Maybe I didn’t put things correctly. But what I meant is that it seems that many of us struggle with our in laws. I have to say that if you had said to 25 year old me that I would be dealing with my mil when I was 60, I wouldn’t have believed you! When I married my husband 35 years ago, it never occurred to me that I would still be having issues with his parents.
That’s what I was trying to tell my daughter. That for me, I do things for and with my husband’s parents. Because he loves them. I love them also, but their quirks bother me more than they bother him.
But 25 year old me would not have believed that my mil would be that person who says whatever comes into her head. Like she doesn’t even know me anymore since she hasn’t seen me in a year. Except that I saw her in October and talk to her every week. And I’ve known her for 35+ years. But other than that, we hardly know each other!
You said: “In my mind, she has historically been a positive and upbeat person.” Oh my goodness, tell her this and every good thing you can think of. Some day it will be too late. People love to know they were appreciated or that they mattered.
Come up with things you might say back when things get awkward. Examples:
I never thought of it that way.
I’ll take it under advisement.
We could definitely consider that.
That should be fine.
I haven’t given it much thought. Hmmmm.
That’s something we could look into.
I’ll have to think about that.
I’ll have to check and get back to you.
I’ll see what I can do.
You do have great ideas!
Secondly, pamper and pet her a bit. Seriously. She is old and lonely and seems angry a bit. Be extraordinarily kind and gentle. I hope you have a nice visit. Maybe she has chilled since last time.
P.S. Comments on anyone else’s tastes, such as decorating should simply be met with a polite laugh and “yeah, not everyone would go for that and that’s okay” or somesuch.
Oh, I know exactly what you meant. Sorry, I just got introspective of it just now realizing I don’t really love either of my mother in laws, and that leaves me as the common denominator.
I just fake it for the sake of the grandkids and my husband. She lives far away and normally we only see her 3 times a year so I can grin and bear it for the most part.
You may be the common denominator in both relationships but not the cause of any problem, @Picklenut6.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s because we married their child, and have a vested interest in having a happy marriage, that they feel they have the ability to cause trouble. We’re easy targets that won’t simply get up and walk away.
So true. You marry their whole family. And you have to think that people tend to be on their “best” behavior at initial meetings. So, if those are bad, it’s likely not going to get any better.
My husband loved my folks and we both struggled with his folks. That being said, I have a sibling who always struggled with my mother and my in laws had a kid who could do no wrong. There can be a struggle when people are just vastly different and the senior is of the mind, “Why don’t you do it like I do it?”
There is also the situation where there is just something manipulative and controlling and negative about a person’s behavior and you need to protect yourself and set boundaries.
I will say, over a 30-40 year relationship, I found the best results in setting boundaries to be that I changed my mindset to tell myself that “I do not honor that person’s opinion” and “I don’t have a need to change their mind about me or this issue” and “it’s not worth engaging.” This all helped me to drop the associated emotions and allow me to step back from engaging.
My mil called today. My bil is looking for a new house and he took his parents to see the house he really wants to buy. He has been singing the praises of how much he loves this house.
I asked my mil, how was the house. She replies “there are lots of things I would change about it” I remember thinking that she made no positive comments about the house.
And I definitely thought of this conversation afterwards
My MIL had a very narrow view of life based on her personal experiences. When our son was seven, we were taking him to DisneyWorld. She asked, as if we were nuts, what is he going to do there? I had no answer. It turns out her entire view of DW was based on a visit to the International section of Epcot. She also never understood why we visited the Gulf coast of Florida along with the Miami Beach coast. She, of course, had never been there.
Yeah, to come out and say “that’s rude” is a little harsh - my “lighter” choice of words would be “that’s not ok”
MIL: Those towel ladders are weird.
ME: That’s not ok to judge my decorating. I like the way it looks.
MIL: He’s gaining too much weight because you feed him to much Mexican food
ME: It’s no ok to blame H’s weight gain on my cooking - he can take responsibility for cooking meals and monitoring his eating
Do you have Netflix? Never underestimate the power of watching Nailed It with a complaining/nagging relative. They literally get to make fun of other people as the purpose of the show. And if you are really trying to figure out how to fill time, you can attempt to recreate something from the show! It also gives you a little inside joke. “The towel rack is not “nailed it” bad right?”
I can usually joke my mom or my MIL out of negativity. My mom can be really negative! I find she really just wants attention, if she’s not getting it, like a child she will look for negative attention. You write about your MIL very warmly - what would happen if instead of reacting or taking a comment personally - you just laugh at what she says and maybe give her hand a squeeze? Or a hug. I know my MIL really responds to affection. I also like That’s interesting… or Why do you think that? Sometimes people speak without thinking and giving them that chance to clarify will either make her recognize she’s being a B or you understand if she is just kidding/didn’t really mean it that way.
These days if I’m bothered by family saying something snarky, I tell them, “For whatever reason, I’ve really been feeling a little sensitive and emotional lately and that just hurts my feelings.” It is amazing how successful that has been at changing folks behavior towards me. They get all apologetic and I assure them I know they didn’t mean it “that way.” And it doesn’t make them defensive, so win-win.
However, I doubt such a tactic would have worked with my MIL.
Step 1 - try to have your DH present and in the room w/your MIL as much as possible.
Try to eliminate as much alone time you’d have with her as much as possible.
Put yourself into the mindset of you’re a world reknowned entomologist, doing field research in the Amazon rain forest. Every time your MIL snarks off about something, Sir David Attenborough is narrating the commentary in your head and he says something like “Oh look! Dr So-and-So has discovered a new species of bug! This is quite remarkable, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my, the bug’s head is turning around 360 degrees! This is quite a sight to behold. Let’s stop and observe as Dr So-and-So makes some notes in her field journal.”
#3 totally works. It will put your head in a different sort of mood and you won’t get as mad about your MIL’s antics and nonsense.
In terms of what to say to her or how to respond when she snarks off with her rude commentary about all sorts of topics, here are some options to consider…I’ve used all of these myself with similarly outspoken relatives and it’s been pretty successful:
say nothing. Just sit there and look at her with a blank expression on your face. You’ll get your point across.
Say “Ok” after a long pause/break in the conversation.
“Well, THERE’S an idea!”
Repeat what she said but in the form of a question. “I should go put on makeup?”
“Oh…hm…yeah.”
“Oh bless your heart.”
“Wow…ok.”
“You know what? I hadn’t ever thought of it like that.”
make a “bean dip” sort of comment like “Hey, check out this crazy thing the neighbor did the other day” or “How about this weather lately, right?”
Repeat what your MIL said, but direct it to your DH. For example (this really happened to me once when my YDD was a baby): “Honey, your mom says that YDD’s eyebrows look strange.” Or, using your towel rack example, “Honey, your mom says that the towel rack in the guest bathroom is weird.” Kudos to your DH if he picks up on this and says something like, “Oh Mom, give it a rest.”
Address it head on. Especially if it involves passive-aggressive or overt criticism of someone’s physical appearance or involves judgement along those lines. “YDD’s eyebrows look strange? Why would you say that?” It immediately puts her on the defensive and she will know what a fool she looks like. And everybody else in the room will know that she’s acting like a fool.
Snarky people don’t really bother me. It fascinates me that they seem to think that I’m eager to hear their opinions about my life. This isn’t that difficult. The things that are in my house are there because I like them. If I’m not doing something you think I should it’s because I just don’t want to right now. I don’t entertain comments on other people’s weight or rude, invasive questions. The way to deal with snarky people is to keep an even tone. If you can work up an amused smile it’s even better. And silence is your friend. People don’t seem to like silence very much.
But I think if people aren’t trying to be rude we need to try to be patient. Older people who ask what you did with their things might just be getting forgetful, and I think that can be frightening. My mother always said it doesn’t matter if you forget where you left your keys. What’s important is that you remember what the keys are for when you find them. It’s also important to know if our older family members are on medication. We get more sensitive as we get older and sometimes dosages need to be adjusted.
When my hair started growing in after chemo, my MIL looked at me and said “it’s so gray!” Oh the tone! The look on my kids faces!
Three years later, my FIL, such a kind man, has died and she is more cantankerous than ever. Sometimes after she leaves after a visit my one son will look at me and mimic her “it’s so gray!” and we have a good laugh.
DH and I have lots of snarky comments that we remember from our families. As in, one Thanksgiving, “What? You didn’t make gravy?” Or, “You never were very good at finishing things.” Or, “VeryHappy is the domestic one.” (As opposed to my older sister, who constantly won academic awards.) We pull them out to amuse each other, because after all this time the comments don’t bother us anymore – they’re just something to be amused by.
