Hi everyone! I’m wrapping up my Tufts application (my #1 choice pretty much), and I’m a little scared that I sound too whiny and spoiled. In the Why Tufts essay, I went the anaphora route and started all my sentences with “I want…” I won’t post my essay here for obvious reasons, but I start out being general like "I want to explore " and “I want to grow (obviously longer/better sentences but that’s just the gist of it)” and then get more specific, like “I want to go to Tufts field hockey games” (I played for my school for 4 years… love the sport! lol) and stuff like that.
Looking at it again, it just seems risky. I sound like I’m whining, right? Is it cliche/overused? Should I go a different route? Would the reader of my application not like me? It’s kind of a weird tone. I don’t really know, please help!! :((
(also if you think I gave too much away please let me know ASAP before my editing window closes… thanks in advance!)
Well, just what any applicant “wants” isn’t what gets them taken seriously. And too cute is always a risk.
Otoh, if you did peg the aspects Tufts likes to see candidates recognize, this could be ok. But, the “hockey games” isn’t usually what some of us would call “specific.” That usually means something about the programs, etc. I’d say be careful the down time activities don’t overwhelm. One or two could be fun, but more could leave them wondering.
Without knowing the balance, it’s hard to know how this comes across. I’ve seen good “waking across campus” essays and then some that wander so far off track that you wonder.
LOL in our house the rule was ‘“I want” doesn’t get’.
I think your instinct is right- that a long list of “I wants” will not convey your core message of ‘there are lots of things that I would like to do and see and learn and experience and I think that Tufts is the best place for me to do/see/learn experience these things’.
So you have a list of “I wants” : now take it to the next level. HOW are you going to achieve these things? b/c they won’t magically happen, no matter where you go to college. Instead of implying that you expect Tufts to provide those things, make it clear that you are going take charge of turning your ‘I wants’ into ‘I ams’ and ‘I haves’.
The “wants” you list are available at a large number of colleges. You should indicate what is unique about Tufts and how that would help you achieve you goals.
You may want to change/rephrase “I want …” to what is that Tufts offers that interests you (e.g. academically, extracurricular activities, socially).
“I want” sounds like it makes it all about you. I think part of a “Why College X” essay is what you have to offer them.
Imo, it’s recognizing what makes you sure Tufts is the one, that this is well considered. After all, it’s a Why Us? Tom is right that generic is trouble.