A comprehensive please grade my SAT Essay thread.

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Hey guys, recently there has been a large influx of "Please grade my essay threads." I thought I would combine all the threads to a singular one, especially with the May SAT coming up, in which everyone can post their essays and various members of CC can critique them. I'll start first:</p>

<p>Prompt: Is making a bad decision better than making no decision at all?</p>

<pre><code> Throughout the annals of human history, society has been confronted with a plethora of decisions. Taking these decisions, no matter good or bad, has allowed society to progress to the increased standard of living that is so pervasive throughout the contemporary world. While bad decisions have engendered more wisdom through increased experience, taking a lackadaisical approach to action has resulted in a static, rather than dynamic, society. On the other hand, making these bad decisions have aided society to eschew making the same gaffes perpetually. This headway of mankind, gained from making inept decisions, is prevalent in both society in general and in individual entities and is thus illustrated in modern economics and literature.

Consider the Great Recession, born in the late 2007's from imprudent sub-prime lending. The zenith of 10.2% unemployment, rapid decrease in GDP, and increasing income disparities (measured by the Gini Coefficient) point out that the decision of banks to lend a large amount of pecuniary support to consumers was clearly a bad one. This crisis of great magnitude led economists, executives, and banks to go back to the drawing board in order to formulate a sustainable solution. Eventually, various opinions, expertise, and knowledge amalgamated into more robust forms of current macro reforms such as deregulization, fiscal policy, and monetary policy. This increased hardiness increases the probability that if another crises of a similiar stature were to occur, the global economy will be much more ready. The noted Nobel Laureate Paul Krugman says in his New York Times Blog "All the fights, tantrums, and melee's were worth it. We have now stepped forward to a more consistent economic framework." In fact, the results of this bad decision were tumultuous. Global GDP, in the 1st quarter of 2010, as measured by the IMF, has risen by 0.3% The unemployment rate in America has come down to 7.4%, and the standard of living of approximately a billion of the world's population has increased-all because of an economic faux pas.

The experience gained from bad decisions is not limited to the non-fictional realm of modern economics though. It is also evident in the first novel in English, Robinson Crusoe, by Daniel Defoe. This tome consists mainly of the main protagonist's (Robin Crusoe's) tale of survival for approximately 28 years on a remote island west of South America after being ship-wrecked. The tale is a remarkable one not only because it shows the prodigious audacity of Robin but also his proclivity to take bad decisions and learn from them. He first builds a house in conditions that include cacaphonic weather and potential (later disproved) threats from wild game. He again diligently builds a house from natural resources found on the island and gains a more hollistic knowledge of weather conditions on the island. He also becomes an avid carpenter and despite occasionally choosing the wrong substances, such as bad quality wood, to build his appliances he gradually succeeds in differentiating the subtle distinctions between different materials. In addition, during his initial days of island life, he makes the self-admitted bad decision to be impudent towards his deliverance by god from the island, but later realized that he is living a much more content life and lauds the lord by perspicaciously reading the bible and even converting his cannibal slave, Friday, into christianity.
</code></pre>

<p>It is the onus on mankind to take steps to prevent retrogression of society. One of the main ways to do so is by taking action, whether good or bad. If they turn out to be advantageous, so be it. If not, then it is society's duty to get back up, brush of the dust, and learn. This will enable future generations to take note of our mistakes and if they're sagacious, they will not commit the same errors.</p>

<p>Well, there you have it. I would appreciate if you guys can critique it and hopefully give it a score out of 12. I need all the advice I can get. Oh yeah, please don't censure me for imprecise stats (they're only approximations) and I have tried to make it as accurate as possible. Thanks for all the help in advance guys, CC and all of its members are truly awesome!</p>

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<p>Does that even fit the 2 pages allotted? lol.</p>

<p>Anyways, it was written well, concrete examples, good vocab use, I’d give it an 11~12.</p>

<p>Though watching paint try would be more exciting.</p>

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<p>Thanks for reading my essay. Anything you think I can improve on? Anyways, more critiques people?</p>

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<p>Theres no chance you could write that essay on the day of the SAT. I mean I guess in theory you could write small enough, but honestly it just seems way too long.</p>

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<p>^I agree, did you brainstorm and write this in 25 minutes?</p>

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<p>Well, I wrote it in 23.5 minutes but I didn’t copy and paste it from an actual SAT essay sheet. I just got a random essay question from one of my SAT books and started writing it on college confidential. But I agree that it probably won’t fit the SAT
essay 2-page limit. </p>

<p>However, as for the essay itself, any critiques such as anything I can improve on?</p>

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<p>Did you do it without looking at any other sites for the statistics? They seem like they were taken right out of a book (obviously the SAT isn’t open book!). If you didn’t use a book/the internet to find the stats whilst reading the essay, kudos.</p>

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<p>No I didn’t. I memorized the background information including the stats beforehand on this topic because its so encompassing. I did for a few other topics as well. Any improvements?</p>

9

<p>The prompt is “Is a conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power?”</p>

<p>It is a turbulent time in India, with violence and injustice surrounding the nation. The country is in a time of change, seeking independence from the British forces. You, in an attempt to lead a non-violent revolt, are in the midst of a month-long fast, while you pray and plead for the citizens of India to not raise a hand against the British army. Are you sufferring and pleading for fame? For money? For power? Of course not. The struggles and motives of Mahathma Gandhi and Criag Kielburger signify than a clear, strong conscience is a far more powerful motivator that money, fame, or power. They made their choices on the basis of right and wrong, signifying that a clear conscience is the most powerful motivator.</p>

<p>India’s charge for independence was led by the reticent and pacifist leader, Mahathma Gandhi, who was driven by a powerful conscience over money, fame, and power. Gandhi led a nonviolent revolt against Britain. He lived by the mantra ‘an eye for an eye will make the world blind’. He believed that fighting with violence was unacceptable and went on, what seemed like, perpetual fasts at one point in time to further his cause. He was at the butt-end of racial jokes and hatred from the British, yeet he persevered through such torture just to deliver his notion of independence through nonviolence. Only a strong conscience would lead one to such extremes towards furthering a cause. Gandhi was driven by a strong conscience and nothing more, signifying that a conscience is, indeed, a more powerful motivator than any other.</p>

<p>In what one may consider a more contemporary example of a strong conscience leading a political charge, teenage Craig Kielburger founded Free The Children to further his high for the abolishment of child labor. Craig Kielburgerm a teenage Canadian when he founded Free The Children, was motivated to develop what is now an internationally recognized organization when he read an article in the newspaper about a Pakistani boy being killed due to child labor. His conscience led him to develop a small campaign against child labor. Slowly and steadily, Free The Children blossomed into the international influence that it is now. Kielburger was driven what was right and wrong, not by money, power, or fame. He was just an average adolescent who wanted justice to be served and seeked to abolish inhumane child labor from our planet. Kielburger’s ambitious, successful endeavor was lead by his conscience and no other influence, showing that such a motivator is paramount over all others.</p>

<p>Gandhi and Kielburger show us that a conscience is indeed the most powerful motivator. The were led by what is right and wrong. The humane side of our species proves to be the most powerful factor and in turn, a greater motivator than all the money, fame, and power in the world.</p>

<p>score out of 12 + critiques/improvements/anythign else is appreciated! Any tips on getting >10 essay would be great! I made no changes to the essay…it’s right out of my book.</p>

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<p>Same prompt as viggyram—> Is a conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power?</p>

<hr>

<p>Although some would claim that conscience plays a greater role than greed in most people’s lives, an example from literature proves otherwise. Money, fame, or power motivates people more than conscience does.</p>

<p>In Shakespeare’s Macbeth, Macbeth was given a prophecy by three witches that he will become the thane of Cawdor, and later, the king of Scotland. Macbeth was lured by these promises of great power. However, he was at first hesitant to commit atrocious crimes to attain these glorious promises. At first, he said in one of his asides that he would simply leave it all up to chance, and if it really is meant to be, then it will happen without his additional actions. Simply put, his conscience was stopping him from hastily committing regicide to gain power for himself. But then when Macbeth wrote a letter to Lady Macbeth concerning the witches’ prophecy, Lady Macbeth had no such hesitation. She asked the “spirits of darkness” to “unsex” her so she would have the strength and courage to do what must be done to ensure the crown will be given to her husband. With her support, Macbeth gained the edge he needed to succumb to the worldly fantasies of great power.</p>

<p>Macbeth first murdered King Duncan. To ensure his innocence, he then stabbed and killed the 2 chamberlains guarding King Duncan’s room under the excuse that these chamberlains were the ones who killed King Duncan. According to his later reports to Duncan’s sons and the nobility, he saw the “proof” of this crime painted upon the chamberlains faces, hands, and swords, and his passionate loyalty to the king prompted him to experience such a great intensity of vexation and justified violence to drive him to kill the chamberlains. Later on he would kill Banquo (and attempt to kill his son, Fleance) because those same aforementioned witches also prophesized that Banquo’s sons will be kings. He also killed MacDuff’s entire family after he heard the prophecy that he must “beware MacDuff”. MacDuff was spared from death because has fled to England, an action Macbeth saw as rebellion and opposition. Such is the story of Macbeth’s ascent into power; his kingship was gained through illegal means, crowning him with titles such as “usurper” and “tyrant”.</p>

<p>To further emphasize how Macbeth disregarded his conscience in favor of power, it must be said that Macbeth has been warned by a good friend that the witches “win us with honest trifles, only to betray us in deepest consequence”. The good friend is Banquo; he forgot about his closest friends and even killed them just for that promise of power. Although he knew the witches were evil, he forged ahead just for power.</p>

<p>Through this example, it can be concluded that the conscience doesn’t play a greater role in motivating people to do what they do; the promise of power does.</p>

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<p>nocensure - IMHO you’re first paragraph strikes me as bit wordy. Obviously you have a highly developed vocabulary but I’ve read that sometimes less is more, you know?</p>

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<p>Yeah, your right itsinreach. But as you must have read, I might have written more than what the 2 page limit permits. Thus, I would have to cut down the introduction a bit anyways in the real thing. Anyways, what do you think about the examples/content in the rest of the essay?</p>

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<p>As a whole, I think the content and your basis for argument were very good! I’ve found that it’s sometimes hard to find an angle on a question like that but you tackled it well (you showed versatility by using both a real world example, Wall Street, and a literary one, Crusoe). Save for a few spelling errors (eg. hollistic is holistic, I think christianity has a capital C), everything seemed good to me. I think the readers would excuse the odd spelling error anyways seeing as it’s supposed to be a draft. If I were marking it I would give a 12 - pretending of course that it would fit inside the 2 page limit. I think you’re only challenge now is to make such a compelling argument in an even more concise way (as in fitting within 2 pages) :)</p>

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<p>Help me out on this one guys, thanks!</p>

<p>As time passes, change is inevitable. However, it is the manner in which one responds to change, which manifests his true character. During periods of change, a person’s willingness and ability to adapt to change reveals his courage.<br>
Franklin Delano Roosevelt demonstrated how one displays bravery in the face of a dynamic time. The Great Depression was one of the most traumatic times in American history. But upon his inauguration into the Presidency, Roosevelt showed determination and daringness in the face of seemingly insurmountable financial dilemmas. Telling the American people “the only thing to fear is fear itself” and enacting numerous programs such as the CCC and AAA, that he wasn’t sure would succeed, Roosevelt illustrated what a strong, steady individual he was.<br>
Similarly, George Washington showed his true character in the transformation of America from colonies into a nation. During the Virginia Convention prior to the Revolutionary War, Washington was chosen as the general for the Continental Army. Although Washington had previously fought valiantly in the French and Indian War, he had never faced as formidable a foe as the Redcoats. In his ability to navigate an unprepared and undermanned force of Yankees to victory, Washington showed improvisation skills that would have been unnecessary in times of stagnancy.<br>
Several examples throughout history show that those of the highest character thrive in the winds of change. Changing times are opportunities for great men to improve themselves and the people around them.</p>

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<p>@Viggy, nice essay- well phrased, apt use of vocabulary, but the strongest point of your essay was the beginning. It really made me want to read the essay. In a similar vein, you could also start out the essay “You, in an attempt to lead a non-violent revolt in turbulent India, are in the midst of a month-long fast, while you pray and plead for the citizens of India to not raise a hand against the British army.” The emphasis on you, that is the grader, will draw the reader even more than “it is a turbulent time”. Just my 2 cents though. </p>

<p>Also, I think you can cut out some unneeded phrases that just seem frivolous. Consider your sentence “In what one may consider a more contemporary example.” Just shorten it down to, “In a more contemporary example” or something of the sort. These are mere minutiae that can be corrected. I would give this essay either a high 10 or a low 11.</p>

<p>@kaitlin Beginning could be more eniticing but it doesn’t neccessarily need to be. The standard template has worked for many CC’rs in the past. I would also recommend you to restate your thesis at the end of your paragraph to kind of entrench it in the mind of your reader. In doing this, make sure that it also works as a logical transition to give more flow to the essay. Other than that, the content seems fine and if your fine with one example and think you can develop it persuasively throughout the essay, then go ahead. I would rate this either a high 8 or a low 9 simply because it seems a little dull. Don’t misunderstand me-it is a well-written essay but it needs a little “oomph.” An example of this would be Viggy’s first paragraph.</p>

<p>@Ani The essay is too short. The vocabulary and sentence structures vary and are fluent, but you need more supporting details. I simply did not get persuaded after reading your essay. I think you can do this by restating your thesis at the beginning and end of each paragraph. But make sure that the form of this thesis vary. Also, your transitions seem a bit weak to me. For example in the paragraph about George Washington, you could supplant “similarly” for something such as " This willingness and adaptability of great men was also prevalent in more antiquated times" Here you have your thesis, that men of character are willing to adapt, and it functions as a transition from one paragraph to another. I would give this essay a low 8. Work hard and success will come.</p>

<p>Good luck guys.</p>

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<p>Hey guys, cc is getting to rife with these grade my sat essay’s threads. Just compile them here so CC will be more organized.</p>

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<p>It may be more organised, but the essays often just get forgotten. I remember the old ‘Math help center’ hasn’t been touched in a while :)</p>

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<p>Hi guys. Not to abandon this thread like the one before, I’ll start first.</p>

<p>Prompt: Each fresh crisis we encounter is an opportunity in disguise.
Life is fraught with crisis, obstacles and hardships. Some people are prone to flee from every difficulty that they encounter. However, beneath its destructive appearance, fresh crisis bestows people with opportunities because they will conceive their detects and strengths. Additionally, by overcoming those hindrances, people may grow up and learn to struggle with prodigious hardships ahead.
Obstacles reflect people’s true abilities. Undergoing a crisis, people will recognize what they excel at and what they need to improve on in order to ameliorate strengths and eschew weaknesses. For instance, Helen Keller who adversely became deaf and mute when she was young. However, this misfortune dis not enervate Helen but made her realize how strong she was. She did her utmost to be able to talk and hear again. Then Helen became a world-famous writer. Helen’s reputation disseminated not only for her exceptional work but also for her formidable travail. Therefore, far from being innocuous to people’s success, fresh crisis is the hidden opportunity.
Furthermore, experiencing hardships, people may learn innumerable things that they have never known before. There are prodigious renowned novelists whose great work originates from their difficult time. Charles Dicken is a specific illustration. Being born and grew up in a neccessitous family, Dickens used to be obsessed with poverty and his father almost was sent into jail because of the outstanding debt. Despite this affliction, he worked diligently to support himself and to study. Then he brought his unfortunate life into many of his famous novels such as Great Expectations or David Copperfield. As a result, under some circumstances, mishape turns out to be unmissable chance.
In conclusion, both Helen Keller and Charles Dickens are obvious illustrations that fresh crisis is opportunity in disguise. Hardships and hindrances make people realize their weaknesses and strengths. Moreover, those misfortunes may enrich people’s lives immeasurably. </p>

<p>I wrote this essay in exact 25 minutes.</p>

<p>Thanks in advance.</p>

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<p>Ngannguyen, your essay was a reasonably good endeavor. However, as with all objects, it can improve. I shall start off by saying that you should work on your grammar. Ex: After the Charles Dickens paradigm, you used “being.” There is no need of a participle there. Instead, you can say “Dickens, who grew up…” or something along those lines. I also saw some examples of mendacious subject-verb agreement. I you want to get a 12, such picayune matters. Also, as I have reiterated before, work on your transitions. These are imperative to make your essay flow. Instead of the platitudes, “Furthermore, next, however” use something creative. Vocabulary usage is excellent, and the content is also well-put though it could still use some charisma. I would give this essay a high 10 or a very low 11.</p>

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<p>Thank you very much for your comments, nocensure :slight_smile:
By the way, can you tell me some creative transitions?
Thanks again.</p>