it is more she comes from a traditional southern family.
I truly did not care what name she when with, and never even though about it, other than to wonder if she would use my son’s name. It would not have surprised me if she kept her maiden name, but happy she decided to change it. My son is the last male in the family with the family last name, so when they have children, hopefully we will keep the name around a bit longer!
Do those of you with daughters want your daughters to keep their own names? I have to say, I’m completely agnostic on it. I wouldn’t care one way or the other what she did.
DIL kept her name when she married my S, and I was perfectly OK with that decision. She only has sisters, all of whom changed their last names when they married. She’s now the only one in her immediate family in her generation with their birth last name (she does have male cousins with that last name).
My DIL, who is an MD changed her last name to take my son’s. At the time of the marriage, she had been out of residency, passed her boards and working for 2 years. I was a bit surprised considering the hassle she had to undertake to change her last name in all her certifications. Her workplace immediately issued her new white coats with her new name.
My D also changed her last name but using her maiden name as her middle name. She also gave her maiden name as a middle name to one of her sons.
D1 isn’t going to change her last name. She’s a physician, but that’s not her reason. She told me a decade and half ago ago–long before she had even started college-- that if (when) she got married she wasn’t going to change her name and in fact she might ask her husband to change his. My husband was the last male in his entire extended family. (There are tons of girls, though.) There was one other male cousin in DH’s generation, but he was gay (and unmarried and childless) and died of an AIDS-related cancer in the mid-90s. D1 and her her sister both have decided not to change their last names and to pass their last names onto their kids so it won’t disappear.
D1’s fiance is an academic with dozen of publications and a recognized expert in his field–so changing his name isn’t going to happen, but D1 wants any kids to take her last name.
D2’s has BFF whose parents are both doctors (and thus both had professional names before they got married); they never changed last names. Their choice was to have the sons take the father’s last name and the daughters to take the mother’s last name. I kind of like that.
I like both jym’s original and married last names, but no way they would have worked hyphenated. I told dh I’d hyphenate my name if he’d hyphenate his. He wasn’t interested so we both kept our names. We’re still married 30+ years later. Kids have his name. I actually love the idea of having my mother’s maiden name as my last name. She was one of two sisters, so that name is gone on our side of the family. My older son has my maiden name as his middle name, but younger son has my bil’s first name. My mother and everyone I know from that generation of New Englanders did First Name Maiden Name Husband’s Name. Everyone who got married when I did (1984) or before of my friends kept their maiden names, but most who got married after me, took their husband’s name.
I don’t care what either of my daughters do in this regard. It is their choice and I only care that they are happy. It doesn’t affect me.
I also did not care what my daughter or DIL did about their last name or middle name; I believe it is a person choice.
While I am personally not fond if hyphenated last names, if either had chosen that route, it would not have bothered me. I just find hyphenated last names harder for the future children, but I know plenty and they all seem good with their parent’s choice. What I don’t know is what the children do when they get married, and what their children’s last name would be. Those little bubbles on the SAT forms only have so many spaces! 
Thanks, mathmom, but there were only a very few advantages growing up with a clunker last name, and many disadvantages!
Whatever all these engaged people do, make sure it is consistent, and make sure legally it works. In my state, there was a big uproar a few years ago because newly married women were going to the DMV to change their IDs after marriage and I forget if they could only keep their middle names or only move maiden name to middle, but I know what they could not do was both, like Jane Mary Smith couldn’t become Jane Mary Smith Jones. Finally the state decided to allow it but they were very unhappy about it.
They could NOT, however, just make up a new name, change to something totally different, and men cannot change their names. Those changes require a court order. I do not know what they allow now for gay marriages, but at least the men couldn’t change up to about 5 years ago.
I used to be the magistrate who signed the name change orders. Most of the time, it was a woman changing to a married name but had failed to do it with the time period allow after marriage or going back to a maiden name after divorce and failed to ask for that during the divorce proceedings. I had more than my fair share of requests to correct spellings because the name on the birth certificate didn’t match the name on the DL, and when the person went for a passport, the passport could only be issued in the name on the birth certificate. It was easier to change the name to the name/spelling on the DL and usually the person had been Jon and not John his whole life (high school diploma, awards, certificates) so wanted the ‘new’ spelling.
When any change is made, be sure to go to SSA and change it! Many people had filed taxes for years using the ‘new name’ (married/divorced/changed) and suddenly one year the taxes were rejected because the name on the tax return did not match the SSN. SSA will only change with a marriage certificate, a court order, or an official document like a certificate of naturalization. They will not accept a DL, although I’m sure some clerks can be talked into it but they aren’t supposed to.
@Onward are you looking to have something instead of cake or in addition to cake?
I suppose you can have whatever sweet you like or is significant to the bride/groom’s family or history.
My S loves donuts - a lot - but don’t think he would consider donuts INSTEAD of cake. As a later night snack at the wedding? Maybe.
One idea I have seen that I think is awfully cute…I saw it in reference to if you have kids invited to the wedding…a table set up with cute glasses filled with milk (like halfway) - could be wine glasses or otherwise - and then a nice big fresh chocolate chip cookie resting on top of the glass. I think it’s an adorable idea and honestly I can totally see my S saying “yeah, let’s do that!!!”
Some examples:
http://bellethemagazine.com/2011/12/weddings-trends-milk-and-cookies.html
I like that idea @abasket ! Yes, there will be children at the reception. I plan to give that idea to my daughter. I’m not sure about the cake. My daughter likes things simple and leans against doing the traditional routine. I just figure the more ideas I get the better. Thanks!
If you do the milk and cookies thing, I think the important thing would be insuring the milk stayed cold. Warm milk = blech!
@Onward There are so many kinds of wedding cakes out there these days that its easy to find something untraditional. Does she or the groom have a favorite dessert? A regional specialty? I’ve heard of cheesecake, pies, ice cream sundae bars, strawberry shortcake, cannolis to name a few.
.
This describes my daughter. She doesn’t want a wedding cake. Could care less about it. I believe the catering package they have at the restaurant includes dessert bar type thing. She said her fiancé likes the idea of a cake and so they will look into a small one, but in addition to the array of desserts on the dessert station (I’m honestly not sure what those are, though maybe I will learn more when I go to a tasting with them next month…they are doing all the planning themselves).
Keep me informed, Sooziet! I wish mine was doing the planning…