Keeping her busy of every minute of every day is not conducive to where we live (the beach). She will want to do plenty of beach- and pool-side sitting. Part of my issue is that I feel like it’s “mean” of me to not sit with her - even though I rarely do either of those things. I like to look at the beach, but I am not particularly fond of just sitting on it all day. Maybe I’ll have dh do that with her on Saturday. But, I worry, I will come across as not nice if I am bowing out of too much.
Dh will take off a day and a half, but that is going to leave me with 3 full days of my having to “entertain” her during the day.
I do need to keep in mind that her observations (whether negative or positive) are not just limited to me, our home, whatever. She tends to verbally express whatever happens to pop into her head. She also would not be a good poker player at this point as her facial expressions are often exaggerated. I just need to remember that she is getting older, and I will (hopefully ) be doing that myself one day, and who knows what I will be like?
Ann Landers used to advise saying something like, “Why would you say that?” when people said something rude, but when it’s probably the dementia talking I think it’s better just to kill them with kindness. I really liked @VaBluebird 's suggestions in Post #42.
When my father got cranky we found that hiding and reducing the amount of alcohol in the house was hugely helpful. We were always “out” except for the mini bottle he got for dinner.
Well, if she likes to sit at the beach or pool, and you don’t, you could make a big deal out of getting her comfy and ready to hang by the pool, and taking her a drink, setting her up, etc., while you go back and “do chores” or whatever. Then take her another drink or snack, so you’re “checking on her” and engaging, but not side by side the entire time? I used to do the opposite when I visited my relatives I needed to get some time away from. I would walk to Starbucks, 3/4 of a mile away, and get coffee, then walk back. It gave me a little break.
I feel like my parents are getting more judgemental as they age but honestly I think it’s because their world is becoming smaller and smaller and they don’t have much to talk about. They seem to have less interests and hobbies and are less aware of what is going on in the world. Or maybe just less interested. But, judging random stuff seems to be a way of making conversation.
I hope your visit goes well! My MIL is really easy but I still wouldn’t want her staying with me for more than a day or two!
Smile and Nod? I found Thank You works for alot of things even if it is an insult. We have had this with my mom (dementia made it worse and only with me) and H’s father (lifelong argue with H only). They both did better with someone else around, and not responding to the comment at all.
She is very extroverted. She does like to read, and I know she will enjoy doing that out on our balcony. But, like the rest of us, she has been cooped up for a year. She is a widow and lives alone. I don’t think alone time is what she is seeking.
A different twist on this visit is that this is the first time she has been down here to see us when our ds has not also been visiting at the same time. Previously, she has stayed 7-8 nights, but it was over Thanksgiving. Her time here and ds’s time here would overlap by about four days. Also, before dh was not working. There is just going to be a lot more time that it is just the two of us.
She really isn’t that difficult. I am making a loose schedule of what we can potentially do each day: a couple of beach/pool days, girls’ lunch out and light shopping day, visiting a neighboring town and its little breweries one day (that will be with dh, and I’ll be the DD for that), etc. I’m also planning meals. So, thinking a bit more specifically about it is helping.
Although I know we’re always told to communicate for healthy family relationships, I really do think that for some people, there is no point in engaging with them, because it’s not going to help. Not every relationship can be fixed with confrontation, and for the sake of family harmony and a short visit, it can be better to practice the great non-responses people have outlined above. When she was alive, my MIL would also say weird things (she was a critical, controlling woman and also into conspiracy theories) and I would just change the subject or ask her opinion on something else non-controversial. She loved to talk about herself and was generally happy when allowed to do so.
Another thing I thought of…ask her about her life. I might be weird in this respect but I really enjoy a “look back” through the eyes of an older person. Ask about her childhood, where she grew up, her family, etc. I loved my MIL’s stories of her early life.
I believe many elders who have memories can be diverted and spend quite a bit of time going down memory lane, especially if you have some photos that may trigger the journeys. While they’re reminiscing, they won’t be criticizing you or hopefully saying anything objectionable.
It may be fun for you and H and anyone within earshot as well.
This probably works better for parents than it works for in-laws, but when my parents get judgmental about every ridiculous little thing, I point out to them how ridiculous it is, and often I can get them to laugh and let it go.
I mean, I know calling the towel rack weird was just an example, and when you’re already tense everything little straw adds up, but I might roll my eyes and say “it’s a towel rack! Don’t let it distract from the pleasure of your beach visit” or (my favourite from Dear Prudie) “Life is a rich tapestry” or “they’re for drying your beach towels, life is too short to critique them.”
My in-laws criticise silently. I tend to fill my time with virtuous projects when they’re around.
When I visit D2, I’m always chomping at the bit to get a broom out (with good reason), but I don’t. But I cannot imagine doing such a thing. I have no words.
I did sweep D2’s floor recently when I was coming over to feed her cats when she went out of town, but I told her it was to prevent crumbs from attracting ants (she just moved and has an ant problem-they were swarming her cats’ food bowls if left out too long). And that’s true, but I know I would have taken a broom to that kitchen floor no matter what.
I guess the problem is that one is always on the defense. Always having to justify or explain. Rather than going on the defense, offense is preferred. But in this case just not practical or recommended. Therefore silence seems to be the only option.
Yes! I hate feeling defensive before she even arrives. It was horrible when my fil was living. He was the most critical person I have ever met. I constantly felt defensive around him. NOTHING was ever good enough.
I never felt mil was like that before. As I wrote above, I don’t know if that was because her negativity was mild by comparison to his OR if she has taken on his mantle of negativity since he died.
She arrives a week from today - April 27th. We’ll only be one week past our second vaccine, but delaying another week interfered with her social calendar. Lol
My college roommate and her husband are lying to her husband’s dad (the husband’s entire family) about their ability to get a vaccine to avoid seeing him. They live in California a couple of hours away from him. They have seen her fil some during Covid times, but he has been very dismissive of it all and calling my friend, “The Covid Queen” because she has been super cautious. She stopped going because he would refuse to sit outside with family when they visited. He’s a jerk even in the best of times, but how sad is it that people lie to avoid seeing family?
They are flying halfway across the country to see her folks whom they have not seen since Christmas of 2019, and they aren’t telling ANY of his family because they don’t want the dad to know. They aren’t social media people much (her husband does some Insta posts of his bike rides), but I have a fear their concealment of their being vaccinated and this trip are going to come back and bite them in the behinds.
