2016 and beyond wedding moms and dads (Part 1)

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10061

My D’s wedding is still scheduled for May 1, 2021 also and they have their ceremony venue, but they have not been able to get commitment from any reception venue. Right now, only 25 people are allowed in the ceremony venue. I’m hoping things will open up in the next few months, but in the meantime we are planning what we can. I had so hoped to have musicians, but if numbers are very limited, I want to reserve all spaces for family and friends. I suppose we could book a florist now; they don’t have to be in the venue at the time of the ceremony. I could also book a photographer–will take a precious spot, but we need a pro for that role.

In a couple of weeks I am going up to visit her and go wedding dress shopping. She has an appt. at a shop–only one other person allowed with her, masks, and the bridal consultant will not help with the dresses (that will be my role). She had to request styles of dresses in advance. Again, it’s one thing we can do and have some control over. Everything else (food, music, etc.) we can’t plan because we don’t know what we will be able to do. We have not sent out “save the dates” because we aren’t sure how many people we can invite.

I do think the wedding will be smaller than first planned, just because even by May people aren’t going to be traveling as usual, and I probably won’t need to provide much in the way of hospitality to out-of-town guests.

In a way it’s kind of liberating because I am having to relax a lot of the psychological expectations I had, and just accept that what will be, will be. The couple does not want to delay and I agree–I don’t believe in putting life on hold until things are perfect, and people have gotten married in the middle of famines, wars, droughts and pestilence. Life does go on.

10062

@NJSue, Have fun wedding dress shopping with your daughter! This thread is certainly quieter and different these days but hopefully better days are ahead! And yes, life does go on!

10063

Neighbors son is getting married Sept 2021. She has been dress shopping. LOTS of good choices and sales as well.

I think the key this year is…flexible.

10064

Last weekend spent some time with ds1 going over the guest list and coming up with addresses. It’s funny how my perspective has changed. People I was really pushing for have fallen by the wayside … I just want them to be able to marry.

10065

So I had lunch with a grandma whose GD got married - had it at the lovely place, but only about 14 allowed - so essentially immediate family. The couple has been living together for a year and she was ready to not postpone. The dinner was lovely; they had a beautiful wedding, just with very limited attendance.

Although many ‘dream’ about a particular kind of wedding, if the time is right for a wedding, flexibility and making new dreams.

10066

Friends’ S is planning the wedding for Oct 2021. Will be over on the west coast, hopefully we can all travel then. Apparently the place can house 150-200, although it is not clear how many people will actually be invited.

Another friends’ D is getting married next June - both bride and groom are doctors, soon to be starting residency and so want to get married in June. Typical wedding for them would involve several hundred guests - but right now, they don’t know how to proceed with the planning.

Several weddings on the list for next year which I think is the earliest we’ll be attending any…

10067

We are invited to one wedding in July 2021. But both bride and groom’s families live out of this country as well as half of the guest list. The couple married last year, so this is a celebration of their marriage. It was originally scheduled for June 2020. That venue has closed and they have a new one for next year.

Second wedding rescheduled for August 2022. It’s sort of a destination wedding in CO. Really almost none of the guests live there, and neither do the parents or families. We hope that one happens…it was supposed to be part of a longer vacation this August that just got cancelled.

I think the key to wedding planning now is being flexible. Very flexible. It’s been fun to read about the meaningful and lively weddings that were planned by folks here this year, and flexibility was the key.

10068

Cousin’s daughter’s wedding was originally scheduled for Jan 2021, and has been rescheduled for Oct 2021. Their original venue was unwilling to refund any portion of their deposit; there’ll be a different venue now. B & G have decided that if the wedding doesn’t take place in Oct, they won’t be rescheduling again.

10069

The August reschedule wedding at the same venue for 2022…the family lost a lot of money. The venue did not fully refund. Keep in mind, they actually weren’t having weddings there at all. I was disgusted for them.

If I was rescheduling at the same venue and they didn’t transfer my deposits to the new date, I would have found a different venue. But that’s me.

10070

Our first venue didn’t fully refund. They would have transferred $ only once, then no refund at all, even if covid caused a halt. D1 felt we don’t know how covid policies would ebb and flow. The current site would fully refund if the state or city are the cause.

Invitations are out, we finalized (so far) flowers, and she changed to one long set of rectangular tables. Much better for distancing. And as this is an old library, I’m tickled they’re library tables.

I think her seating chart is perfect. Turns out there’ll be chairs for the vows part. That also assures me of distancing. (I assumed people would be standing.)

Some of his distant family is bowing out, grandparents, a sister and her husband abroad, etc. Understandable. Bff out of state won’t make the trip. Understandable but privately annoying. Two bridesmaids decided against. (One is local.)

So the dinner is now down to 21. I’d guess it will shrink a bit more.

But we’re going with the flow. What will be will be. D1 is now at the point where she’s confident it will be lovely. Whew.

Nov 7.

10071

A blogger I follow just got married. Just her family, his and the photographer. In their back yard. The food was not catered, some contributions from different people but not a potluck lol!

It might have been the loveliest wedding I’ve seen in a really long time! Just families! They splurged on flowers, the background and the one long table was so beautiful. Everyone did their own hair and makeup.

It’s the wedding I would have wanted, it’s the type of wedding I hope my daughter has. She’s not engaged but I hope she will be soon.

10072

We were so lucky that our venue gave us a 100% refund of our deposit. It took a few months because they were closed, but we got the refund. It is a restaurant with a large patio for events. They are using the patio now for outdoor seating for the restaurant. I noticed they closed Saturday and Sunday nights for events this week, so they must have finally reopened for events.

10073

I haven’t been on in weeks. Lots of movement over here.

Wedding site is up. I thought the writing was so dear, and it turns out that ds1 did it! Got the ring prototype. They love them. Save the date cards going out this weekend. Yikes.

The bride’s mom is starting to worry about this going off as planned and has proposed Plan B … getting married here! Not here as in my house, but here as in ds’s hometown, 1,000 miles from the current site. Her thinking is that she wants to avoid the letdown of a tiny, scaled-down version of what they wanted and instead make Plan B special in its own right. Like a destination wedding! She’s never been here and has the week off before the wedding. The main reason is that their family is tiny and ours … isn’t. And she knows how important family is to ds. Our entire family can drive here in less than four hours from various points rather than the up to 14 it would take to get to the current venue. So I polled my siblings and dh’s siblings to ask, “If nothing has changed with Covid, not better and not worse, would y’all go the the wedding?” My whole family is in, but dh’s siblings are not. Their kids likely would make it, or at least a representative sample. Like @lookingforward said, it’s understandable, especially with my BIL’s health issues, but still a bummer. Of course, the idea isn’t to get everyone to come here if it isn’t safe, Covid-wise, to travel out of state. We’re not looking to have a super-spreader event.

Anyway, I’ve checked out a couple of venues and photographers and even asked a family friend whether he’s still doing weddings just in case we need to make a last-minute switch. As I started investigating, I admit that I got really excited. I love the idea of them marrying here. I think it’s an excellent Plan B. We are going to talk in earnest about it this weekend. The deal with sticking with the current venue is that the kids are leaving that town by August … there’s just not a lot of room to slide to a later date, especially if they are able to do the big honeymoon they want. I mentioned his future MIL’s thinking, and he thought of something we hadn’t … if Plan B is really going to blow things up then we could do it anytime. Why restrict it to March? OK, then!

@deb922, can you share the name of the blogger? I’d love to get ideas.

Y’all have made me feel better about losing money on the original venue. Future DIL was a paralegal so I figured she was on top of that stuff, but it sounds like they would lose some money if they have to cancel rather than postpone. Also sounds like that’s pretty common. They’d lose no money if they rescheduled, but, again, there are only so many dates to which they could reschedule, and they are pretty much taken.

It is what it is. Any thoughts appreciated, especially from those who have been there, done that.

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@“Youdon’tsay”

Remind me…when is this wedding supposed to take place, and how many folks would you have at either site?

10075

@“Youdon’tsay”, PM me if you want to discuss planning the Plan B, C, D etc.!

As for venue contracts, if you’re going to sign with a venue local to you I would negotiate a pretty tight Covid cancellation clause. I am currently negotiating a new contract with our venue (reception postponed from 3/21/20 to 3/20/21 - 16 person wedding was in August) and I was upfront and honest about the fact that if the wedding they contracted for (150 people, the usual activities) cannot be held for ANY Covid-related reason (travel restrictions, stay, local, federal restrictions etc.) we can cancel and get our entire deposit returned. Had we not been willing to postpone originally they only offered a return of our deposit less 20% - problem is this happened the week before the wedding and everything was paid except for gratuities and admin fees. It was a lot of money to lose so the kids decided to postpone…they have already said they will not postpone again.

Our venue rep is very cooperative but I get a lot of. “Have to ask management…” but they are being as cooperative as possible given the circumstances. I think these places are desperate for bookings so will work with you even if there is a chance it will never happen.

10076

Our current venue has closed for booking new events in 2020. Not sure if they’re booked up or it all got too complicated to work around local policies, or what.

A little more about our first venue, fwiw. D1 had paid about half the deposit, was paying the rest over a few months. She got to the point where she realized she could continue to pay, but only get maybe 2/3 back, even if Covid were what caused a cancel. And even that 2/3 depended on timing. I think she would have had to cancel 6 weeks before or no refund. That may work in ordinary times, but we all know these are not ordinary times. It just wasn’t worth the risk, the money drain out of her budget.

My mother always said some event (some “something”) that marks a wedding (something other than eloping, 15 minutes at the city hall,) forms a starting point to look back on, to lean on. (She had eloped.) I agree. Whether it’s small or not doesn’t matter, when the love and support are there. It doesn’t need to be a big blowout. IMO.

10077

@thumper1 the original date is mid-March 2021. I think that venue capped at 150, and they were going to use every bit of that.

The small place I’ve found here right now is capped at 10 for the chapel and 30 for the reception. I feel confident that by mid-March they’ll be open to 30 in the chapel and 50 in the reception area. I mean, if we did the place here it would be totally different – the whole point would be not to try to re-create the original plan. The reception would be in the back yard of the Airbnb … something like that. This place is free, but you place a deposit. If you cancel on them, you lose $100. For me, it’s worth it to guarantee we’d have a spot here. It’s really lovely.

Another place I love is a chapel out in the country with surrounding land. Right now, the cap is 30 with hopes that by spring it’ll be able to open up to 80. That would be perfect, to me. Normally, it’s capped at 150. But, this would involve more money with a real contract, and we’re just not there yet.

10078

Last Saturday we attended a wedding in northern MN. Ceremony and cocktail hour were held outdoors. It was 10 degrees below normal (59), so chilly. When we arrived, the area had around 50 chairs set up next to each other, but a large empty space in the back. I was curious why the chairs weren’t spread out, but at least 30 people chose to stand in the back. H and I brought our own chairs, so were able to move them off to the side, 20’ away.

After the ceremony, we moved to a tent, where cocktails were served. Waiters walked around with platters of appetizers. With 80 people, there was little social distancing or masks. A dozen chairs were set up outside the tent, so a handful of us distanced ourselves. After two hours, 40 meals arrived. Half the guests were able to eat there or take their meals to go. The other 40 people (bridal party and close relatives) went inside the resort for dinner/reception.

I know that at least one aunt chose not to attend.

10079

So interesting to hear how families are dealing with these times in different parts of the country.

10080

I thought passed appetizers was a complete no-no?

We had a small (<10) get-together at home last week. Typically, I would have a fairly elaborate dinner and way more people for this event - but kept the number under 10 and we met outside only. We pre-packaged the dinner in to-go boxes - but we were all able to sit outside, socially distant and eat.