5 more nights! Maybe she will settle down now. Is it better when DH is around? The weekend will be here soon. That’s so sad that she her husband made those comments to her. As if we don’t have to adjust enough with the loss of our youth.
When MIL starts with me, I try to be like Fleabag (Amazon Prime) when shade is thrown her way (smile at the camera like, ‘holy cow, can you believe what was just said”.) I fail miserably because I just get furious, and then want to get even by making her time miserable.
I think the short leg comments would get old. Have you just been ignoring her?
At least you have a good idea where the negativity stems from. Old habits die hard.
My way to combat similar comments like “I don’t like that.” is to reply "Really? I do! (and then make up a reason why I like it even if I don’t.) Just kill her with kindness (a game in itself).
Oh my! My MIL & FIL were obessed with how fat other people were. A few weeks after they moved out of their home of 50 years, him to AL & her to Board & care, so pretty lousy to be apart, etc., we arranged for a van to transport her to their favorite restaurant and drove him there. They spent the first ten minutes basically being grossed out by how much he now weighed (he was retaining fluid.)
I mean, jeez people, glad you two could get together and I hope I don’t spend my 90s being annoyed at anyone who is fatter than I think they should be. Maybe it’s like their own version of live reality TV?
Thankfully, dh is taking tomorrow off. I think he got a greater appreciation of what I have been contending with the last two days tonight when he got home.
She is repeating her same stories a lot. I am not sure if that is a function of age, wine, or both. She had four glasses of wine tonight. Two at home and two at our dinner out. Earlier when she would start in on a repeat, I would say, “Yes, you told me that yesterday/earlier,” but I’ve stopped doing that. Dh was doing the same tonight, and I just told him not to bother. Just let her retell the same stories.
We went to a nice, Italian restaurant tonight. She refers to the olive oil for dipping her bread as, “grease.” She must have said that word four times. “I love dipping bread in grease.” “Who would have ever thought we would all dip our bread in grease and eat it.” She fretted that the grouper was listed as “market price,” and dh told her not to worry about it. Everything was delicious and perfect. As we were paying the bill she noticed that they had not cleared the wrapped silverware for the fourth place at the table. Picked it up - “Look at this. They didn’t take this away. This is a classless place.” Again, it’s sort of joking, but it just always feels like her goal is to find something about which to complain. Dh has taken on my stance of not arguing and just said, “Sorry we brought you to a classless place, Mom.”
Y’all would be proud. We were all comparing our daily steps, and she said to me, “How can you have so many more steps than I do?” And I totally bit my tongue, because what I wanted to say was, “From waiting on you hand and foot all day!”
I hope I can remember all these things if I manage to make it to octogenarian status. I am trying to show as much grace as I can. I am definitely watching my alcohol intake because I know I will get snarky if I have too much.
Well thank goodness your DH is home today! I think you need to run errands. (Go shopping for your reward after this is all over). I like his restaurant comment, only the adult child can do that without thinking twice or repercussions. What did she say? “Oh no, oh no.,I’m just kidding, it’s a wonderful restaurant!”
You have a lot of strength to bite your tongue. I know you just want to get this over with with as little stress as possible. Now that you mention Olive Oil, I don’t think I’d ever seen my parents dip bread in it. Always butter.
Hang in there, you have DH as buffer for 3 nights. The last night you can get through!
My mil also talks a lot. My fil is basically deaf these days and my mil makes no attempt to try and speak loudly and at him so they don’t communicate very well.
The same with repeated stories. Lately she’s been coming up with these “recollections”. Things the grandkids said, that I don’t remember. And they are these sort of veiled criticisms of things the kids said when they were young. Like them being spoiled, or entitled. She loves the word, entitled to describe all the grandkids. Mostly the granddaughters that seem to get more of the criticism.
@Hoggirl you’re being a champ. Even though she is either sarastic/negative and it doesn’t seem positive, I bet she is loving her visit to you both. Too bad its so stressful/unpleasant on your end!
I can imagine. It’s probably getting to be the other way round.
“Poor Winston, god rest his soul, always took me to such classy restaurants!”
For the record, if you yourself are otherwise healthy, I do think that it’s okay to wait hand and foot on a visitor her age for a few days, if her visits are fairly infrequent and she otherwise behaves well. By that, I seriously mean, does she at least say please and thank you, or does she treat you like the “help”?
That said, as much slack as I would cut elderly, fairly recently widowed in-laws, I’d ask her, in a calm and pleasant moment, at the end of a nice day, but before she’s had to much wine, and with your husband present, to please stop making remarks about people with short legs. “It would make your visit so much more enjoyable.”
Don’t get into a fight about, don’t engage if she defends herself, it was a joke, I have never, I would never, just calmly keep asking her to not do it in the future.
Sounds like you have everything else well in hand. But that one would take me aback too much to let it go.
I agree. Unless someone’s brain’s impaired with dementia, I don’t think anyone, of any age should get a complete pass wrt systematic, unkind rudeness. You are working hard to provide a nice visit for her and you have a right to place certain boundaries. I would word it respectfully, of course, but please, let her know you deserve respect and appreciation too. No one has a right to be a bully. Abusive people always have a reason (traumatic experiences, insecurity, etc) but that doesn’t mean they have a right to do/say any hurtful thing they want and continue to get everything they want from those they affect.
She is usually appreciative. Less so as the wine increases. Then she just thrusts her glass toward dh or me when she needs a refill.
It’s not worth it to me to engage about the short legs comments. I can let that go.
I did chuckle this morning. She was talking about the owners of a restaurant nearby to her home. A young couple. Saying how “pretty” the were. Slight pause, “And, they’re tall.” See how comical it is when I type it out
I do not have a good relationship w/ my MIL either. I’d love to reach thru this computer and give you a big hug. Your patience is incredible! I’ve been known to be “tactless”… I don’t react well to people making me feel less-than, especially in my own home.
Also, I’m 5’2" on a REALLY good day, while my DH is a slouching 6’5"… I’ll let you imagine the comments we’ve heard over the last 20+ years. Anyway, I don’t think you’re short. I think you’re Fun Sized!!
I like to own the insults. So, I’m a hobbit. Anytime the MIL mentions how short you are, just respond with you agree, you are a hobbit. If I was called a b…h on a regular basis, I’d start replying that the b…h is here.
Tall girl here (5’10”). D thinks that she is tall at 5’ 4 1/2”! I think I’m the type who would be fine with whatever height I was born to be, but I wonder if your mil is either envious of your height or identifies too much with her height. I remember someone telling me once that they always felt sorry for tall girls. I’m not sure what they meant by that, but if I were less secure it probably would have hurt my feelings. H and I are the same height. He has never once complained about my height but I tend to wear flats when we are together because I prefer not to be taller than him. Around here, 5’4” would be considered average height I think. Because I am tall, I tend to notice other tall women though because there seem to be so few of us!
