<p>Usually I lurk but I have to respond to the OP. When I was in graduate school,I would have been the ‘different’ roommate without the drinking or dope. I dated a young lady whose family thought that I was ,“XXXXX trash” because I was in the first generation of my family to have gone to college and neither parent had gone. Dad left high school to enlist in the Army during World War 2 and mom was a civilian employee of the Navy. GF’s dad made no bones about it and told me so. It ended when I told him in no uncertain terms what I thought of him…
Fast forward twenty years. All my siblings have graduate degrees ( with beaming parents at graduation) and GF’s parents, who thought we were trash …they were convicted of stealing from their company’s 401K…I believe that is what you call Karma…
Rant over…</p>
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<p>Ucbalumnus didn’t say all of the kids from poorer families were immune from substance abuse. Rather, it’s a much more nuanced such kids are LESS LIKELY to be involved in substance abuse. </p>
<p>That part rings true to me as a once working-class scholarship kid…mostly because </p>
<p>1.) If we were able to overcome the pitfalls of our neighborhoods/backgrounds to get into college…we’ve already seen the nasty pitfalls of drug use. I certainly did with the heroin/crack users in my old neighborhood and an elementary school friend being killed in a cross-fire between 2 rival drug gangs while coming home from middle school. </p>
<p>2.) Most of us don’t have the money for drugs/alcohol. I certainly didn’t even though I worked part-time/summer jobs which paid well…all of that money went to cover what little my near-full ride didn’t cover and miscellaneous expenses. At mainstream undergrad campuses, my HS classmates and friends found the kids who abused alcohol/drugs were mostly from upper/upper-middle class families because they had more disposable cash. While alcohol wasn’t the vice of choice at my private LAC…all of the regular weed/psychedelic users I knew of during my undergrad years were from upper/upper-middle class homes. Granted, not all of them were bad students considering some of them ended up surprisingly graduating with honors despite being stoners. </p>
<p>3.) The poorer middle/working-class students had far more to lose as a result of the effects of alcohol/drug abuse…like near-full ride/full-ride scholarships and/or FA. Whether such uses impair academic performance and/or causes serious legal problems…the usual effects are that the poorer students are much more likely to be forced to leave the school due to loss of such scholarships even if judicial sanctions from college weren’t factored in. </p>
<p>4.) Following up on #3, middle/working-class students tend not to have as much of a buffer from family to help cushion the fallout. If anything, the few middle/working-class undergrads I knew of who lost scholarships/kicked out as a result of alcohol/drug use ended up being cut off by their parents* and told to make their own way in the world. Many of then like a former colleague who lost his scholarships due to drinking too much in his frat ended up enlisting in the army as a result. </p>
<p>5.) Many of us didn’t want the stigma as condemnation for alcohol/drug abusers seems to fall heaviest on those from the lower-end of the socio-economic spectrum. Recalled a lawyer friend mentioning how this shows up in the way many jurisdictions he’s familiar with hand out sentences for alcohol/drug-related offenses. </p>
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<li>This wasn’t always punitive as in many cases…the parents weren’t able to support taking care of a young adult child…especially if they have younger kids. Moreover, if the latter…they also are concerned about how his/her presence may be a negative influence on younger siblings.</li>
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<p>I have to add one more thing. In general, it’s a mistake for parents to butt in to these ‘future room mate’ situations. Only in the most extreme cases should the parents get involved. A few tips on how to handle rules for the room in a friendly and non-judgmental way is about all that is needed.</p>
<pre><code>The summer before my son was going into his LAC a few years ago, his room mate-to-be called the house to talk to him and get acquainted. My son was on a backpacking trip leading some younger Boy Scouts, and I told the room mate that. “He’s a Boy Scout?” the young man asked, with obvious trepidation and disappointment in his voice. I could feel the stereotyping going on in his head as I said that, and instantly regretted my remark. I imagine he thought he would be rooming with the most uncool kid in the entire campus.
I could have mentioned that said son was also Prom King, politically liberal and seen as one of his high schools “intellectuals,” and had more friends of all stripes than I could keep track of, but of course, that would be weird.
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<p>They roomed together for 3 of the 4 years, the exception being when the room mate was an RA. They are still very close friends, 3 years out from college.
Parents should not get involved. Part of the experience is learning about the world and shedding some of the stereotyping that we all do unfairly before we have any knowledge of the individuals involved.</p>
<p>Cobrat, point taken. I didn’t mean to imply that the poster said any group was immune. I was just pointing out the fact that no group is.</p>
<p>My experience was that a lot of the middle/upper class kids my daughter came in contact with drank a lot and actually did a lot of harder drugs.</p>
<p>The middle class and more economically challenged kids drank a lot and smoked a lot of pot.</p>
<p>Did not seem to matter along racial lines.</p>
<p>I take your point about kids who are very intelligent and come from backgrounds where they are forced to be their own safety net - such a kid would take things more seriously and be more careful probably.</p>
<p>This was a school that is pretty easy to get into and offers a lot of aid. It’s often thought of as a party school - so it might not necessarily be a good metric. Lots of serious students there - but lots that are not as well.</p>
<p>How is the roommate going to get any sleep with this upper middle class helicopter constanting buzzing overhead. He’s the one who should ask for a new roommate.</p>
<p>LOL. Upper middle class helicoptor!</p>
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<p>The ex-Army colleague who joined up as a result of “drinking away his scholarship” in his words would have described his university like the one you D attended. </p>
<p>I attended a T-25 national private LAC where the main vices were weed/psychedelics and when I attended where students are much more apt to take part in political activism for progressive-left causes…such as risking arrest by MPs for going onto the US Military’s former School of the Americas during my undergrad to protest its presence and history of training some real unsavory Latin-American dictators than to party like kids at more mainstream colleges.</p>
<p>This may or may not be a ■■■■■, but I find it ludicrous how people automatically assume that the roommate is "assuming that a kid of color ". Actually, besides albinos, we all are people of some sort of color, but thats another story.
Also, the poster never said that was the concern. The concern was that the roommate, according to his facebook, only had friends as the same ethnicity as he is. Which I for one, read as the op’s son is used to kids who are friends across racial lines, and is not used to someone who, again according to facebook postings, only socializes within one group.
But then again, I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.</p>
<p>mhmmm,</p>
<p>Obviously a lot of people took OPs post to mean that the ethnicity of the room-mate (whatever it is), and the ethnicity of the room-mate’s friends was an issue, because it was mentioned…along with a lot of other assumptions that would, by default, be assumed to be related…seeing as how they were all phrased together as though they were related - and then it was pointed out how the room-mate was a mismatch, basically.</p>
<p>I give the benefit of the doubt too, most of the time, but this time, race seems to be a factor - at least the way that it’s written.</p>
<p>I’ll comment on the OP’s question. The summer before S’s freshman year (he’s a soph now), he made facebook contact with his roomie-to-be. It was obvious that they were from different backgrounds (and, incidentally, different ethnicities). We’re from a waspy-to-a-fault community. Let me be clear: differences in race, income, social “class”, was not the issue. I DID have an issue (and S did too, he’s not a prude but doesn’t smoke anything, including pot) with the open discussion of drugs and the roomie’s excitement that the room was going to be the new party central come fall. (famous exchange in our house. S: “Great. XXX’s fb status says he’s excited about his new Vap.” Me: “A Vap? Does he have asthma? Allergies? He must be concerned about the dry air!” S: rolls eyes “It’s a bong, mom”)</p>
<p>Anyhow, what did I do? NOTHING. Roommate smoked weed in the room early in the semester. S let the RA know. They kept an eye on the situation. Roommate smoked weed somewhere else, I presume. At winter break they made a room change. All was (and is) well. Don’t get involved.</p>
<p>cromette, I agree," Obviously a lot of people took OPs post to mean that the ethnicity of the room-mate (whatever it is), and the ethnicity of the room-mate’s friends was an issue", but if you re-read the first post, nowhere is that an issue, other than the fact that the roommate doesnt have a history of socializing with a diverse population. Which is why I commented – people like to put polarizing issues, where there are none.</p>
<p>Not sure why there is a need to make fun of OP. The main point here is by looking at the FB, the son (or parents) doesn’t think the roommate may be a good fit. In speaking with D2 school’s housing director, she said recently she is getting more and more requests to change roommates because of FB browsing, so this is not an issue that’s particular to OP. I think people are reading too much into what OP wrote, and there is also a picking on a new kid syndrome here. </p>
<p>I don’t think kids need to have similar background to be good roommates, they don’t even have to best friends. What is important if someone is willing to be a good roommate. Someone could be into drinking and smoking, but could be very considerate where they do those things. You could also have Johnny Clean Cut, and he could turn out to be a mooch. The son is really not going know until he meets the roommate.</p>
<p>It is fine to be concerned, but the son will need to work it out on his own.</p>
<p>But, mhmm, the entire OP came across as “white, upper class, high acheiver” vs. “non-white , slacker who got into college through Affirmative Action or something like it”. The OP later came back and said that wasn’t the intent, but then, why mention ethnicity AT ALL? Why mention that OP assumed for no reason given, that the roommate was “the first to go to college” or an “opportunity program”? </p>
<p>People don’t assume “first to go to college” or “opportunity programs” for white kids. They just don’t. The whole thing was polarizing.</p>
<p>He got into a top 40 school. I’m sure he’s fine. </p>
<p>But really, it’s your son’s issue, not yours.</p>
<p>Maybe OP was just trying to give some colors on how they are different. I have been on CC long enough that I know there are certain buzz words I shouldn’t use.</p>
<p>Sorry it looks like I unintentionally offended many folks. I was just trying to highlight differences, and trying to get a sense of whether these differences would cause issues especially given how much information parents/children can get ahead of time on facebook, and in some ways, it causes pre-judgement where it shouldn’t happen… </p>
<p>Trying to also figure out appropriate balance and encouragement – as would not want to step in at this point, but give him general guidance on what to look for… </p>
<p>Ethnicity and social economic class really is not an issue for me but obviously the way it was posted added a lot of unintentional color - no pun intended. Oh well, good discussion…</p>
<p>And, oldfort, that might be. But OP ASSUMED, and you know what they say about ASSUMING, that the roommate was “the first in his family to go to college” and that he’d gotten in through some “oppportunity program”. Nowhere did OP say that she’d seen that on the kid’s FB. Seeing a lower-income kid from a different ethnicity led her to assume such. It had nothing to do with showing differences that were REAL.</p>
<p>OP-since you say it is not an issue-can you say why you posted that the student was the first to attend college and likely got in through a special program? Did his FB indicate that or were you guessing. It make a lot of difference if you just made it up or if you read it as applying to him specifically. The answer could indicate some of your underlying concerns even if you say ethnicity doesn’t matter.</p>
<p>@sseamom - I know I will regret answering, but it’s like a train wreck, you cant help but look: where did you see “white, upper class, high achiever” from the original post? What if they are “african american, upper class, slacker, sits behind daddy’s back” type of family, or an “asian, upper class, ultra high achiever” family, or a “russian mafia, in college for visa” type of family? You are stereotyping without knowing any of the OP background.</p>
<p>Besides being concerned with references to drug use, and visual graffiti of tattoos, the OP was concerned that all of the roommates friends were of one ethnicity. Ethnicity different to her son. That actually assumes that the son gets along with many ethnicities and has never encountered a type of kid who does not.</p>
<p>In terms of the OP assuming that the roommate is the “first to go to college” – well we all infer certain things from different visuals. If she is looking at a FB page and is seeing that the roommates friends are not going to college for the most part, or that he goes to a HS that looks like its not very academic, or she can see that the kid is an immigrant kid, whose parents look recently arrived, then she is inferring that. </p>
<p>Or she is seeing that the roommate is there through one of the many “scholars programs” that are given to kids who are first to go to college in their families. (Such as Posse Scholars, but there are more that I cant remember) Has nothing to do with Affirmative Action.</p>
<p>How did you find out about the facebook? Did you go looking for him or did your son express concerns to you about him? That makes a big difference. Right now it sounds like you’re the one who did the looking and you’re the one with the issues. If it was your son that brought it to your attention, that’s a whole different ball game.</p>