<p>nice! i like the shorter one especially! :)</p>
<p>When I write poetry I get in this weird mood...I'm not quite depressed, I think pensive is the word. I think hard about all these things happening around me, and I try to really convey what I'm feeling.</p>
<p>OK here goes. I posted it on Deviant Art, and here's the preceeding info:</p>
<p>I'm not a mega poster here at DA, but my brother is a longtime member (he's the more artistic and creative person of us two). But I decided to write this poem as an means of finally being able to express my feelings. I choose the villanelle structure because I love the repetition of the refrain lines, as they resonate (sp?) in the reader's mind. Thus they should be the strongest two lines of the poem, and I tried to complete such the task. This is my first formal poem that I've ever written, and it's not perfect, but I felt the need to share it with the world that I thought that I should post it as is and then see some comments, and possibly edit it as more thoughts and ideas come to my head. Deep criticism welcomed. </p>
<p>I feel love deep when I look in your eyes--
Joyous tears form when I see your sweet smile--
"I too love you deep" my young love replies.</p>
<p>O! How lucky am I you fell from the sky!
The perfect one from God, born a sweet child--
I feel love deep when I look in your eyes.</p>
<p>O! How sweet your lips are when they grace mine!
Let our embrace remain for all while--
"I too love you deep" my young love replies.</p>
<p>How beautiful your face is, O how it shines!
Glowing in radiance, like the Sun on the Nile--
I feel love deep when I look in your eyes.</p>
<p>How lucky I am to know you are mine!
Our love is truthful; no trace of guile--
"I too love you deep" my young love replies.</p>
<p>Our time has arrived to become One with the Wise;
Marriage is ready my beautiful nubile.
Do you feel love deep when you look in my eyes?
"I do love you deep" my young love replies.</p>
<p>Mercurysquad - Hey, I really liked your "Tears Fail Me" poem. I can relate. Thanks for sharing it!</p>
<p>I write poetry...when I'm depressed, angry, etc.</p>
<p>thanks blip, Leonesa and noodleman
[quote]
And you expect a bashing? Merc...are you somehow related to Hardy? or Milton?
[/quote]
lol :p In that case, I should start working on my Third poem now :D</p>
<p>neat stuff mercury - i have a DA account too, though it's mostly dorment... lol</p>
<p>aw you beat me to it :p i was just reading your and noodleman's contributions... yours is nice and cute, very juvenile ;) and noodleman - way over my head, man :confused: e.g. what's the stanza at the end of it? :)</p>
<p>this might help.</p>
<p>"Caoine" (pronounced keen) is the Gaelic word for the wail or dirge sung by professional mourners in old Ireland. The text at the end is gaelic, from a traditional mourning song</p>
<p>A mist on the boughs is descending
neither daylight nor sun can clear.
A stain from the sky is descending
and the waters receding away.</p>
<p>the poem is about crack addiction and living death; it still requires a close reading, though.</p>
<p>Noodleman, why the sad smiley? Actually I don't comment on something if I feel I'm not qualified enough for it... so what I meant was that your poetry was far superior to what I can even criticize!</p>
<p>So don't be :(, be :)</p>
<p>aw, shucks :)</p>
<p>hey all, we shud start a fan club for merc....as he is a wonderful poet and a damn good soul..read all about you in the MIT threads.One of the threads started by you was a big hit!! Even the college rep thanked you, didn't he? ..so when are you hearing from MIT??</p>
<p>count me in :)</p>
<p>:rolleyes:</p>
<p>Commme onnn guys, don't get my ego soared (pun intended!) You know what, it will turn out to be the same thing as mit_hopefulgirl's "fan club" - I'll love it until I get my decision. And then - KABOOM! :eek:</p>
<p>Btw, decisions will be out tomorrow and I'll hear by 15th if I'm in, or two weeks later if I'm not........</p>
<p>merc - those are awesome dude...very very nicely written...count me in for the 'mercurysquad' fan club...</p>
<p>(here's another, not as esoteric as the last one!)</p>
<p>You meet the storm, quiescent, soft,<br>
and whisper silver silk, aloft;<br>
your soaring, supple breath like moth<br>
wings, beating time in tandem with my heart.
"Slake not your thirst with<br>
hyssop soaked in brine," you say,<br>
your tawny gaze as light as light of day. </p>
<p>E'en though you cannot wholly stay
the tide that bubbles from the wound,
(where mother-love, she took her pound
of flesh from me to leave me raw
and curse the tender age that saw
the day that I became unwhole)
you summon up remembrance of sweet past.</p>
<p>Your fingertips press up against<br>
the simple truth of sweetness lost,<br>
and I can cry once more aloud.
At longest last, a leaden tongue
with childs voice I thought to be
a necessary casualty
of battle for my first true love,
is lifted once again, above.</p>
<p>Sweet mourning does spring holy
from hardened hearts abyss;
here is no rock but only<br>
clear waters sweet caress.
Though April is the cruelest month,
into the dawn of Marchs lamb
not you and I,
but we, my love,
do go.</p>
<p>
[quote]
[ul]
[<em>]"Slake not your thirst with hyssop soaked in brine,"
[</em>]...the tide that bubbles from the wound...
[<em>]...and I can cry once more aloud.
[</em>]...the day that I became unwhole
[/ul]
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Awesome expressions!! Though I had to read it 3 times before I finally got the full meaning of it.. (and I'm still pondering the last stanza!).</p>
<p>wow - just wow. Very good imagery and a neat concept to the poem. Have you read my villanelle at the top of this page? Just wondering.</p>
<p>whew! a villanelle is a tough form and you've handled it admirably; my favourite is the third strophe:</p>
<p>O! How sweet your lips are when they grace mine!
Let our embrace remain for all while--
"I too love you deep" my young love replies.</p>
<p>my only criticism would be the last strophe, wherein the word nubile feels like a stretch.</p>
<p>very nice work! :)</p>
<p>ah, thank you. Yeah, nubile is a stretch (im not even using it in it's right form - im using it as a noun rather than it's true adjective form) but i needed something to work so it works. I'm really drawn to the villanelle style, so that's why I decided to write one - i think it turned out well. Thanks for reading it and for your comments.</p>