I miss my MIL terribly even though we never really had a great relationship. Time/distance, right?
anyway, one strategy that FINALLY worked for me (after years of irritating, painful stressful visits) was 'Oh, you think the towel ladders are weird? So do I! But your son loved them, and I love him, so I let it go". Or, “Yeah, the burgers are a little overcooked. what can you do, that’s how your son likes them, so I make it my business to fix things the way he likes them”. Etc.
It was REALLY hard to come back with something snarky or passive aggressive after that!!! And sometimes I even heard, “I think it’s great that you delegate decorating decisions (or menu planning, or whatever) to him, I could never do that”.
@Hoggirl My sympathies. I did want to point out one thing - sometimes negative behaviors in the elderly can be associated with cognitive slippage. The fear/anxiety/denial can be expressed by acting badly. You know your MIL better than I and this might just be normal aging or adjusting to widowhood (less need to practice filtering on a daily basis when one lives alone). But it’s something to consider. Good luck!
I have to say that “I’m sorry you feel that way” makes my teeth grind. Feels so passive aggressive to me. My sil says that to mil and mil hates it. It’s usually when my sil has done something completely rude (sil can be rude, it’s not just to my mil) and it’s so annoying.
I bite my tongue, call my mom and complain. Try to be nice and know that it will be over soon.
I think we can be as nice as we can as mil’s. My mil was great until age and loneliness came. Most of her friends have moved or died. I try to be understanding. I try not to argue with her, I try to be Switzerland. I try to remember that I’ll be old someday.
She’s coming this weekend. Usually the beforehand thinking is worse than the actual her being here.
Wishing you the best in this situation. You are not alone. The suggestion of what can best be described as a “self-care game” in post #16 is a great one! All the feedback in this thread is insightful.
Hmmm, I need to think a bit more on what to say to her comments that aren’t snarky. I do like what the other poster said in turning the statement into a question and putting it back on her. But it has to be said in total earnest curiosity (the best you can muster).
Or you can just say “Okay” to whatever insult, comment, whatever she makes. Just “okay”. It will throw her. You’re not being confrontational, it’s easy to say. She won’t know what you mean. If she pushes you on it, just respond that you’re acknowledging her comment. It will DRIVE her batty.
Better yet, you can respond if she pushes you, “well, what do you want me to say?” Again putting it back on her. She may get tired of it and stop.
Oh gosh, I need to do this when my own snarky MIL visits in June. But when she twists the knife, she has a look on her face like she knows I know what she’s doing. Yes, this 18 month break from her has been a blessing.
My MIL and I had a strained relationship. It makes me sad in retrospect, and, like cinnamon, I try to be the best possible MIL. Thankfully, my DIL is wonderful so it’s easy!
Personally, I would try to ignore much of it. If she says the towel rack is weird, I’d ask, “Really? How so?” This makes her think about what she’s saying instead of reflexively being negative. And if you end up having to say it often enough, she may realize how often she is being critical. My mom is reflexively critical … I have a friend who’s a therapist who said it’s my mom’s way of gaining control over a situation. Like, you could offer to give her $1 million and she’d say no, just because this new information gets her off her equilibrium and she needs to feel in control.
I agree with others who say her negativity could be a sign of cognitive deterioration. Maybe assuming that will make it easier to ignore her cattiness. Good luck!
My MIL hasn’t been here for well over 10 years. We go to her house. For me, it’s seldom a pleasant experience. My husband has handled the insults and veiled insults his mom has thrown me. I have to say, it’s his mother and that is what I expect!
Ha ha! So, I REALLY had to do this when my fil was still alive. Eventually, I had to set up a reward system for myself. I was on an honor system, but I would choose something ahead of time that I wanted (not that I needed), and I would promise myself that if I “behaved” while I was around him (meaning, I did I not stoop to his level) I would reward myself with this gift for myself. Rather than bite my tongue, I would have a photo of it on my phone. When I would think about saying something beneath my dignity, I would glance at the photo to see if it was worth “losing” my prize to say it. Usually not. I did have one visit with him where I determined I hadn’t earned whatever I had picked out so I did not reward myself.
I have sometimes used, “I’m not really sure how you want me to respond to that.”
Honestly, it is the anticipation of it. One would think this would make coping easier, but when what I expect to happen happens (and thus becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy) it seem to frustrate me MORE for some reason. I know with my fil I always had this false hope that maybe this time he would be more pleasant. And, that always lead to disappointment.
It isn’t going to be horrible. She isn’t horrible. But, I feel like our relationship isn’t as good as it was when fil was alive. She’s sort of taken on his mantle of negativity. Or so it seems to me.
We will be one week past our second vaccines when she comes. Dh decided that was good enough. Of course, she was vaccinated long before we were. “I sure hope I get down to visit your new place before I am too old an feeble to travel” has been tossed out fairly often.
See? Sometimes it is like this for me, too. I also sometimes expect things to worse than they actually turn out to be. Sort of hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. By preparing for the worst I wind up not being disappointed.
I wonder if this isn’t too snarky?
Re: the ladder towel rack:
“Really, weird? Let me go and write that down so that I can remember. Your son picked it out”.
My MIL is gone, and I know she went out of her way to criticize me. I agree that their mental skills take a hit as they age.
My kids saw the treatment and they, now as adults, tell me that I took a lot of abuse. Your kids are observant; they see and know. Towards the end of her life, they refused to visit with her. She wondered why they couldn’t visit.
"I’m sorry, they are REALLY busy and couldn’t make it.
2 thoughts for you.
My mom had dementia, and was probably addicted to painkillers. She did not need to be drinking. But if we were drinking she wanted to be drinking too. If we went to a restaurant I would tell the waitress/waiter to make her drinks virgin after the first one. Fortunately she drank fruity drinks like pina coladas and really couldn’t tell the difference. When we had wine with dinner, we would our he glass a little lower and usually only have one glass while she was there. That would usually keep her from asking for another.
A friend of mine taught me a phrase - “You could be right…”
I haven’t tried it, but in some situations it might fit.
“That’s a weird towel rack!” could be responded to with “You could be right.” Not saying you agree, just not fighting it either.
My dad died recently aged 84. I loved my dad very much, but he was often rude and shouted a lot. I was caring for him for the last three weeks of his life. He was even worse than usual. Very understandable.
I thought about saying nothing for obvious reasons. But then I thought why should I stay silent? Shouting doesn’t make anyone happy. One day I just said to him very firmly “Don’t shout at me.” He began to shout again and I said “Don’t shout at me when I’m doing the best I can.” I also told him to stop shouting at my poor stepmom, who was also doing her best. He was much better after that. I am glad I spoke up.
Your MIL is unhappy since your FIL died. It will be awkward to confront her, but it will likely be a lot better after you do so. And if it isn’t, I can’t imagine it’s worse than letting her be rude.
ETA: I will try to remember a lot of these tricks for when I am a MIL! Hilarious and clever!
MIL frequently makes either negative or “shouldn’t you do X?” comments. H and I try to make an inside joke between us about it to see how long it will take or what she will comment on.
For example, she’s into gardening, has many houseplants, beautiful flower gardens, etc. When she comes over it seems like she invariably makes some comment about something that needs done in my yard or houseplants. Of course, comments like these generally leave me feeling inadequate, so it can bother me. Last summer one day we went to fetch her over and as soon as we pulled into the driveway she says “shouldn’t you cut that dead branch off your ornamental shrub? (next to the driveway)” H and I were practically (secretly of course) rolling on the floor at the fact that she had made her comment before even getting out of the car!
My daughter once dated someone with a very strange family. I don’t say this lightly, we met them twice and it was the most unpleasant experience. They were very controlling and wanted the kids to spend every spare moment with the parents. Odd behavior for then college students.
I told my daughter if you marry this man, you will have to deal with his family for many, many years to come.
Here we are, all of us women in our 50’s and 60’s, still talking about dealing with our in laws!