Gift link to WSJ article about the cost burden on young people of attending so many showers, bachelor/ette parties, weddings etc: Everyone’s Getting Married—and It’s Costing Me a Fortune - WSJ
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I was on the original version of this thread, but then DD cancelled her June 2017 wedding in February 2017.
Now that same DD is engaged again (different guy) with a likely 2024 event. Not sure if she’ll do the big shindig like her brother, or the small city hall like her sister.
I’ll show up at either 
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“No” is a perfectly acceptable response.
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It takes a lot to learn to say no. At first, just after college graduation when my daughter didn’t have a lot of money, it was fun to go to all the weddings and see all the friends she hadn’t seen in, oh, 5 months. At the time she was living in Florida and most of the weddings were in Florida, so not too expensive. Since then, the brides and grooms have gotten older (and richer) so bigger weddings, my daughter’s moved so now there is also a travel expense, and she’s advance from ‘wedding guest’ to ‘member of the wedding party.’
Other daughter has been in 5 weddings, most not so expensive.
I’m spending a lot to go to a football game next week. We all pick our poisons.
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Even as adults H and I have said no to some destination weddings as well as some weddings that require us to take a long flight. Thankfully our kids also understand that saying “sorry I can’t make it” is an option.
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So far the weddings D has attended have been in HNL, where she and her friends grew up, so even tho there re travel costs, she has food, lodging and a car here. She has been in one wedding and was going to be in a 2nd but covid canceled it. She did fly to Vegas with wedding party for bachelorette party in wedding she was bridesmaid in, and had to buy 2 bridesmaid dresses & pay for alterations but otherwise it wasn’t crazy expensive. It was inconvenient to fly here for a wedding, go back to LA and then fly back here for another pair of wedding a few months later. At least the 2 weddings were close in time so many were just staying in town for both, since overlapping friend group.
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Just curious… is it hard to decline being in wedding party (requiring commitments / expenses far ahead)… yet still have option to receive a wedding invitation when the date is closer? Or is it assumed that declining means that travel is not possible that weekend?
I think it might have been easier when you simply asked your friends ---- now even the ask seems to rise to a major event, with elaborate surprise asks, gifts, cards, etc . So I can see where it would be awkward to say " I would love to, but tell me your expectations first so I know if I can afford it"
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My kid has declined to be in a couple of weddings due to her busy schedule. She was still invited as a guest.
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Our daughter and her fiance have definitely been going to a lot of weddings and have fretted about the expense involved. That made them extra sensitive about their own. For example, D had no interest in having a bridal shower. I was alarmed at first and offered to help plan and underwrite one but she said no. I think it was a combination of not wanting to burden her MOH and bridesmaids and also just not feeling the need for “more stuff.” She and her fiance live in a 2 bdr apartment and are postponing trying to buy a house until she’s done with her PhD and knows where they’ll be living. She’s said there’s no place to put more stuff. Also her bachelorette party was very small. Five of them shared an AirBnb and a 6th came just for a day. She considered it a total success.
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Our daughter didn’t really have a bridal shower or bachelorette event. A group of her close friends including the bridal party…arrived in our area the Wednesday before the wedding. We were able to arrange for them to stay in a lake house near where we live. We fully stocked it with food, etc. During that time, the MOH did plan an outing to one of those paint bar places and a taco dinner…costs were low. They all had their nails done together, and we arranged a small brunch at the nail place…and they brought small gifts.
A few of my friends sent “shower” gifts anyway. That was very nice.
Like the above bride, my DD and husband really had no place for any extra stuff. In fact, they have been married for 5 years and we still have some gifts stored at our house☹️.
Wedding was traditional…but none of the extras were done…per DD.
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My D did the same…no shower (I offered to host a small one) or Bachelorette party although a group of close friends took her out for an evening. Her in-laws, who live out of town, hosted a small engagement party so D could meet their extended family and close friends (we went and D invited three people to that party who all lived within 20 minutes of her in-laws). No regrets on her part.
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I’m going to suggest to my daughter that she gives her friends a rough estimate of the cost before they commit. She’s also thinking of having a childless wedding and 3 of the bazillion people she’s thinking about asking have children.
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I’m interested to learn that other people’s daughters didn’t have bridal showers. I was feeling like mine was some kind of weird outlier, lol.
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I think it depends on how the wedding party is declined. If you say “I am so honored. Unfortunately I just can’t afford the extra time and money involved with being a bridemaid – but I do hope to celebrate the wedding with you” I would anticipate an invitation. If you say “I would never consider traveling to X for a wedding.” then maybe not.
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I was thinking the same!!
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I didn’t have a shower either (many moons ago). Never liked them. Was happy (relieved?) D felt the same way.
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My D and DIL both declined wedding showers. Come to think of it, so did I long, long ago.
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S and future DIL don’t want more “stuff” and have politely not taken my sis up on her offer of a shower—just no time. I’m letting S and fiancée make the decisions.
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