@consolation, I heard the song “Give Me Love” by George Harrison today, and it made me think of this thread. I have two sons, but no weddings on the way, so I guessi have some time to work on our songs 
My husband and my daughter danced to Adele’s “Make You Feel My Love”. It’s a really beautiful song. I wanted them to dance to Sweet Child O’ Mine covered by Sheryl Crow. But, this wasn’t about me.
I got married in 1976 and I did not take my husband’s name. I don’t object if someone calls me Mrs X… but I was known professionally in my field and it didn’t seem like a major issue. Most of my friends who got married around that time kept their names. Some like me are still married while others are not. For my taxes I use a hyphenated name but I never changed my license or passport. I wouldn’t expect either of my daughters to change their last names when they get married. Their last name is my husband’s last name. I am rather fond of my middle name and never thought of dropping that in favor of my maiden name. One of my friends who kept her last name did use that name as a middle name for her own daughter and she is probably happy with that. That daughter not take her husband’s last name either.
I kept my birth name when I got married and my DD intends to do the same. Her last name is different than mine, as she has her father’s name. My grandson also has his father’s name (my son’s last name), with his mother’s last name as one of his middle names (the kid has 3 middle names, 5 names in all – but it’s not a hyphenated surname. I think that just reflects cultural influence, as it follows the hispanic-influenced naming convention on his mother’s side.
While I don’t fault anyone for their choices, it just never made sense a woman with a career and advanced educational degrees to diminish her own accomplishments by changing her name. I was proud of the framed dipomas on my law office wall - I wanted them to match the name my clients knew me by. I am sure my daughter is equally proud of her accomplishments.
Aside from that it’s a huge hassle to change the array of important identifying documents and records acquired and accumulated over the years, going back to social security cards acquired soon after birth.
So I think that’s a custom that dates back to historically very different times - it might still make a lot of sense for women who marry young, before college and career… but an unnecessary complication in people’s lives otherwise.
I truly don’t care what anyone else does - to each her own - but I’m a little puzzled by the “I want my colleagues/clients to know me under the name I had.” I’ve seen countless marriages and all that needs to be done is that a person sends an email or such saying “I’m now going by Mary Jones (or Mary Smith Jones) instead of Mary Smith”. And everyone says “oh” and that’s done. No one seems to have mental trouble keeping up with this. I can appreciate Mary wants to stay Smith because it’s part of her identity and all, but it’s not because clients and colleagues can’t possibly process, in about two seconds, a new last name. Am I missing something?
I know I am quoting my OWN self above from a post a couple of days ago! However, it so happens D1 and her fiancé were over last night. We were talking about names in general…actually first names. And I happened to say that I assumed they were both keeping their own last names when they get married (I felt really sure that they would be)…I was wrong! They talked about coming up with a brand new last name that is neither of their last names so that they would have the same last name and that their eventual kids’ names would also be the same. So much for my assumption with them!
I pretty much agree with you, @Pizzagirl. However, in the case of my younger daughter, who is a professional performer in NYC in the theater and music worlds, her name is a calling card of sorts and name recognition matters. Having been somewhat established already in her field, changing her name for professional purposes may not be a good idea. So, she is keeping it professionally but taking her fiancé’s last name legally for everything else.
@soozievt How do you feel about that? I consider myself fairly liberal and open minded about most things but the “new combined name” thing I’ve never really understood. What about family connections/history?
@doschicos…I am open to whatever makes them happy. It won’t be a combined name. They said that they could not think of a combined name that sounded right (understood). They are not into hyphenated names, and honestly, I’m not either. I always wonder when two people with hyphenated last names marry, what name do their kids get? I did ask them how in the world would they come up with a brand new last name? I am not sure I could do that so easily. But they talked about looking up names that may have some meaning and other ideas. I really had no idea they were doing this but they had their reasons. They want to have the same last name as one another. They had some reasons for not taking the other’s last name too, though I guess they did consider that.
This kinda came up because today they are excitedly adopting two cats and have come up with names for them. Each name is after a drink they like. So, I joked I hoped that is not how they come up with their own last name and they laughed and said it would not be!
That’s an interesting idea, sooze. How will they determine a name? Will it have special meaning?
I am another who use first name/Maiden name/ husband’s last name. Because my maiden name was what I had used professionally, I signed things with maiden name /new last name, and slowly, eventually went to using maiden name initial/Last name (eg John Smith Jones eventually became John S Jones) . I was never a fan of my middle name anyway, so it was an easy thing to get rid of. DS’s wife decided to take our last name ( though her sister kept her maiden name when she married). DIL uses her maiden name as her middle name, and her email is still her maiden name, so she will still be known by maiden name as well as establishing her identity with her married name.
@jym626 I think they are looking into names and yes, ones that have meaning behind them.
Perhaps the name will have components of where they met or some other location/event that has special meaning to them, sooze.
Soozie, that’s a novel approach! If they can figure it out, more power to them. And I bet it will make for some interesting mystique, mythifiaction and legend when future generations do genealogy/family tree stuff. Ah the opportunities to create mysterious stories about the line of the family that “suddenly” appears lol. Could be a lot of fun :).
"They are not into hyphenated names, and honestly, I’m not either. I always wonder when two people with hyphenated last names marry, what name do their kids get? " I totally agree with you on this, @soozievt!
Congrats on the grand kittens!
It’s kinda interesting though how different folks react differently to the whole name thing. My daughter’s future mother-in-law was taken aback, in a puzzled “huh” kind of way, not upset judgmental, when my daughter told her she was keeping her last name and not taking theirs. They are from the same religious, socio-economic, geographic and educational level background as my wife and I are and know that my wife kept her name and did not take mine. Yet she was surprised and a bit dismayed. She even questioned whether their children would be confused by it, to which my daughter responded by pointing out that it never confused her or her brother. My daughter did assure her that their kids would have her husband’s last name, which I think alleviated the concerns. And this is with future in laws who have known us for 6 of the 8 years that the kids have been together, who we socialize with independent of the kids, with whom we have taken joint family vacations. The impending marriage creates a whole new context in which things come up that were never on the radar screen before.
Whatever anyone decides, just make sure they are consistent so all IDs match.
Yes, you are. People build professional reputations beyond their immediate circle of clients.
The general counsel of a company may see a woman’s name on lists of conference panels, as recipients of professional awards, on lists of the “best lawyers” in town, in press reports of big wins or deals, and may never realize that the rising star is her old college pal that she’s lost touch with. Had she realized who the lawyer is, she almost certainly would have thrown her old friend some business.
Or, a law firm is putting together a team to pitch new business, and the list of in-house lawyers at the prospective client is circulated. One of the in-house lawyers has changed her name. A lawyer at the firm worked closely with one of the client team in law school on law review, but doesn’t recognize the new name, and doesn’t participate in the pitch. The client passes over the firm because they want to work with lawyers they know.
Or, a lawyer has applied to be a judge. As part of the vetting process, questionnaires are sent out to a wide swath of the community. The questionnaires list the lawyer’s new name. There are hundreds of people in the community who would have returned positive reviews, but they know the lawyer only by the old name and do not return the questionnaires. This is interpreted as evidence that the lawyer does not have a positive reputation in the community.
I could go on and on and on. I use law because that’s the world I know. Because of this virtually every lawyer I’ve known who has changed her name simply tacks on her husband’s last name to her old full name.
My opinions are definitely colored by the fact that I was born First Middle Originallastname and then at age 6 I was adopted by my stepfather to become First a Middle Newlastname so my last name never felt like an inextricable part of me and I was fine changing it when I married. But frankly it seems to me that you’re just honoring your father’s side anyway over your mother’s by keeping your maiden name. I almost feel more “loyalty” for lack of a better term to my mother’s maiden name than I did to either of my last names.
Which brings up an interesting question. For those of you who took a husband’s name, would you change it if you got divorced? At this stage in life, his last name has been mine for 30 years - far longer than my original last name (6) or my adopted last name (15). That plus the fact that it is my kids’ last name - I’d just keep it at this point. I’m still me no matter what you call me and at this point this last name is my identity.
My mother, on the other hand, got divorced after 25 years and went back to her maiden name.
Practically speaking how much does the “niceness” of the name enter into this? Because honestly my H’s last name is a far nicer name (shorter, doesn’t announce ethnicity) compared to either of my original last names (one of which is particularly awful to be honest). And my mother’s maiden name was similarly a nicer name than her married one so I can see why she dumped it.
My maiden name was a mouthful. My married name is easy. I married back in the day when many hyphenated their names. No way was I doing that. Was happy to relegate it to my middle name. And have no interest in ever having to go back to it!
As an aside, when attorneys or any other professional group vet potential colleagues , don’t they read their bios( and would see where/ when they went to college and professional school)? I was at a presentation last week and discovered the speaker was a college classmate of one of my sons.