A Friend's Plight

Parents Forum
1

<p>A good friend of mine is stuck in one of those lives that you have to wince at. </p>

<p>He just barely passed high school, despite being in all AP classes (sheer laziness got him a GPA of around 2.0). Right now he's attending one of the CUNY schools in New York, living with his dad - who he despises, the feeling reciprocated - away from all of his friends, family, and not able to make new ones. </p>

<p>I'm hesitant to say this, considering I don't know this for certain, but his current GPA, hovering around a 2.7ish, is due to the unfortunate mistake of turning in a major paper late and thus receiving no credit in a core class. He's, I fear, getting to the point of depression, since he's mentioned feeling like he deserves the terrible life he's in right now.</p>

<p>Recently, he's discovered he wants to switch into computer engineering, which his current school lacks, but is getting depressed again at the prospect that his grades forbid him from getting into any kind of engineering program, anywhere.</p>

<p>As I've gotten excellent advice from you all in the past, I had hoped, perhaps, you could provide some more. Is there such a school that has a computer engineering program, outside of New York, that has, perhaps, a work-study program? Something a student with charisma and potential, who realizes his mistakes, has a shot for? </p>

<p>Thank you so much.</p>

2

<p>Does your friend have finances to pay for a private, career-training program? I know people who have ended up with good technically-oriented careers by completing programs at schools like DeVry University (which does, indeed, offer programs of study in computer engineering leading to a bachelor’s degree).</p>

<p>The problem is, DeVry is a for-profit educational corporation. The tuition is actually much less than the private colleges most CC’ers are looking at, but more than a public university and they probably don’t give any need based grants other than what the student qualifies for from the government (like Pell grants). (They do actually offer merit scholarships, but that’s not going to help your friend with the weak GP).</p>

<p>I think that if your friend is ready to knuckle down and work hard he may find that this is a sensible path for him – but he can’t continue to slack off if he opts to take that route. </p>

<p>An alternative which I don’t particularly recommend but which I don’t think should be overlooked is to consider the military. The downside to that is obvious, but they do offer training in many technical fields, it comes with some financial benefits rather than costs, and your friend would not be the first person to make a break with their past and turn their lives around by enlisting.</p>

3

<p>Why is he living with his dad?
I think I’d start with a move to an on-campus dorm, contact with the campus mental health center, and some academic support to manage the next term.</p>

4

<p>Clockwork - What can your friend to to alter his current trajectory? Well, he needs to change. What he needs to change is of course one of life’s core questions. Your description of his current situation and dilemma may provide starting points. His grades make him depressed? That’s obviously an unhealthy response. He hates living with his dad? Well what would he do if his dad threw him out? He wants to go into computer engineering … and transfer from a school that lacks the major? That isn’t a major hurdle for a single young man. </p>

<p>You friend has trudged through life following a path of poor decisions and poor behavior. If he’s ready to stop doing that I think he’ll be fine.</p>

5

<p>I agree with the two options that calmom proposes. Neither depends on going through a college transfer process, which I predict is unlikely to be successful.</p>

<p>Another option is for your friend to make the best of the current situation. Computer engineering is a very broad field, but whichever aspect of it becomes your friend’s ultimate interest, the field requires a solid math/science/ (and even) english foundation. My sense from reading about your friend’s low high school GPA and initially mediocre college performance, is that he doesn’t have the solid foundation that the field requires. In practice, most students begin to specialize in this field in their junior year, so regardless of where’s he’s at (CUNY campus) he can begin to focus on the foundations. I would expect that he can do that through his junior year, and most likely with a bit of initiative he can find the necessary specialist courses through the CUNY system.</p>

<p>Your friend may find many channels to learn software (if that’s his interest) outside of the school curriculum. There are many open source projects in which he can engage in his spare time, becoming a member of an external community, and learning at the same time.</p>

<p>His GPA of 2.7 is promising in that it suggests some “B” grades, and it seems like if he applies himself he can lift the average into the B+ range. So I think he should stay in school.</p>

<p>Insofar as work-study programs, with his current record, they seem like a stretch. Companies tend to bring on very dedicated students for such programs. With 2-3 semesters of solid work, and with a positive attitude, he may be able to become one of those dedicated students that companies search for.</p>

6

<p>He could take some individual courses in computer engineering in the CUNY continuing ed. departments.</p>

7

<p>If he is truly depressed, and an MD can document that, he could be eligible for some accommodations at school, such as extra time. The real question is, why was his paper late, and why do you think this pattern will change somewhere else?</p>

<p>Dealing with the depression and the depressing situation (living with the father) have to come first, or the self-defeating academic failures will just continue.</p>

<p>Once the depression lifts, whether through meds, therapy or change in situation, then better decisions can be made about the future, which may or may not involve staying on the same course academically.</p>

8

<p>The Op has told us, that the student is lazy and likely careless(mistakenly late papers) in his college courses; is getting poorer grades than he is capable of, and not happy with his grades or living with his Dad; and who may be getting to the point of depression.
I think there are other steps before I’d recommend before I’d recommend medication, or a medical diagnosis, or before seeking extra time accommodations due to a diagnosed mental illness.</p>

<p>If I were his good friend(based on what OP has told us) I’d suggest:
that his disappointing grades are likely a big reason of his disappointment, and that his demeanor due to that may be affecting, to some degree, the disappointment in his home life. His poor grades are likely a result of those courses not having been <em>his calling</em>. He didn’t really care much before, and that is unfortunate; but now he does, and it’s not too late to steer a better course. If the student is often quiet, or moody, or grouchy, then that may affect the Dad’s mood. He may be unknowingly contributing to an unhappy home life. Doesn’t most any father want to his his son doing the best he can, and hopefully doing well as a result? Clearly this student hasn’t been doing the best he can. He has just been sliding by, doing only enough to get by. But it’s not too late! Then I think I’d try to be very upbeat that maybe if he now sees a real interest in computers, then that might be the right road for him! Many generally excel in topics we enjoy more than those that we don’t. This could be his opportunity for a frsh start.
There are many computer, IT, and similar programs at schools set up just for that, like DeVry as Calmom mentioned. And, of course there are more typical colleges that offer computer training too. I suspect his current grades on a Philosophy exam for example, are less important to a computer focused training program than if he were transferring from one 4yr to another 4yr because he wanted to change majors from Philosophy to Business, for example. This student still has many options in his young life to get into computers and improve his grades, attitude, life, and future, but first he must take action. Merely grumbling about his disappointment won’t help him. This student needs to take action to help himself. And he can! He is only stuck in that spot if he chooses to continue to be stuck in that spot.</p>

9

<p>The son of a friend of mine screwed up his freshman year and managed to flunk out of the college that had awarded him a merit scholarship. His goal was computer engineering.</p>

<p>After a year of hanging around working for his father and grandfather doing maintenance on rental property, he enrolled in a for-profit technical college that offers both 2-yr associate and 4-yr bachelor’s degrees. The courses meet for two very long days each week, leaving him free to work quite a few hours. He continues to do maintenance jobs and, in addition, has established a nice little clientele for his computer technician skills, mostly older techno-incompetent folks. He earns enough to live on his own (not great quarters, but livable). He is doing extremely well in his program, and his current plan is to transfer to a 4-yr. engineering program in a semester or two. I’m not sure how he plans to pay for that, but he has the option of remaining at his current technical college, attending part time while earning an eventual bachelor’s degree. At any rate, his future is looking pretty good now considering how dismal his prospects appeared to be a couple of years ago.</p>

10

<p>NewHope33 is right on target. People who take responsibility for their choices and make it a point to learn from them are far happier in life. Your friend’s difficulties were self-created and only he can change that. As much as he doesn’t like his father, he has a roof over his head and he needs to make the most of it. Maybe his problems with his father are partially because he has a bad attitude when around the man and if he is as lazy as it appears, then that can really irritate a parent. I went through a similar situation with my son and until he decided to accept responsibility for his actions and start getting his act together no one in the family enjoyed being around him, including his younger sister who is very close to him.</p>

11

<p>Thank you all for such wonderful advice so far.</p>

<p>To current situation with his father is one of finances and a kind of ‘punishment’. His parents are separated, and his dad may believe that if he “keeps an eye” on his son (ie, hovering over his shoulder and forcing him to review 2-3 chapters ahead of the class), the grades will improve. Really, to see them together is to see two arrogant intellectuals trying to out-ego each other.</p>

<p>I’ve suggested to him to seek medical help or counseling, but he’s flat out refused on the grounds of “not wanting to pay for advice”. He’s also rejected military options, even though they make a lot of sense (financially, skills for future careers, discipline), due to ideological reasons.</p>

<p>The one grade that brought him down, I know, is in a history course - way out of his field of speciality. Currently, he’s a potential CompSci/Physics major - in high school he failed both physics and pre-calculus, but studied them on his own to make up the grades and loves the subjects, and does code for an online game in his spare time.</p>

<p>Definitely, I’ll mention to him online courses and the continuing ed departments!</p>