Remember, you’re not saying “goodbye.” You’re saying “until we see you at Thanksgiving” (or whenever you’ll see him next).
7 Likes
For us, focusing on being in the moment helped a lot. It was a fun day — zero stress, we took care of what she wanted help with and left things alone that she wanted to handle herself. The novelty of the experience made it easier to stay present. We wanted to do it all in one day (the 3.5hr drive each way and the move-in), but I didn’t want us to feel rushed, either. All together I think we were there for about 4-5 hours. We unloaded, set up things in her room that required assembly, made her bed, and then went to eat. Afterward, we made a quick stop at the local grocery store and everyone picked out their favorite candies and just had a nice time. I was surprised she let us linger for as long as we did, and that was a nice gift she gave us!
I do have to counter that while it is their experience and not about parents, it is a major transition for us, too. So there’s nothing wrong with having feelings. But the kids can’t be your support system — that’s what friends and partners are for. It has been nice talking with friends about this phase. Just like the toddler years! Other parents going through the same phase are such a help.
8 Likes
Don’t linger. Move them in. Get them setup. Hugs and then leave.
Tissues for ride home.
Alcohol. Lots of wineries and distilleries along the way. Luckily we travel through Kentucky and Tennessee.
It gets a little easier but not much.
4 Likes
That’s such an important observation about parenting: you don’t want to mask genuine emotions, but it’s essential that kids know it’s not their responsibility to manage their parent’s feelings.
3 Likes
Leave your kid DOING something, not standing alone in the dorm room with a newly made bed.
We walked one of ours over to the tent where the U’s tech team had staff setting up various things on kids laptops. It wasn’t a long line, but long enough for the kid to start chatting with someone else so we could wave a cheery “Love you!”. We walked another one over to the dining hall where the RA had requested that everyone sit together for the “welcome frosh” dinner and gave a quick hug and left. Etc.
It will be SO much easier for you to cry in the car if you don’t have those quiet, private moments with the video of their babyhood running in your brain! So make sure the good-bye involves your kid engaging with his new life, not looking wistfully at your car as it pulls away!!!
And then think of the privacy as you sob on the interstate!!!
6 Likes
We had never been to our son’s college 600 miles from home when we dropped him off as a first year [my son now a senior corrects me every time I say “freshman”] and we took a tour of campus which really helped me to feel I was leaving him at the right place. I also planned a stop to stay at a historic inn on the way home that we would never have stayed at with our kids and I looked forward to that and enjoyed the sightseeing we did near there. Although it really just postponed the inevitable stomach dropping feeling of sadness when we arrived home to an empty house.
2 Likes
Plan something distracting for your homecoming-- eating waffles for dinner with ice cream on top, a chilled bottle of prosecco in the fridge, binge-watching five episodes of Seinfeld, a Zoom call with your favorite cousin. Anything to keep you away from your kids room for a few hours!
3 Likes
A lot of great advice. Our D19’s college dropoff was a bit dragged out, since there was a day of activity planned for the Posse kids before the general dropoff, but it was cancelled. So we were there, and dropped her stuff in her dorm room, and she had nothing much to do. Still, she had some friends who were on campus early, so we just met her in the evening for a last dinner. We swung by during the dropoff, to help her roommate get her stuff into the room (we hit it off with the roommate’s parents, so we offered our help). We took a long road trip on the way, stopped off to say hi to my wife’s cousins, visited couple of places along the way. So we spent three days as a family doing stuff, and getting to know the route.
We also managed to slip in one more embarrassing parent moment, by sending a selfie of the four parents (us and roommate’s parents) having a drink together the evening after the drop-off.
My recommendation is to help the kid takes things to the room, if it is needed, and help with heavy lifting in the dorm room, if needed. After that, get out. Your kid is meeting with their new roommates and friends, and parents are not all that helpful.
If you have ever dropped your kid off for camp which has lasted longer than a week, remember how you did that, and then take a step back from that.
Hugs and kisses from both parents are a requirement, no matter what the age or gender identity of the kid, but tears should be left to the way home. You don’t want your kids to have to feel that they need to comfort you, or that they should worry about you. You can tell them about your tears in a few weeks.
OK, some tears are OK, but bawling your eyes out should definitely wait.
Your kids should be getting hit with their own tears and homesickness in about three weeks, so make sure that you have recovered by then, so that you can support them without making plans to drive there and take them home…
6 Likes
Both of my kids’ colleges were smart enough to have a late afternoon event for incoming students (one had them go to an orientation group on the quad and the other had a ceremony after which the parents were basically told to leave) so it was clear when it was time for parents to leave.
True to their personalities DS had a nervous look in his eyes when we left while DD gave us a quick hug and ran off with friends she had met online/at accepted students day. Both had great college experiences.
3 Likes
Love the parent selfie!!
Over winter break our D admitted that she thought she was the only one of her friends who felt sad because everyone else seemed to be holding it together. Apparently, though, they all later admitted that they’d felt the same way! You have to be you, be authentic! Sometimes it will be so busy, depending on the move-in/orientation schedules, and you may not feel like crying in the moment. We all shed a few tears as we said good-bye, but then D was off to some other orientation activity. I agree with @blossom to make sure you leave as they’re on their way to something interesting or fun, or at least required! I tried to hold it together while we were on campus, but all bets were off for me on the drive home. 
1 Like
UChicago has a great tradition for freshman drop off. Theres this very nice Convocation ceremony; at the end of the ceremony, the first-year students walk through a gate symbolizing their entry into the university. Parents are lined up to give their good byes and cheer them on to their next phase…and after that its a clean break. They head off for their orientation activities while the parents have a mixer and eventually take off.
2 Likes
^^^That’s similar to how our son’s boarding school did it. You had all day to move them in. Then, at 4PM, you gave kiddo a hug and kiss and headed over to the parent’s reception. After a few drinks and hors d’oeuvres, you headed to the parking lot while the students got ready for dinner and their evening matriculation ceremony. I’ll tell you, 14 is harder than 18.
Then, there’s the Army way of saying goodbye. There’s no parent involvement. You simply arrive on post, sit with your son or daughter in a large auditorium and listen to a (timed) five-minute speech welcoming your new cadet to the United States Army. Then, all stand, and you have 60 seconds (!) for that last hug and kiss before your offspring is ushered out the side door, civilian no more, and six weeks before you will have contact with them. This is how I learned to never, ever say goodbye, just “until next time.”
Stiff upper lip, @ChancellorGH. You’ve got this. You’ll survive. Good luck.
3 Likes
Just dropped my D22 off on Monday. I am trying to frame it as her world expanding rather than her “leaving home” for good. She’s off having adventures and that’s great! I’m sure she will come back home some for breaks and stuff and will expand her horizons more. Pretty sure she likes us and wants to come back home once in awhile 
I did pretty well saying good bye, but my eyes did get a bit watery. D22 gave me an extra big hug then.
6 Likes
Go to dinner the night before in a nice, relaxing place. Say whatever you need to and want to then. Move in is often chaotic, and with other students and families around, it isn’t the time or place for "we agreed to talk every Sunday afternoon " or “we are so proud of you.” And if you’re emotional, it’s going to be hard to say more than goodbye anyway.
3 Likes
Awe, this thread tugs at my heartstrings. A few days before we were set to drop our D21 at college last fall I wrote a letter to her ( I hid it in her dorm for her to find one day). I just let words pour out. I cried and laughed writing that letter. I think it allowed me to drop her off without crying in front of her, or lingering. I got home to an empty house for the weekend (thank god) and stayed in bed for 2 whole days and completely bawled my eyes out. It was so cathartic and what I needed at that time. I haven’t cried for her since and I just dropped her off for sophomore year a few days ago. For me the two solid days of tears were reflecting back on raising her and loving her and helping her fly solo. Happy and sad tears all at the same time. By far been the toughest but most rewarding parenting moment to date for me.
9 Likes
Dropped my DD off at a US service academy last summer. We were told to be at the campus gate between 715-745am, and as we slowly rolled up to the front of the gym I was accosted by someone with a clipboard and told where to park while two cadre knocked on the back window, grabbed DD and her bags and sent her inside. Talk about ripping the bandaid!
Parents had a series of talks, tours and such through the day while the swabs were issued gear, got haircuts and learned to walk and talk. Then in the afternoon there was a big swearing in ceremony where they all marched in, took their oath and then got 10-15 minutes with family. That was almost harder than nothing at all for some. Mine was fine more or less, kind of in a daze, but we just kept the “You got this” flowing, fed her a little and then sent her back to her company before the cadre came looking for her. The band kicked in, there was some yelling and off they marched. Then nothing for the next month or so until they got access to their phones for a call. So no matter what else happens in the next several weeks, cheer up, it could be worse. You got this.
5 Likes
Sounds right. They are joining the military, and that is what happens when a kid joins the military. That is kinda what happened to me when I was drafted at 18 - parents dropped me off at the city’s military headquarters, and then I waited for the bus that took us to the induction and sorting center. I’m actually surprised that there are any activities for the parents.
Navy’s gone soft.
Go Army! 
I’ll side track for a minute because that’s a really important point that many students and their parents are unprepared for.
This thread has been very helpful to many students and parents over the years. To those who feel lonely/homesick/friendless/think they chose the wrong school, etc
Back to the topic, I thought I’d be cool as a cucumber when my son drove off to college the other day, but nah. He’s a senior. It’s always hard to say good bye.
6 Likes