We really appreciated the fact that the church had a wedding coordinator who suggested whom to tip & how much. We didn’t have to pay to use the church, so we certainly expected to tip.
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I think the most important thing here is probably the question of staff at the the venues you use: is their gratuity already covered in a fee you are paying or there an expectation that it’s a discretionary extra? “Service charge” is a little ambiguous. For our rehearsal dinner and farewell breakfast, the invoices clearly set forth an 18% gratuity charge as part of the bill. For the reception venue, on the other hand, our contract specifically said the amounts we had prepaid did not include a gratuity and recommended discretionary gratuities. I felt like the tips we gave to the maitre d’, photgrapher, videographer and planner were discretionary extra “thank yous” but the gratuities for the staff were the most important, especially since we were very happy with the service we received.
Edited to clarify: the tips for the waitstaff at the reception venue were given by me in one envelope to the planner who gave them to the maitre d’ who distributed them evenly among them.
Oh…and we gave an honorarium to the officiant. He was a friend and the donation was to a memorial fund for someone we knew. He always donated whatever he receives when officiating at weddings.
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Our hotel - which has a lot of business guests during the week (and some probably tip well, while the weekend wedding crowd and other tourists, maybe not so much), we had a room block on two floors, with many on our floor - I made sure to personally give the two gals cash, and gave them a good amount each and thanking them for their work – and they were so appreciative! Hoping some of the others left cash for the room cleaning staff - they work hard and do a great job.
I forgot…we also tipped the hair and makeup folks. Actually…each person getting their hair and makeup done did their own tips. It was all they had to pay for as I paid for the hair and makeup.
Good point. We left a tip in our MOB/FOB hotel room and a bigger one in the bridal suite (where there was a small after party, not too messy). But our rooms were scattered around different floors so I didn’t attempt to follow up and just hope that most of our hotel guests did the right thing.
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OK, folks, I’m at the beginning of this road - looking for some advice/info.
My D recently got engaged. They are 23-24 y.o., dated for 3 years in college, and have been working for a bit over a year. They’re in California, but the wedding will be here, in DW and I’s town (and D’s hometown) of St. Louis. (D & FSIL graduated from Wustl, so they have a strong connection here, too.)
I think we have a venue & date (next Sept, semi-outdoor wedding, with reception and ceremony in same location.) Will get confirmation of this shortly. Assuming all goes well, the venue provides a pre-approved list of 6 possible caterers.
D is a planner and already feeling a bit of anxiety about the wedding. D & FSIL have minimal experience attending other folks’ weddings (DW and I have been to many).
The fact that they’re in Cali and wedding is in St. L complicates things.
How much lead time is needed to get all the different providers booked (Catering, flowers, photos, music)? Current thinking is DW tries to track down ~3 options in each category, D looks at their websites and picks one, but the details for each will be picked on a future trip D makes back to St. Louis.
D kind of wants to dress shop in Cali, not St. Louis. But her mother and all likely bridesmaids are not in Cali. Thinking is DW and/or a bridesmaid flies out to Cali at some point to help her dress shop. Reasonable?
Other thoughts/advice?
Congratulations ! All vendors need to be booked ASAP. Wedding dates fill up quickly. Depending on what kind of wedding gown your D wants, she should probably get that moving soon. Some designers need longer lead times.
Where she shops won’t matter in the scheme of things, so wherever she decides to shop will work. She can take the dress to a local tailor or seamstress. Bridesmaid dresses can be ordered based on measurements & sent anywhere. Again, they can be locally tailored.
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I think you can put any timetable on it you want. If there are 6 caterers, one may get booked but that still leaves 5 to pick from.
My daughter is getting married next October and so far has a venue (owned by her MIL -to-be) and a photographer. All the rest will work itself out. She is currently finishing her Masters degree and just doesn’t have time to work on all those things now; she’s going on a work trip to Wales tomorrow, then has to come back and finish her thesis, graduate, pack and move to Kentucky. The wedding is in INdiana where none of her bridesmaids live. She’ll find a dress, it will be fine.
And your daughter will figure it out too. One thing that is easier if you shop for a dress where you live is alterations (assuming you have the shop do them). My (other) daughter is flying to VA to help her friend pick out a dress next weekend for friend’s wedding next fall. Friend’s mother is going down from NJ.
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First month of planning is stressful but after that it does get easier. I would book a caterer, venue, and photographer sooner rather than later.
bride and groom need to think, early, about what matters most to them, and prioritize their spending. If they don’t care about flowers, then don’t obsess on those. Ditto cakes, or even food or music. But if those are the vital parts of the day, then put the money into those.
All parental advice starts with “Have you thought about…” or " what if you tried something like…"
The point is to get married – it can be easy to have that eclipsed by other things. Guests will neither remember nor care about colors, programs, invitations, or flowers. Something weird , awkward, or alarming is bound to happen. But the point is to get married – have fun!
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Our kid booked all of these a year or so before her wedding. Like you, we were where the wedding was taking place, and DD wasn’t.
Almost two years before the wedding, DD made a trip here and we looked at seven venues. She chose one, and I took the deposit over (our venue included the catering…so food choices were done later).
She started asking friends here about photographers, and the one she really wanted booked quickly. So that was done next.
Re: music, we had a band. These also tend to book quickly so this was chosen about a year before the wedding.
Flowers person was chosen a little later than the others….but not by a lot.
Re: the food. Our venue had a food tasting event (which was lots of fun). DD, SIL, his parents and we were invited to attend. This was in October for a May wedding. The venue did these tastings twice a year. The food choice were mostly chosen just after that event, although DD did make some small changes.
While our kid was far away, she found that most of these choices could be done easily online. She was able to look at options, and then FaceTime with a vendor to ask questions.
Because I was local to the event, I took care of all the deposits once a vendor was selected. DD let the vendors know this would be happening.
Have fun! I’m sure your DD will be able to help with a lot, even from a distance. Once the venue and date are finalized, a lot of other things will just need to fall into place…and they do.
ETA…DD also shopped for her dress where she lived. We were there for an event and went with her to make the final choice (along with one of the attendants who lived locally, and a friend).
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I would just encourage you to not see it as your task to check things off the list. Keep B and G primary in the decision making - even if they seem willing to let you make choices.
So many couples look back and say “I wish I had been more involved in the process”
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Agree on all points
Our situation was the reverse of yours, in that the venue was in Philly where B+G were and both sets of parents were out of state. The B+G picked their venue early – actually 21 months before the wedding, and that drove a lot of other choices. I think each couple and set of parents need to work out a way to organize it that works for them. What worked for us was creating a gmail account specifically for the wedding that B+G and the moms had access to, and in turn having a Google Drive account where we stored copies of the relevant contracts and had a To Do list that broke down who was doing what, guest lists, etc.
Also the B and G each had different things that they cared a lot about in the planning process. For the groom it was the cocktail hour, the DJ songlist, the website and all the paper products (invitations, menu cards, name cards, specialty drink signs etc). The bride decided to make her own wedding dress which was a huge time commitment given that she is in a PhD program. They were happy to have me keeping track of deadlines and lists of decisions that had to be made.
It helped a lot that we hired a planner early in the process and had an initial zoom meeting with her where she walked us through a list of things we needed to be working on and a general timeframe. Then it was sort of my agreed job to periodically prod B+G to make needed decisions to stay on track.
There were also some tasks that B+G were more than happy to assign to me and which I could handle remotely. One example was finding a courtesy hotel block at an affordable rate and a convenient location. I contacted several hotels that we initially had in mind, but then discovered that our first choices wanted guarantees that we weren’t comfortable with. So then we got some other suggestions from the planner and I contacted those hotels for quotes, collected the information and B+G picked their favorite from those options.
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Her bridesmaids might be from all over. DD needs to decide if she wants them to have same style dress or different dresses with same color, or different dresses with color theme (like pastels). DD had her sister as MOH and 3 very good friends as bridesmaids - and they ordered on-line (dresses were at a great price), but the one gal didn’t order right away and they were out of her size. MOH had a different style but same exact color, and it turns out we found this dress in this bridesmaid’s size with the MOH style - so we had two and two – and it was fine (and her dress from the other store/vendor was not much more money - all were under $100 each). They had shoes that they chose with the same color, so if they had already they didn’t need to spend extra.
Some gals, it is very important to have a big day with the bride dress shopping, having that as a memorable event. DD2’s friend (DD2 was a bridesmaid) had booked at two shops - one was a short drive away that had a lot of inventory/selections, and the second was in an upscale shopping area. Went to the store of distant first, but found the dress that she wanted at the 2nd store (both were visited on the same day). The bride-to-be grandmother and mother had come in for the event, along with her local bridesmaids.
IMHO, you can ‘control’ the bridesmaids and dress selections by getting that taken care of - you don’t want those things hanging over the bride to be as one gets closer to the wedding date. You DD needs to have an idea of what she wants for her bridesmaid dresses and her dress - and get that going ASAP.
Yes the other arrangements need the ball rolling, and your DD may feel better once some of the major things are put into place.
There should be some wedding timeline/checklists online. DD’19 found/modified one for DD’17 who had 1 year to plan (engaged June 2023, marrying June 2024). They got their venue pretty quickly at about 11 months out, caterer recently at 9 months out. Having those two things done really lightens the load.
For dress shopping, 3 bridesmaids and I are within 1 hour drive. MOG 2.5 hours, and DD’19 4 hours drive. DD’19 made it to the first one, but it took 3 different shops a couple weeks apart, so I Facetimed DD into the other 2. So in your case, I would have MOB/bridesmaid(s)/whoever can, fly to CA but have your daughter make more than one appointment at different shops during their time there. DD picked her dress a couple weeks ago and they told her to expect 7 months for it to come in. They don’t do alterations until 2 months out, so it will be right about that time.
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Because of distance and other extenuating circumstances, daughter scheduled 2 appointments when I was there. On the only day she could do it, one of the shops was closed.
A month later she went back when her cousin was visiting, went to the shop that was closed and back to one of the shops we visited. Decided that she loved one designer’s gown.
She hasn’t ordered yet because it’s not the last minute yet. Will get the dress ordered.
So dress shopping comes in many different sizes.
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D1 and I planned her wedding with a destination that was 4-5 hours away. We had a local wedding planner. Whenever we went up there she had vendors lined up for us to meet. It sounds like your wife could be the local wedding planner.
D1’s wedding dress had to be pre order a year ahead. She got it locally (NYC) because it required multiple fittings. So it does make sense for your D to get her dress in CA. I remembered it was a very event to go dress shopping with D1.
D2 is getting married next July in NYC. She has a venue picked out, which comes with a caterer. We are dress shopping in 2 weeks. They are finalizing on the florist, DJ, photographer, hair/makeup stylist soon. After that will be the invitations. They plan to send it out in January.
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D1 is getting married next May and had her venue, caterer and photographer all booked about 14 months in advance. We are in Southern California and D1 worried about everything getting booked so her and fiancé booked as soon as they found what they liked.
D1 only had D2, myself and her future MIL come dress shopping. She did not want to have too many opinions so she did not include bridesmaids. She loved the very first dress she tried on (and we all did too), but went to her other appointments before we returned and she ordered the dress.
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3 weddings recently MOB x2 MOG x1. Here a a few tips
Have fun with the process!
Ask the couple to figure general type of wedding/reception. Formal, semi-formal, casual, inside, partially in and out, large, small. All in one venue, venue where things (like food and tables and linens and bar) are provided by other vendors
Communicate with other parents, even if it is just to introduce each other and express happiness
Start with the biggest items-venue, caterer, music, officiant.
Then go to the next level of details -colors, food, bar, wedding party, more style details. Find additional vendors where there is more capacity -florist, cake, photographer, hair and makeup.
Only after those go to smaller details- invitations, bar offerings, food offerings, wedding party dresses, clothing details
Then later to things like fonts, signage, place settings, schedule for day/weekend
All along the way ask the bride and groom to collect inspiration photos - flowers, invitations, dresses, colors, and more. Vendors ask for these and it can help keep parents on same page. Share these on Pinterest and/ or shared google folder
Keep updated guest list on shared google spreadsheet.
Agree to not be bridezilla, groomzilla, momzilla, dadzilla.
Again -Have fun with the process!
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