If she has a social calendar to be interfered with I would thank my lucky stars. Sounds like while she may drive you crazy to some extent at least she isn’t relying on you for her only social contact (that’s the worst!)
And think positive! Keep your options open–ask her what she would like to do and go from there. Eat out? Have some restaurant in mind. Shop? Know where to go. Sit? Fine. (you don’t necessarily need to babysit.)
Better yet do a bit of exploring–art museum or historic area. Pick a spot YOU want to go. Only advice is don’t overbook unless she has a ton of energy --gives you both a shared experience other than the restaurant wasn’t as good as usual…
As to “Covid Queen”…where is her H in all this? I predict trying to keep it a secret will backfire big time in awful ways. I understand that she wants to avoid conflict but in reality secrets make it much worse.
I’d say her H needs to tell them “we’re going to visit in-laws.”
FIL: "Why don’t you visit us!?
H: “Because you call her Covid Queen which is insulting and whether you think so or not she has legitimate concerns. Balls in your court if you want to see us. Hope to see you soon.”
The alternative is FIL says “You lied to us (by omission). You think we can’t handle it. I feel betrayed.” (much worse).
These situations are so challenging. We are fortunate mom is just grateful for the attention she gets and hasn’t complained about having to go from house to house throughout this pandemic.
I’m so sorry for all those who are having to deal with toxic relatives & ILs. Selective deafness can definitely be your friend.
I don’t disagree with you. I think it IS going to backfire. I am not sure whose decision it was not to tell him (my friend’s, her dh’s or a joint decision). I’d just say, “We haven’t been able to see wife’s family until now since they are across the country. We have been able to come see you since you are two counties over, and we have done so. It’s their turn.” However, the dh’s dad/my friend’s fil is hugely patriarchal and always wants all four of his adult children and their families to gather at his home for all sorts of things. He is completely unreasonable in his familial expectations. He wants to be in control, and he pits the siblings against each other. However, two of the four are financially dependent on the fil (which he clearly likes because he has more capacity to control them). My friend’s dh is BY FAR the most successful and his dad can’t manipulate him financially. However, he has never had great boundaries with his dad and still has that desire to “please” him - something which is never going to be possible. Whatever they do, it’s never enough.
So, I should be thankful, because my friend’s situation with her fil IS toxic. Mine with my mil is just mildly annoying. The toxicity in my dh’s family died with his father.
These tips on dealing with difficult people (MILs and others) are really great!! Vabluebird I found yours particularly helpful - diffusing phrases that are acknowledging but still neutral and not over-reacting or challenging. Useful in many situations.
I now really want to avoid all the conduct mentioned should I (hopefully!) become a MIL someday! Yikes!!
Here is what has been texted to me and my sil (dh’s sister) thus far. None of this going to dh.
“My bag was tagged ‘late check in.’ Hopefully, I’ll have luggage when I get there. Cathy (friend who drove her to the airport ) tried to make me come earlier!!”
(I texted back no worries because I have wine and a toothbrush so what else could she need?) To which she replied:
“Heartburn pills for too much wine!!” (They’re prescription - who packs their prescription meds? Sil texted she could take OTC and to quit worrying until there was a problem)
“It’s hard to drink and eat with a mask.”
“Flight is completely full!! Boo!! Will have to let someone sit in the middle.”
“Just heard a screaming child behind me!!”
All double ! are hers. She has become quite fond of the double !
She hasn’t even landed yet. She had to change planes in Atlanta😂
My friend texted me just a minute ago that she would be praying for me this week and to try to focus on mil’s positive qualities. I thanked her and texted back that she did raise me a mighty fine husband. So there is that.
My mom packs her prescriptions also. Wasn’t a problem until she had her flight delayed and the luggage didn’t make it.
This is what I don’t get. Why does my mil only call me? I have never called my dil. I may have asked her once what my son would like (she didn’t know either). I don’t even have my daughter’s boyfriend’s number.
I don’t know. None of it is horrible, but I thought it would give a flavor for what I mean by her, “observational negativity.”
If and when ds ever has a SO, I am going to emphasize to him that dh and I are his responsibility and to not pass anything and everything that is about us onto his SO has her responsibility. It doesn’t bother me that she texts me those things - I mean, I suppose it represents the fact that she likes me, is comfortable with me, etc. I’m sure I helped create this situation. I handed dh her Mother’s Day card to sign. If I don’t care of that, she will get nothing. Righty or wrongly, I feel as though that would be a bad reflection on me.
I think my mil calls me because I’m the wife and therefore I am supposed to manage everything to do with the house. And that means communicating with her!
My husband’s job is to work and I’m the little woman!!
Yeah, none of that is horrible, but it weighs on you.
My bff is negative. I’ve only noticed this recently so maybe it’s something that gets worse with age? I’ve picked her as a friend, and you can’t pick your family. I just let all her negativity go. Occasionally, I’ll call her on it, like if she’s complaining about her dh or a kid so that she can see how they might be perceiving her words.
But once she decided not to go to her sons cottage because he invited her instead of his wife calling and arranging who would bring what. My bil conveyed all the necessary information to my mil. But she wasn’t happy and declined.
Like I say, it’s generational. Men work, women plan.
I am not sure it is generational for DIL to contact MILs more than the sons do. To some extent it may because the women make the plans, but also because women tend to make connections more than men do.
I thought of my in-laws, including SILs and to some extent BILs as family and have my own relationships with them. I didn’t have as much of a relationship with my MIL, but in those days (she died 20 years ago) there were no cell phones or texts and my FIL was the communciator.
One of my good friends talks/texts with her DIL all the time, mostly because her son is just not as communicative. My sister had a close relationship with her MIL, even though the MIL could be very negative.
Based on personal experience, I think that the airport comments might be her way of offering conversational starters. My guess is she is not looking for solutions, but for conversation/affirmation. She might be hoping for something like: “Gosh, I hope so too” (re: the suitcase) or “I hate it when that happens. I once had flight with a screaming child behind me and it was awful” for the (obviously) screaming child.
She may think it is easier to start a conversation with something negative than positive, based on her age and generation. And…that may have been how she started conversational gambits with her husband, whom you said was very negative. It may have been the best way to engage him in conversation (stating something negative that he could agree with rather than stating something positive that he could refute) and I bet she is too ingrained in he ways to break that habit now.
I think it’s pretty impressive that your MIL (assuming she is in her 70’s or 80’s?) is traveling on her own and texting with a cell phone! I think the texts might indicate just sort of bonding with you all as she is on her way and sort of a nervous excitement!
