Anyone up for some essay reading?

[theimpatientone]

<p>I just got back a bunch of essays I wrote for my tutor. All of them scored 10/11, none a 12. I'm just gonna type a few here. I really want to become a 12-writer for that extra cushion for an 800 writing.
The first is the first SAT essay I wrote since 7th grade (when I was scoring 8/12 lol), the second is my most recent. If you don't want to read both, pick the more recent at least. I really appreciate it.</p>

<p>"If you want to become an expert in a certain field, do you need to have more talent or more motivation?"</p>

<p>The mastery of a field is to exhibit undisputed aptitude and prominence in the field. Whether it be in musicicanship, athletics, or academic genius, to be the "champion" of a field means having the sheer skill in such a away where there is barely room for improvement. Some may call this level of competence "talent." However, what determines the ability to master a field? Are we born with it? No. Only motivation can breed success. As shown by literary works and scientific observation, motivational time and effort is the only factory in mastery.</p>

<p>As shown by the 1950's novel Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury, one does not need natural affinity in order to succeed. In a world where everyone is pushed to be equal, Guy Montag rose above the others and challenged society. Unlike the intellectuals who were shunned away, Guy was not a writer or a historian -- he had no intelligence like the majority of the world. Instead Montag found a strong desire to read books, to become intelligent, and by the end of the story he successfully found his place among intellectuals by his sheer desire to keep the memory of books alive. Montag was not born with intellectual affinity, but with the motivation he was on his way towards mastery.</p>

<p>Trial-and-error is the proven system of human education. We gain aptitude in any field by this way. The National Behavior Research Center even studied how people gained mastery of a certain skill and concluded that neuron pathways were being created after repeated trials. In other words, by doing an action over and over, such as practicing the piano, our fingers eventually gain the ability to perform better and easily, until a song is mastered. The research done by the NBRC shows that mastery comes from repeated action, and what would facilitate the time and effort to perform actions repeatedly? Motivation. The motivation to gain such mastery creates the desire to keep trying again, until we succeed.</p>

<p>Muhammad Ali's quote, "champions are made from...A desire, a dream, a vision," was in many ways correct. The auspiciousness from motivational practice is shown in both society through literature and research through observation and conclusion. The mastery of a field is indisputably achieved through motivation, a banal believe that is present among the masters themselves.</p>

<p>Comment: Holy CRAP. This was horrible. Just too many grammar problems. I cringed at typing this up, I just WANT to give this essay the attention it deserves. Even my last sentence, "banal" doesn't even remotely fit in that context. How did I get a 10? This deserves a 8. Still, I want some HARSH criticism from you guys.</p>

<p>"Should we pay more attention to people who are older and more experienced than we are?"</p>

<p>"Experience" is an invaluable resource that will incontrovertibly benefit one in virtually every situation. It is the aspect of humanity that allows us move forward. Experience can guide people into making the paramount choices towards success as well as push them away from the path of failure. This collection of memories and lessons learned can only be retrieved from those older than us, and historical examples demonstrate how indispensable experience is even in the most hopeless of situations.</p>

<p>The Progressive Era following the Gilded Age of American history demonstrates how lessons learned within one generation are beneficially passed to the next. The late 1800's, otherwise known as the Gilded Age was a period in which industry dominated all aspects of society. The government gave little regard to the evils of monopolies and their detrimental effect on both the worker and consumer, instead promoting the free market policy of "laissez faire." This economical "survival of the fittest" placed America in its darkest era, with every social class besides the wealthy minority in despair. However the next generation of lawmakers and workers learned from this period, later passing anti-trust laws and worker protections, forming the Progressive Era that lifted America from despair. Due to the young learning from the experiences of the oppressed laborers and those with invalid economic theories now proven wrong, America was able to move forward. The experience of the older proved invaluable to the success of the Progressive Era.</p>

<p>When the experience of the older is ignored, however, a malignancy of harm inevitably results. The financial crisis and subsequent recession of recent times demonstrates the result when experience is not heeded. The causes of the recession of current USA are eeriely similar to those of the Great Depression of the 1920's. Not following the experience of those who went through the perils of easy loans and buying on credit, banks repeated many of the mistakes of the older and set forth another financial crisis. If these organizations understood the experiences of the older, the crisis would have been averted. Instead, joblessness of millions resulted and the country's prestige took another dip into dispair. </p>

<p>These historical examples demonstrate the great value of the experiences of those older than us. The best advice will always come from them. Indeed, lessons can be learned and mistakes can be avoided and not repeated. The experiences of the older should never be forgotten.</p>

<p>Comment: My introduction doesn't seem to match the essay itself. This is an example of writing without planning. Harsh (but beneficial) criticism is welcome. Don't worry about my self-esteem/confidence. I don't need any. Also, I lol'd when I saw "dispair" This is essay also scored a 10/12. An an unrelated note, this was the test where I scored 800's on math and writing, but 690 in critical reading. Haha. What the test will throw at ya sometimes.</p>

<p>Thank you in advance. I need most tips on how to secure a 12. It's especially difficult to express my ideas in the way I would normally would in just 25 minutes, and as you can see from above, skipping planning entirely doesn't yield any better results for me.</p>

[antonioray]

<p>

The mastery of a field (i would say is the exhibition or involves exhibition of… i mean verbal infinitives can be nouns but for parallel structure i would keep to mastery is -similar noun- or -to master is to exhibit-)is to exhibit undisputed(too strong) aptitude and prominence in the field. Whether it be in musicicanship, athletics, or academic genius, to be the “champion” of a field means having the sheer skill in such a away where there is barely room for improvement(you just repeated teh previous sentence). Some may call this level of competence “talent.” However, what determines the ability to master a field? Are we born with it? No. Only motivation can breed success. As shown by literary works and scientific observation, motivational time and effort is the only factory in mastery.</p>

<p>As shown by the 1950’s novel Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury, one does not need natural affinity in order to succeed. In a world where everyone is pushed to be equal, Guy Montag rose above the others and challenged society. Unlike the intellectuals who were shunned away, Guy (i would use the present tense to discuss literature)was not a writer or a historian – he had no intelligence like the majority of people in the world. Instead**,** Montag found a strong desire to read books, to become intelligent, and by the end of the story he successfully found his place among intellectuals by his sheer desire to keep the memory of books alive. Montag was not born with intellectual affinity, but with the motivation he was on his way towards mastery.</p>

<p>Trial-and-error is the proven system of human education. We can gain aptitude in any field by this way. The National Behavior Research Center even studied how people gained mastery of a certain skill and concluded that neuron pathways were being created after repeated trials. In other words, by repeating an action, such as practicing the piano, our fingers eventually gain the ability to perform better and moreeasily, until a song(your sentence is about any action, not the specific playing of a piano. mastering a song does not apply to any action) is mastered. NBRC’s research shows that mastery comes from repeated action, and what would facilitate the time and effort to perform actions repeatedly? Motivation. The motivation to gain such mastery creates the desire to keep trying again, until we succeed. (you could’ve said the last statement without the entire nrbc thing. i really dont see how citing nrbc as an example proves motivation is key; it merely provides evidence of the effects of repitition.)</p>

<p>Muhammad Ali’s quote, “champions are made from…A desire, a dream, a vision,” was in many ways correct. The auspiciousness of motivational practice is shown in both society through literature and research through observation and conclusion. The mastery of a field is indisputably achieved through motivation, a belief common among the masters themselves.

</p>

<p>

“Experience” is an invaluable resource that will incontrovertibly benefit one in virtually every situation. It is this aspect of humanity that allows us to move forward. Experience can guide people into making the paramount choices towards success as well as push them away from the path of failure. The collection of memories and lessons learned can only be retrieved from those older than us, and historical examples demonstrate how indispensable experience(true, but not why only elders can provide it) is even in the most hopeless of situations.</p>

<p>The Progressive Era following the Gilded Age of American history demonstrates how lessons learned within one generation are beneficially passed to the next. The late 1800’s, otherwise known as the Gilded Age was a period in which industry dominated all aspects of society. The government gave little regard to the evils of monopolies and their detrimental effect on both the worker and consumer, instead promoting the free market policy of “laissez faire.” This economical “survival of the fittest” placed America in its darkest era, with every social class besides the wealthy minority in despair. However the next generation of lawmakers and workers learned from this period, later passing anti-trust laws and worker protections, forming the Progressive Era that lifted America from despair. Due to(nonstandard phrase) the progressive era citizens’ learning from the experiences of the oppressed laborers to prove their predecessors’ economic theories wrong, America was able to move forward. The experience of the older proved invaluable to the success of the Progressive Era.(i thnk you spent too much time talking about what the gilded age was and not how the youth used the gen before’s experiences to rid america of the “darkest era” (hmph) )</p>

<p>When the experience of the older is ignored, however, (malignance (carries of harm in its definition but i would use another word entirely) )inevitably results. The financial crisis and subsequent recession of recent times demonstrates the result when experience is not heeded. The causes of the contemporary recession are eeriely similar to those of the Great Depression of the 1920’s. Not following the experience of those who went through the perils of easy loans and buying on credit, banks(not the ones who bought on credit and took easily loans, at least, im sure you meant that the citizens are the ones who went through the perils of…) repeated many of the mistakes of the older and set forth another financial crisis. If these organizations understood the experiences of the older, the crisis would have been averted. Instead, joblessness of millions resulted and the country’s prestige took another dip into dispair. despair</p>

<p>These historical examples demonstrate the great value of the experiences of those older than us. The best advice will always come from them.(your essay hardly proves this sentence. the best advice coming from those older could only be proven by showing how elders’ advice were superior to peers’ in every way–not an easy task) Indeed, lessons can be learned and mistakes can be avoided** from the experiences of the older, which should never be forgotten.**

</p>

<p>i think your thesis should’ve been simple; stick to the prompt by saying why we should pay more and not that only elders can provide advice because they are experienced. the thesis sets the course of the essay. a bad one, or a good one with examples that instead prove another thesis often proves disastrous</p>

<p>

Haha. What the test will throw at ya sometimes.

indeed</p>

<p>yea i dont know how you got 10’s, but private tutors inflating scores to create the illusion
of improvement or excellence out of the profit motive isnt unheard of…</p>