In terms of the OP’s question, the concern was whether the large class/small class divide was really one about size of the institution, so that there would be an expectation of extensive in-class engagement in STEM type classes at a small school. There were statements that entry level STEM classes would be large/larger everywhere, regardless of school size. I noted that it is not universal, that there are small schools where even entry level STEM classes are smaller (even CS).
But @blossom’s point about life skills is the bigger, more important issue, in my mind. While it is a generalization/stereotype about big schools and small schools – that one has to be more of a self-advocate to negotiate the bureaucracy at a big school whereas the smaller size at LACs etc. often (but not always) means that a student can get administrative/professor help in navigating. My public flagship kid liked the anonymity of his classes, but definitely had to speak up to navigate double major/honors requirements. My LAC kid knew he preferred small class discussions, but also found it very easy to get approval for things etc.
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@blossom So fwiw, he’s not really a joiner. Extracurriculars will likely be organic (ie new friend tell him about it) or forced (mom says you must join something, anything, please child).
I do see your point about the potential to find like minded people in a larger setting… unless we nail the social fit at a smaller school.
You reminded me, he DOES make a weekly phone call to the pet store to order crickets for his lizard! Sometimes he evens enters the store to request the crickets in person 
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So he likes lizards- he may not be a joiner, but he might have stuff in common with other lizard-lovers?
He sounds great- kids like him often blossom in surprising ways in college, especially since there is room for all sorts of “special interest groups” in college which HS’s don’t have. And the in-group/clique part of HS which dictates who likes what- also absent from most campuses. (except a very frat-oriented college which does not seem like a fit for your son).
@Midwestmomofboys Thanks for bringing it home. Here’s the worry list:
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Will small classes expect more interpersonal engagement than he is capable of producing?
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Will large classes offer anonymity but also potential for disengagement?
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Do small colleges offer an easier system for self-advocacy? Will it be easier to develop relationships with adults and receive more hand holding?
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Would he get lost in the mass of kids at a large college? Would have trouble developing relationships with adults? Will he retreat into hermitage because of too much stimulation on campus?
I’m sure there are many more worries, but these are the ones relevant to my original post.
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why don’t you ask him what he’d be comfortable with in terms of college size?
@blossom Correct, we’re avoiding heavily Greek schools like the plague 
He does like friends, but he prioritizes academics and plays video games in his down time. So much growth happens in college though. I am hopeful he finds some fellow lizard/minecraft/Lego lovers.
Search2022- SOME small colleges offer more handholding, others don’t. SOME small classes expect a high degree of engagement, others don’t. SOME small colleges don’t offer anywhere to hide if a kid experiences too much stimulation.
Again, I would not frame this as a big school/small school issue at all. There are small schools which take a “sink or swim” approach, there are big schools that are divided into living groups, special interest groups, affinity communities and those that are just a big blob of kids and professors and labs.
And to be brutally honest- a kid who wants to retreat into hermitage will find a way to do that at a tiny college. And again- on the honesty subject- some of the hand-holding that college’s tout is designed for kids with learning issues, executive functioning issues. And a kid who doesn’t need that- but needs a different kind of support- is going to reject it out of hand (it’s all voluntary- if you don’t show up for a tutoring session, the TA doesn’t come to your dorm and haul you out of bed).
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Right. I don’t like the term hand holding. I don’t think the kids at most top LACs need any hand holding. Those kids still need to advocate for themselves.
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@homerdog Oh we’ve tried. He doesn’t know. Visiting campuses will help a ton! His list has a big range of sizes, but they should all be good academic and social fits, at least as far as we know.
@blossom @homerdog Ok handholding is the wrong term, but my Mama Bear side is hoping for a… nurturing environment. Does that sound any better? One where his gpa won’t get crushed if he doesn’t speak up enough, where tutoring is easy to access, where advising is personal and interested, and where he’s socially connected. I would love to find a school that cares about him and allows him the grace to build the life and career skills he’s going to need. That’s not too much to ask, right?!
How do we find out which schools are sink or swim? I don’t doubt he’ll swim… he’s a resilient and incorrigibly persistent kid. However, I would rather a different environment. What’s the best way to gather this kind of info? Reading the boards here has been helpful of course!
Wondering about a school like Clarkson for your son?
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What are your thoughts about residential life? I would think the style of the dorm, likelihood of a suite or single, navigating a big or small building full of strangers, sharing bathrooms, etc would be a concern for a social anxiety kid.
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He is going to have to pursue these things on his own though. Tutors, advisors, and friends are not going to come to him, he has to put himself out there to get tutoring help/find a tutor he vibes with, join clubs/activities, and build relationships with new people of all types, from all different backgrounds.
I used to think LACs might be more kind and gentle, but I’m not sure of that anymore. My D is at an LAC and no one has been what I would call ‘nurturing’, not her adviser, not her profs, not the career center. She is relentlessly working to create opportunities and experiences for herself. Lots of kids aren’t doing the same. Who knows how things will ultimately turn out?
Has your S verbalized what type of environment he wants?
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@CateCAParent Yes some of those triple rooms/suites with 6 kids would be a challenging environment for sure! A single could be a nice refuge but having a roommate would be an important learning experience.
@Mwfan1921 So maybe the type of college environment matters less than what he’s willing to make of it? I guess I’m trying to control the variables in his favor.
It does all come down to what a student makes of their college experience. I don’t think any parent can control the variables. I do understand you giving thought to what environment he might most thrive in, but really, he is the final arbiter of that.
What college environment does he think is best for him?
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@Mwfan1921 He can’t stand self-reflection, but I honestly don’t think he knows at this point. The only thing he has expressed interest in is prestige (which is waaayy) down on my list. Visting campuses in person will help a ton.
It sounds to me that the best environment for him is in a relatively small residential setting with like-minded kids with an academic focus (certainly not a Greek house).
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I expect he will mature a lot over the next year (assuming he’s a junior), and yes, visiting colleges will help a lot. I agree prestige should not be high on the list of important factors, talk to him in terms of building a list with 3 or so reaches, 5 or so matches, and at least one affordable safety (more is ok).
I have no idea what his stats are but here are a wide range of schools he might research: his state flagship, Case Western, Georgia Tech, CMU, Rice, RIT, WPI, Colorado School of Mines, Olin, Stevens, U Rochester, Clarkson, U Alabama, Tufts.
Maybe if he starts doing some virtual admissions sessions, it will jump start the thought process of the type of college experience that would be appealing to him.
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Sometimes it is best to think of the problem in reverse. Instead of trying to find the right school, eliminate the ones that you know will be bad. So far I have heard two criteria for elimination.
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Schools that have required small discussion based classes. (Ex. UChicago)
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Schools that have a large Greek population. (Ex. Washington & Lee)
What else are must not haves?
le mieux est l’ennemi du bien
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