This was touched upon in the indoor gatherings but I wanted to make my own post.
How do you handle your adult children and family gatherings?
My nephew is getting married at the end of June. We have a very small family, I have one sibling and so does my husband. We have 5 nieces and nephews. The nephew who is getting married decided to do it without much planning ahead. It’s them, they wanted something casual and it will be in her parents backyard. On a Sunday afternoon.
So my kids have not had much warning. They both live several states away. This nephew and his long term girlfriend were the only cousins in that family who attended my son’s wedding if that matters. Neither of his siblings attended and it was within driving distance.
My oldest has very limited vacation time, most of which he has already used because they had a baby (he had no paternity leave) and his father in law’s death. His wife has been on her maternity leave but will be going back to work around the time of the wedding. And they have a small baby, less than 6 months old.
My daughter said she and her boyfriend will have to see what they can do but they would have to fly in. They both would probably have to work on Monday.
My husband says the kids need to come. This nephew came to son’s wedding. (There was 20 months lead time). My mother in law told me the baby needs to stay with her mom so the kids can come? That one I have no idea about, it’s a Sunday afternoon?
I feel very conflicted. What would say to your adult children? I told my husband and his mom that it’s difficult timing. My husband is very very big on obligations.
The good news is that your children are well launched into adulthood themselves ( and even parenthood!) So should make this decision for themselves. Up to them whether to continue bonds with their cousins.
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Our kids make their own decisions about family weddings and events. While we wish they could be at every event, this just isn’t possible with work schedules and the costs to attend.
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Thanks, that was my feeling. My husband was disagreeing that’s why I posted. I know the kids would want to come, but there are other factors for the decision.
The problem isn’t that they wouldn’t want to support their cousin but that it would be a heavy lift to do so on short notice.
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That is certainly understandable. I really am horrified at how expensive it has become to be a wedding guest now-the travel, gifts, some attend the bachelorette party in a distant city. It can easily add up to thousands of dollars
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I also wish my kids could attend all significant family events.
If the impediment is something I can help with, I will (pay for flights/hotel).
I cannot provide time off from work or alter decisions about travel with or time away from a newborn.
Despite your husband and MIL’s expectations, I would fully support the decisions of your kids.
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I’m in the camp that they are adults and can make their decisions. But no way would I expect a new mom to leave her baby with someone to fly to a wedding. Just no.
Young people have limited time and money. Attend what they can and nobody should be upset if they can’t. Just send a gift and well wishes
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I’m with everyone else. They are adults and need to make these decisions. The baby and time off totally complicates things so if they can’t make then so be it. Also, Covid. I would guide them to call the cousin and apologize for not making it.
I don’t know whether this is a continuing thing with your dh, but I had to get firm with my dh about his mom’s constant time demands – everything can’t be of equal importance. I told him she needs to pick two things a year that she wanted us to attend and we would make those.
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The reality is that it just is not always possible.
A story here. My D got married in 2015. The wedding date was planned over a year ahead of time (we wanted a specific venue). One of H’s nieces was planning to attend, but then was asked to be in her friend’s wedding party, of course it was the same day and 800 miles away… That niece did not attend D’s wedding. I decided to let it go.
Six months before D’s wedding (we knew niece was not coming) my beloved FIL died. Guess who stepped up and spent time with our S who was devastated? Yes, she was there when we really needed her. So glad I never said anything negative.
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If it an obligation to attend, then it is also an obligation to give reasonable advance notice so that those obligated to attend can actually do so.
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I’m with everyone else who is saying it is up to your adult kids to decide what works for them.
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Chances are good that your nephew planned this type of wedding because he and his fiancée want it to be small and informal, and not a big fuss. He probably won’t be offended if his cousins can’t attend. However, now that so many of my family members have passed away, my personal perspective is that these types of gatherings don’t happen often in life, and it’s worth attending them. My youngest cousin got married last year and because of Covid couldn’t invite all of us, so I don’t think there will be another occasion where I will see my entire family gathered together again. I was sad about that.
If your adult children decide it’s too difficult to attend, they can send a gift and a note that they would like to get together with the newlyweds soon. Maybe the next time they are in town you can have everyone over for dinner or brunch or something?
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Yep…it’s getting expensive. We are invited to a wedding where there is a two night minimum stay at the wedding venue at $330 per night so $660 just for lodging. And it’s really sort of a destination wedding as no one lives even in the state where this is happening. So…add travel costs of airfare and rental cars…and meals.
Our kids will make up their own minds whether they can attend or not.
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I want my kids to make their own decisions. My parents had more opinions about these things than I do with my own. However, some words of wisdom from my now deceased mother always stick in my head: go to the happy events, be grateful you have a loving family. There was a particular event/situation that happened in her own family that she often referred to.
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I agree that the “kids” are adults and they need to make their own decisions whether they can take the time off as well as incur the expense to attend.
My H and I also have very small families. Ten years age H’s nephew got married in May and I did not attend nor did D2. D2 was a senior in high school at the time and it was in the middle of AP exams. H and D1 (who was in college in NYC) attended the wedding which was in Bermuda where H’s family lives. No one in the family was upset that we did not attend. Everyone understood that choosing that time to get married limited if some people could attend.
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I am also in the camp that your adult children need to decide for themselves without pressure from dad. I also think that a Sunday afternoon, backyard barbecue, with no advanced notice is a message. I can’t imagine the cousins would be upset.
I also agree that often parents are more upset about these things. My brother and his first wife eloped. They decided to do a party when they returned, with very little notice, in the small town where her parents lived, four hours from the nearest airport with no hotels. My husband and I had just moved out of state and taking a huge loss on our first house, and we had just started new jobs with zero vacation time. Needless to say, we did not make the wedding party. My mother held that over our heads for a very long time but my brother didn’t care at all and totally understood.
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I think all you can do is say “we’d love to have you there”. Express that the family would love to have them there but that it is their call on what they want/can do.
One thing my kids have done often as adults with spouses/partners is to be willing as a couple to not go as a couple! Maybe my son can come to an event but his wife can’t. No problem, he doesn’t mind to attend without her. Jobs and other family events don’t always jive with flexibility! Just this weekend my daughter graduated so son came, but his wife had to travel with her sisters to an out of state memorial service for her grandma. They just went their own ways. H and I have done this too. I don’t worry about being a package deal. 
But I’ll add this - it is ALSO the young adults job to communicate their situation with the event planners. So it should be the responsibility of your son/daughter to communicate with the wedding family their plans.
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I would leave it up to your children to decide for themselves. I think the bride and groom should understand given that they are having a wedding where they haven’t given relatives much lead time.
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lol! I had a feeling.
ETA: I agree with @abasket above about divide and conquer. I recently told dh that one of my favorite things about our marriage is that we don’t have to do everything together. Earlier this year he went to a banquet honoring his brother in another city but I wasn’t ready to do that because of Covid (I’m immunocompromised). No big deal.
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